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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27825403">Sirius + Remus</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/DemonBanisher/pseuds/DemonBanisher'>DemonBanisher</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Sirius + Remus [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Dare, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Letters, M/M, Modern Era, Winter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 18:55:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>70,115</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27825403</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/DemonBanisher/pseuds/DemonBanisher</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius, a holiday cynic, is spending the season alone this year with his friend away with his family. Remus, a Christmas fanatic, is looking for love. When Sirius finds the red notebook Remus has left in a bookstore, the two start writing to each other. Maybe this year, they won’t have to spend the holidays alone.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sirius Black/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Sirius + Remus [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2162541</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>380</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>247</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Snowflake</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>HELLO!!! This is the start of my very ambitious idea for @remus-john-lupin on tumblr's Wolfstar holiday prompt list. It is based off the show/book Dash &amp; Lily. There will be a new chapter for every day of December and maybe some art if we're lucky!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sirius groaned and sent a well-aimed hex at the radio when Mariah’s Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” played for what felt like the hundredth time that day. There was more than enough Christmas music about being miserable on the holidays. Why couldn’t they just play that instead? James and his family had gone away for the holidays, and of course Sirius was always invited but he couldn’t help but feel that he was intruding on family tradition. So instead, he was sitting in James and his apartment brooding about how much he hated the holidays. </p><p>	Maybe it was something about growing up like he did. Maybe some of that “hate everything Muggle” attitude had rubbed off on him. But he’d loved Christmas away at school, of course before the impending doom of actually going home for the holidays hit. </p><p>	Sirius flopped on the couch and flicked the television on only to find that there was yet another one of the carbon copy Hallmark Christmas movies playing and immediately flicked it back off again. Sighing heavily, he decided that staying in this apartment would be much more tolerable if he had something to do. Something un-Christmasy to do, of course. He shouldered on his jacket and reached for the keys on their hook by the door before heading out the door. </p><p>	The calm of bookstores was one of Sirius’ favourite things in the world. There was something about the mutual understanding of peace and order that Sirius appreciated. The second he walked through the door, he always felt a stillness coming over him. He wandered around the store for a few moments, picking up and putting down books as he tried to decide what he wanted to read. Salinger, he decided. He could use some of Holden Caulfield’s angst right about now. </p><p>	He followed the signs into the fiction section and ran his fingers along the spines of the books as he made his way through the alphabet. That was when he saw it. Nestled next to the copies of <i>Catcher and the Rye</i> was a red notebook. Written on the front in a hurried cursive were the words <i> Do you dare? <i> Sirius figured it was one of those prompt notebook things he so desperately despised. Some idiot must have shelved it in the wrong section or decided they didn’t want it and stuffed it into this shelf. </i></i></p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
    	Out of curiosity, he slipped the elastic off the front cover and opened up to the first page. In the same handwritten text was the following:
  
</p><p>

      <i>Do you want to play a game? If you do, turn the page and read the clues. If not put the book back on the shelf.</i>
   
</p><p>
 
    Sirius glanced around the store, as if the mystery writer would suddenly appear out of nowhere before he turned the page.
  
</p><p>
  <i>So you’ve decided to play. Excellent. I’ve hidden clues for you around this bookstore. That is if you can find them </i>
</p><p>
  Oh, I can find them, Sirius thought to himself, as he looked at the blank lines drawn on the next page. Lucky for him, he’d devoured the books at the library in school. Maybe it was some sort of Muggle rebellion against his parents. More likely it was the desperate desire to exist in any world that wasn’t his reality. But still, he’d been able to find most of the clues with ease. <i>The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe,</i> a book on French poetry, <i>A Christmas Carol.</i> 
</p><p>He finished up the rest of the clues and finished penning in the last word but was confused to discover that he still had two blanks left. Confused, he flipped the page to find more of the familiar handwriting.
</p><p>
 <i> If you’ve made it this far, you either know your books or are very resourceful. Both bode well for our future. But first, I must say that if you aren’t a man in your twenties, you can put this book back on the shelf. And if men in their twenties aren’t your thing, you can also put the book back. No harm done, everyone has a right to love who they want to love or no one in all. But I’m looking for someone special, so tell me are you brave?</i>
</p><p> Was he brave? Sirius was never one to back down from a dare. James and him had probably set a new record for most time spent in detention. He turned the page again and found himself grinning at the words that were written there. He was starting to like this mysterious notebook writer.</p><p> And that was how Sirius Black found himself singing “River” at the top of his lungs as he sprinted his way around the bookstore trying to avoid the angry clerks as they struggled to catch up with him and toss him out of the store. He loved that this notebook boy had picked one of his favourite melancholy holiday tunes, maybe there was another cynic out there just like him. He threw back one last laugh as the clerks finally caught up with him and wrestled him outside. As, they turned to storm back into the store, Sirius called out to them.
</p><p>
  “What about my clue?”
</p><p>
  	One of the clerks waited until the others were inside, then after a quick glance around looked at him and said, “You just said it.”
</p><p> Sirius racked his head, trying to remember where he’d been in the song when they’d tossed him out. Wait, he remembered and reaching for his pen he added the last two words to the clue. 
</p><p>
 <i>Are you going to be lonely on Christmas?</i> 
</p><p>
  Sirius smiled, not just a holiday cynic but a <i>lonely</i> holiday cynic. He flipped the pages to find the next set of instructions.</p><p>
  <i> If your answer is yes, you’ve earned the privilege of writing to me. Leave your answer, and tell the clerk named Peter before returning the notebook to its spot on the shelf. If I like your answer you might just hear from me.</i> 
</p><p>
  Sirius grinned and chewed on his lower lip as he tried to think of the perfect reply to this complete stranger that he was already convinced was a kindred soul. He uncapped his pen and scrawled out his response. Then he stumbled back into the store with his hands held high. All the clerks’ eyes immediately shot up in preparation to toss him out.
</p><p>
  “Just putting this book back,” Sirius said as he scanned their nametags. Finding that the one named Peter was the one who’d given him the rest of the clue. He gave him a little wink and nestled the notebook back on the shelf before making his way outside.
</p><p>
 As he stepped back out in the early December frost, he noticed that it had finally start to snow. Despite himself Sirius closed his eyes, tipped his head back, and stuck out his tongue to catch the snowflakes. Maybe this Christmas wouldn’t suck after all.

</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Elves</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Day two is here! We find out how that notebook ended up in the bookstore in the first place...</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Remus.”</p><p>	“What?” Remus mumbled from where he was sitting and the couch and currently trying to eat every holiday cookie he had baked at once. </p><p>	“What are your plans for the holidays?”</p><p>	Remus groaned and rolled his eyes in Lily's general direction as he finished scarfing down the rest of his snack. “Lils, you know my family abandoned me this Christmas.”</p><p>	“Your Dad decided to turn a Ministry trip into a romantic vacation for their anniversary, but sure we can call it abandonment, go on.”</p><p>	“So, no family Christmas, no relatives to stuff full of cookies, or cousins to chase around the tree, or grandparents to sneak me extra money. No full moon before Christmas to make me feel like shit. Guess maybe I’ll meet up with my book club, or maybe my knitting group to try and finish up some extra mittens, or I don’t know maybe I’ll take up carolling.”</p><p>	“Carolling?” Lily said, as she joined him on the couch and raised an eyebrow at him questioningly. </p><p>	“Are you saying I can’t carry a tune?” He asked with mock hurt. </p><p>	“Let’s just say you’re better at howling.”</p><p>	“Har-de-har-har, very funny.” He said as he reached across to try and snag one of Lily's cookies which she swiftly held out of his reach.</p><p>	“Remus, you do know that no one in your book club or knitting group is under the age of seventy, right?”</p><p>	“So? What does that matter?”</p><p>	“I doubt a respectable, nice, young man is going to wander into your knitting group on accident and sweep you up into his arms.”</p><p>	“Lily, a nice man isn’t going to wander in anywhere and sweep me up. Don’t know how you got that silly idea in your head.”</p><p>	That comment earned him a pillow to the side of the head.</p><p>	“Hey, I’m only speaking the truth.” Remus said, holding up his arms to block another blow. </p><p>	“Oh, like anyone wouldn’t be lucky to have such a kind, caring, creative boyfriend. Let alone one who can bake enough to feed a small army.”</p><p>	“Lils, you know why I can’t date Muggles," Remus said and his voice grew quiet as his eyes fell to his hands. "It only ever ends in heartbreak when I can’t explain the scars and bruises or where I go every month. And any wizard would run screaming the second he found out what I was.”</p><p>	Lily chewed on her lip thoughtfully, wondering if she’d been too harsh. “Look Rems,” she said setting down her cider so she could take Remus’ hands in her own. “I know you’ve had shit luck so far and that dating has never really been your thing. But I think it’s time you give people a chance. Who knows, maybe you’ll find the Aristotle to your Dante, right?”</p><p>	“Lily Evans, did you just use literature against me?”</p><p>	She sat back and picked up her cider before taking a long sip, staring Remus down over her mug. “Damn right I did. If you’re gonna read so many books, maybe you better start living your own story.”</p><p>	“And how do you suggest I do that?”</p><p>	“Tindr?”</p><p>	Remus looked at her blankly.</p><p>	“Grindr?”</p><p>	He groaned and slid down the couch. “I’m gonna be alone forever.”</p><p>	That earned him another pillow swat to the head. “I’m right here you git, no one said I was leaving you. Now I’ve got an idea, but I don’t think you’re going to like it.”</p><p>	“I’m guessing it doesn’t involve me eating so many Christmas sweets that I get horribly ill while watching It’s <i>A Wonderful Life</i>  on repeat until there is no water left in my body?”</p><p>	“No, it most definitely does not. It involves this,” she said as she tugged a red Moleskine notebook out from under the coffee table.</p><p>	“What are we gonna do with that?”</p><p>	“We are gonna make ourselves a little scavenger hunt. Pete said we could leave the book at the shop, so I figured we use clues from literature, maybe toss in a few dares in to test the person and if they live up to the challenge, they can write you back.”</p><p>	“You got Pete in on this too?”</p><p>	“Yes, cause even he has better plans than you this holiday season.”</p><p>	Remus rolled his eyes before reaching out to grab the journal. He realized Lily had already written <i>Do you dare?</i>  on the front cover in black marker.</p><p>	“How long have you been planning this out for?”</p><p>	Lily shrugged but grinned mischievously as she handed Remus a pen and took another sip of her cider. “What can I say? I love being your magic Christmas elf.”</p><p>	“I think we call that a fairy godmother.”</p><p>	“Nah,” Lily teased. “I like elf better, 'tis the season. Besides if you keep eating that many cookies and spending time with old people, you’ll end up looking like Santa Claus.” She nudged him gently with her foot. “Now tell me, what are you going to write?”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Comments and kudos are always welcome! Come find me on tumblr @sleepcreatecaffeinate.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Candy Canes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Did I spend my morning writing this instead of the essay I have to complete? Why yes, yes I did.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Remus woke to another pillow being tossed at his head. He was starting to wonder if Lily didn’t know that there were other forms of communication. He groaned and tugged his blankets back up over himself. </p><p>	“Mhm, it’s the holidays. I’m still sleeping.”</p><p>	“Well, unless you’re an excellent sleep talker you aren’t. So get up,” she dug around in the covers for his arms and then leaned back as she tugged him to sitting up.</p><p>	He scowled at her. “What do you want you witch?” He was not a morning person and yes he was well aware that it was after 10am.</p><p>	“We got a bite.”</p><p>	“A bite?”</p><p>	Lily tossed a familiar looking red notebook onto the bed. “I went out to run some errands, figured I swing by and see Peter, plus there was that new poetry book I wanted to grab. And voila! He said he came by yesterday. Supposedly gave quite the rendition of Joni Mitchell’s “River.” That was a good idea for a dare.”</p><p>	“Still think we should have picked a happier Christmas song,” Remus said as he scooped a sweater off the floor and wiggled it over his head. </p><p>	“Oh, come on. You know you love that song. You just don’t want to admit it because it ruins your ‘Mr. Christmas’ vibe.”</p><p>	He did love it. In fact, he often had that song on his playlist year-round. It definitely had the mellow, melancholic vibe of the music that he liked to listen to when he was feeling low. </p><p>He traced his fingers gently over the lettering on the cover of the notebook. He didn’t know why he was so nervous. Maybe because he knew once he opened this there was no turning back. Maybe because he was scared of getting his hopes up for something beautiful that would just let him down again. </p><p>	“Pete say anything else about him?”</p><p>	“So, you are curious?”</p><p>	“Shut up,” he said tossing a pillow at Lily. Two could play at that game.</p><p>	“Shut up or do you want to hear more about him?”</p><p>	Remus groaned and flopped back down on the bed, raising his hands to cover his eyes. “Tell me about him.”</p><p>	“Excellent,” Lily said and Remus felt the bed dip as she lay down beside him. “Decently tall, handsome, long black hair, and the beginnings of a five o’clock shadow, bunch of piercings. Something along the lines of a bad boy with a soft heart.”</p><p>	Remus rolled his eyes even though he knew Lily couldn’t see it. “Did Peter say that or did you pull it from the pages of a harlequin romance novel?”</p><p>	“Fine, I embellished. But you know how Peter is. He couldn’t remember someone’s name if you screamed it in his face. He did say the black hair and piercings bit. That and him being surprisingly fit considering how long he was able to outrun the clerks.”</p><p>	Remus felt somewhat disappointed. He didn’t know why. It wasn’t like Peter was going to tell from just looking at him that he was a wizard who was wildly okay with werewolves and cute, scrawny boys were just his type. You couldn’t really tell anything from a person by what they looked like. This was exactly why Remus had no interest in using any dating apps. It felt weird to decide whether you would be a good match for someone from a few curated words and a bunch of staged photographs. He wanted to get to know someone first. Maybe have it grow from there. Maybe Lily was right, maybe he was truly a romantic at heart. </p><p>	“So,” Lily asked. “You gonna open it?”</p><p>	Remus sighed as he sat up and Lily did the same. He tugged the elastic band off the front cover and flipped the pages until he found handwriting he didn’t recognize.</p><p>	<i>You think I’m opposed to publicly embarrassing myself in front of a group of complete strangers? Well, you don’t really know me at all, notebook boy. Although, I guess that’s the point of this whole operation is it, to get to know you and for you to get to know me?</i> </p><p>	<i>To answer your question, yes, I’ll be alone this Christmas. Everyone I love has gone away for the holidays and I could have gone but I didn’t want to feel like I was piggybacking along with their vacation. So here I am, sad and lonely at Christmas. A time of year when it seems like the world likes to puke joy. Although, I’m guessing from your choice of Christmas music, this isn’t your favourite time of year either.</i> </p><p>	<i>Well, notebook boy, I think it’s only fair that I get a chance to test you too. Your dare, should you choose to accept it, is to go to the address below. Once there you may flip to the next page and read your instructions. No peeking. Good luck.</i>  </p><p>	Lily chewed on her lip thoughtfully. “It seems he’s anti-holiday season. That a deal breaker?”</p><p>	“I don’t think I can fault someone’s whole personality for them not liking the holidays. Maybe he worked retail and had to listen to the endless drone of the same twelve Christmas songs for years.”</p><p>	“Okay,” Lily said and got up and began to rifle through Remus’ dresser drawers. </p><p>	“What are you doing?”</p><p>	“Finding you something to wear so you can go on this mystery mission.”</p><p>	“You don’t really think I should do it, do you? I have no idea what this place is. What if he’s a creep trying to kidnap me?”</p><p>	“Well, if he is, he’s gone through a lot of effort to lure you to a secondary location. I’m sure there are better ways to kidnap people.”</p><p>	“Fine, I’ll go, but on one condition. You aren’t allowed to come with me.”</p><p>	Lily pouted.</p><p>	“Hey, I don’t need more people witness to what I have a feeling will be my inevitable embarrassment.”</p><p>	“It’s fine,” Lily said. “I got to work today anyways, but I expect a full report when I get home.”</p><p>	“As you wish.”</p><p>	Lily smiled and left his room shutting the door behind her. </p><p>	The address in the book had led Remus to a quaint corner of the city where a tiny green painted shop was wedged into an enormous building. Above the doorway in gold font was a sign that read: “Candy Cane Craze.”</p><p>	Remus took a deep sigh and opened up the notebook.</p><p>	<i>I think my least favourite things about the holidays is how people find a way to ruin the best things about the holidays. You can’t have one good Christmas movie. You have to make millions of shit ones with the same plot until you can’t watch the first one without throwing up in your mouth. You can’t have a Christmas tree without it needing to be perfect. You have to have the right ornaments, lights, and star or why even bother? And you can’t just have a regular, wonderful, candy cane. You must have a thousand abominations of flavours in the shape of a candy cane.</i>  </p><p>	<i>Welcome to “Candy Cane Craze” notebook boy, a pop-up Christmas shop that makes candy canes in every flavour possible. I dare you to go inside and taste as many candy canes as you can possibly stomach. Leave the notebook next to the worst flavour you find. Good luck.</i> </p><p>	Remus smiled. This was easy. He’d have no problem doing this. </p><p>	Of course, he felt quite different about that when he left the shop over an hour later with his tongue raw and the memories of those awful candy canes sending shiver through his spine. He wondered who had hurt the creator of the shop for them to do something as sadistic as this. His mysterious notebook writer was correct. Candy canes were meant to be peppermint. Not buttered popcorn or cheese on toast. </p><p>	Even the good ones like sugar cookie or gingerbread had just felt wrong. Not to mention that almost all of the candy canes in the store were some combination of colours that was not red and white. </p><p>	Candy floss hadn’t been bad. Sugared violets were awful. Who would want to eat flowers? Root beer was delicious but couldn’t hold a candle to butterbeer. Licorice would have been fine if only they had made it taste like the red kind and not the black.</p><p>	In the end, the candy cane that he had deemed the most disgusting was toasted marshmallow. Remus had expected that to be one of the better ones, so he had gagged when he actually tasted it. It tasted nothing like s'mores, rice krispie squares, or like gooey hot chocolate topping. It had tasted like ash. Remus didn’t think it was humanely possible to create that flavour from doing anything else than pressing charcoal into the shape of a candy cane. </p><p>	At home, three lukewarm cups of tea later, Remus was sitting on the couch with an ice cube on his tongue when Lily came through the door. She paused and looked at him confused.</p><p>	“What did he make you lick a cold telephone pole like in <i>A Christmas Story?</i> "</p><p>	“Might as well have,” Remus said removing the ice so he could speak normally. “Had me go to this pop-up candy cane shop where they make candy canes in every flavour.”</p><p>	Lily looked at him blankly as she shouldered her coat off and took a seat on the armchair.</p><p>	“Every. Flavour.” Remus said staring at her with an intensity that he hoped would invoke understanding. “There was a meatloaf flavoured candy cane, Lily.”</p><p>	She scrunched up her face in understanding. “Okay, that is just wrong. The board of health should shut them down for that.”</p><p>	“They should.” Remus said, feeling better the second he set the ice cube back on his tongue.</p><p>	“So what was the dare?”</p><p>	“I had to taste them all and leave the notebook by the worst one.”</p><p>	“Which was?”</p><p>	“Toasted marshmallow. I know, I was surprised too but if you want to know what it tasted like get down by our fireplace and put a handful of soot in your mouth.”</p><p>	“Gross.”</p><p>	Remus nodded in agreement.</p><p>	“Why haven’t you spelled your tongue better?”</p><p>	“Feels like cheating. I don’t know if he’s a wizard so I’ll suffer through like a Muggle would.”</p><p>	“You didn’t call it?”</p><p>	Remus looked at her confused.</p><p>	“End the game?”</p><p>	His expression changed to one of surprise and Lily smiled and leaned back in the armchair. She crossed her hands and held her fingers together in what could only be described as her best super villain pose.</p><p>	“You’re enjoying this.”</p><p>	“Maybe.” Remus said trying to hide his smile. “Or maybe I just think he deserved a taste of his own medicine.”</p><p>	“So what did you write in the notebook?”</p><p>	Remus raised one eyebrow cheekily. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”</p><p>	He ducked as the pillow came flying at his head again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Don't know if this a controversial opinion, but those flavoured candy canes you can buy are disgusting. Last year, someone had me try one that was fruit punch flavoured and it was not fun. Stay tuned to find out what Remus has planned for Sirius! Comments and kudos are always welcome.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Reindeer Games</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I think this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever written but I'm kinda in love with it.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He’d picked toasted marshmallow. Interesting choice, Sirius thought as he picked up the notebook. The first note was scrawled right underneath Sirius’ instructions. </p><p>	<i>Easy. You think this is a challenge?</i></p><p>	There was a bit of a gap, followed by more writing.</p><p>	<i>You evil, evil man. I don’t think I’m going to be able to taste anything for a week. The candy cane burn left on my tongue is definitely going to get in the way of my hot chocolate enjoyment too. I would like to sit down with whatever monster made this shop and politely ask them who hurt them to make them do such a terrible thing. Not sure if you’d tried them all yourself, but in case you haven’t I will inform you that toasted marshmallow tastes like ash.</i></p><p>	Sirius picked out a couple regular candy canes for himself along with a toasted marshmallow one and opened that one as he left the shop. It was one of the flavours he hadn’t tried yet and the notebook was quite right, it tasted like licking the bottom of Santa Claus’ shoe. He threw it in the nearest trash can and took out a peppermint flavored one instead. </p><p>	<i>I do have a confession to make though, I am not in fact a Christmas cynic. I love the holidays, something about this time of year just feels magic, you know? Well, I suppose you don’t judging from your entries. But I do have one idea of how to get you in the Christmas spirit. Tomorrow morning at 10am be in Riddle Park, you’ll know what you’re looking for once you get there. Oh, and it might be a good idea to wear something comfortable.</i> </p><p>	Interesting, Sirius thought to himself. He had to admit he was a little disappointed that he hadn’t found himself another scrooge to commiserate with, but he couldn’t ignore the fact that he was smiling like an idiot alone under the streetlights. It was snowing outside and for the first time in a long time Sirius didn’t completely hate the way the snowflakes danced under the warm glow as they drifted softly to the ground. Although he would never admit it aloud, maybe notebook boy was right, maybe Muggles had found their own way to bottle magic in the quiet moments like this when the world just feels right, and you know there’s someone out there who knows a little piece of your heart. </p><p> </p><p>	Sirius arrived early to find a giant balloon arch stretched over the entrance of the park. It seemed like an utter waste to him and he wasn’t quite sure why they thought it was a good idea to build a balloon arch in the middle of winter, but it did make it very easy to find what he was guessing he was here for. There were signs staked in the ground everywhere to guide people to washrooms, viewing areas, and where food and beverages were sold. For now, Sirius headed in the direction of the registration tent. </p><p>	“Name?” A frazzled and cold looking volunteer asked him.</p><p>	“Um,” Sirius said reaching to tug the notebook out of his back pocket. He was sure he probably looked mad to this poor woman, having to consult a book for his own name. He flipped through the pages and sure enough there was another note there. </p><p>	<i>I’ve registered you as Kris Kringle, have fun getting in the holiday spirit.</i> </p><p>	Sirius rolled his eyes but couldn’t suppress a small grin.</p><p>	“Kris Kringle.”</p><p>	The volunteer raised one eyebrow at him and Sirius shrugged. She sighed deeply but turned to her list anyways and seemed shocked to find his name there.</p><p>	“You single?”</p><p>	“Excuse me?”</p><p>	“You’re here alone?’</p><p>	“Oh, um, yes.” Notebook boy hadn’t said anything about coming and if he was honest Sirius wanted this game of cat and mouse to go on a little longer.</p><p>	“Okay, sign here,” she said holding out a clipboard to him. “Then follow the signs for singles, they’ll find someone to partner you up with and you can grab your costumes in the big white tent.”</p><p>	Sirius scribbled out his signature without really looking at the sheet. Costumes? What had notebook boy signed him up for?”</p><p>	“Thank you.” Sirius told her and turned to leave.</p><p>	“No problem kid, and welcome to The Reindeer Games.”</p><p>	Sirius didn’t understand what she meant until he had made it inside of the white tent himself. There was a station at the side to find your partner and another piled high with costumes. Most people had already grabbed theirs and the tent was full of people in reindeer costumes. It looked as half of them were dressed up as the heads and half as the back halves. Suddenly, it was like a horrid lightbulb went off over Sirius’ head.</p><p>	“Kris?” A voice said and Sirius turned to see a young man probably around the same age as him. He was a bit smaller than Sirius was but he had a nice smile and sandy brown hair that suited his olive complexion. </p><p>	“It’s a long story but you can just call me Sirius.” He said reaching out a hand to greet the stranger.</p><p>	“Okay,” he laughed. “I’m Benjy, they’ve partnered us up. Want to go grab our costumes?”</p><p>	“Um, this might sound odd, but what exactly are we doing here?”</p><p>	Benjy looked at Sirius confused. Sirius was well aware that he was acting like he stumbled out of a coma.</p><p>	“A friend sent me here on a dare. I don’t really know what’s going on.”</p><p>	“Oh,” Benjy said laughing again with realization. “Well, that makes two of us who don’t really want to be here. I’m only here cause those two nitwits dragged me along.” He jerked his thumb in the direction of an identical pair of men who were currently involved in bickering and a game of tug of war over their own costume. “They’re twins. Convinced it will help them win the game, something about better coordination or twin sense. I really don’t know.”</p><p>	“And the game is?”</p><p>	“The Reindeer Games. Annual competitive obstacle course. You and your partner make up two parts of a reindeer costume and have to make it through an obstacle course. Rules are pretty simple. Separation of your reindeer at any point you lose. Verbal communication with both partners is encouraged. That thing they made you sign is a liability waiver in case of any injury. Other than that, winner is the first complete pair to make it across the finish line. There’s some pretty good prizes.”</p><p>	Sirius was dumbfounded. This whole concept was ridiculous. “Are you serious?”</p><p>	Benjy smirked. “No but I think you are.”</p><p>	Sirius chuckled, ashamed that he hadn’t caught his own slip up. </p><p>	“Alright Benjy, I only have one more question for you. Who’s going to be the ass?”</p><p> </p><p>	“You good?” Benjy asked as they stood at the starting line. </p><p>	“Let’s just try to not die. I don’t want to have to put this down in my obituary.”</p><p>	Benjy laughed again, he seemed to do that a lot and Sirius had to admit he didn’t hate the sound. “Sounds like an excellent plan.”</p><p>	James and him had done some pretty crazy things in the past for pranks. But standing in Riddle Park, in the middle of winter, with his arms wrapped around a stranger’s waist, and his head practically pressed against his ass in a two-person reindeer costume was probably the weirdest thing Sirius had ever done. </p><p>	The announcer fired off a pop gun to get their attention and then started the countdown.</p><p>	“3…2…1… GO!”</p><p>	And then the herd of deformed two-person reindeer were off. Sirius couldn’t see anything at all but was certain that he’d heard a good chunk of them trip over their four feet already.</p><p>	“There’s a mountain! We’re going up!”</p><p>	Sirius stumbled as his feet caught on the beginnings of a sudden incline but was able to right himself quickly enough that he didn’t lose his grip. </p><p>	“And down now!” Benjy called.</p><p>	Sirius caught a brief glint of sunlight as Benjy sped up with the decline before Sirius matched his pace and the costume lined up again. </p><p>	“Alright, haven’t died yet. Next obstacle is gumdrop arches. You’re going to have to squat down a bit so we can get under them.”</p><p>	Benjy slowed down a bit so they could readjust their stance and even with all his years on the Quidditch team Sirius was already feeling his muscles ache. He was pretty sure squatting down while leaning your whole upper body forward and trying to maintain a titanium grip on another person’s waist was a position that the human body was not meant to be in. </p><p>	Sirius felt the top of the arches brush against the fabric of the costume, but they seemed to make it through without a problem. </p><p>	“Another bridge!” Benjy said and this time Sirius was ready and stepped easily over the lip. He was starting to think that they had a chance at winning this before he heard Benjy scream and rear up or that’s what Sirius imagined it must have looked like. But Benjy’s sudden jump in the air caused Sirius to fall flat on his ass, which result in Benjy landing on top of him, causing the two of them to roll sideways and off the platform.</p><p>	Not wanting to have his arms ripped from his sockets, Sirius let go of Benjy’s waist and the two of them rolled through the snow until coming to a stop under a tree. Dazed, Sirius just took a moment and lay there looking up through the snowy branches at the grey, wintry sky.</p><p>	“Sanka you dead?”</p><p>	Sirius laughed. He may not be a fan of the holidays but that doesn’t mean that he didn’t know his seasonal films. “Yeah man.” He replied, which promptly set them both off in a fit of laughter. </p><p>	Benjy appeared over him and Sirius burst into another fit of laughter after seeing how stupid his costume looked covered in snow and with both the antlers broken.</p><p>	“Sorry bout that, snowman jumped out at me, wasn’t expecting it.”</p><p>	Sirius laughed, convinced that he would probably go the rest of his life without hearing those words said again.</p><p>	“Well, now that that embarrassment is over, wanna go get some roasted chestnuts?”</p><p>	“Sounds excellent,” Sirius said and let Benjy pull him to his feet.</p><p>	They walked along the rest of the track and as Sirius saw how much more complicated the obstacles got, he was grateful that they had tripped up when they did. He was pretty sure if they had kept going at least one of them would have ended up with a broken bone. Although, he did have to admit it was a lot more entertaining to watch. You can’t take a hoard of full-grown adults in two-person reindeer costumes sprinting through a park very seriously. </p><p>	After getting rid of their costumes, and collecting their things, they headed to the snack tents and Benjy handed him a bag of roasted chestnuts. The two of them chatted for a bit as they walked through the rest of the park and waited for the race to finish up. Eventually, Benjy’s friends from earlier came running up to them still in their reindeer costume. </p><p>	“Second place baby!” They yelled holding up their hands for collective high fives.</p><p>	“Come on! We gotta go, awards ceremony is going to start soon.” The other twin said grabbing Benjy’s arm and moving to drag him away.</p><p>	“Hold on a second Tweedledee and Tweedledum,” Benjy said twisting himself out of their grasp.</p><p>	“Sirius, you want to tag along?”</p><p>	Sirius had to admit he was having fun with Benjy, but he still needed to drop the notebook off, and he didn’t want to risk missing his window.</p><p>	“That’s okay, there’s something I got to do but you go ahead.”</p><p>	“Sure,” Benjy said and stopped to dig around in his bag for a bit. “Here,” he said as he tugged out a pen and uncapped it with his mouth. He scribbled something down on his empty chestnut bag and handed it to Sirius. “In case you decide to join in any other reindeer games.”</p><p>	Sirius took the chestnut bag from him and realized there was a number scrawled across the top. “Thanks Benjy, I had fun.”</p><p>	“Me too,” he said and then waved goodbye as his friends dragged him away. </p><p>	Sirius tucked the chestnut bag in with his things as he dug out the notebook and a pen of his own. Benjy was sweet, but there was someone else who was still on his mind. He found a quiet bench to sit down on and update the notebook. The last message his mystery writer had left was:</p><p>	<i>I hope you had fun. I wondered if maybe you hated Christmas because no one ever let you join in all the reindeer games. It’s no fun to feel alone at a time of the year when the world seems to be obsessed with togetherness.</i>  </p><p>	<i>But enough with the melancholy, tell me, how great did you look in that reindeer costume? Leave the notebook at the hot chocolate stand. Can’t wait to hear from you Rudolph.</i> </p><p>	Sirius found the hot chocolate stand pretty easily and was surprised to see countless cups of steaming hot chocolate sitting on the counter. There was no way they should still be that hot in this cold. He looked up at the red head running the stand and briefly wondered if she was a witch. </p><p>	“Excuse me.”</p><p>	“Yes?” she said turning around. “What can I get for you?”</p><p>	“Um, one hot chocolate please and I’d like to leave this,” he said holding out the notebook. </p><p>	Her eyes widened before she broke into a sly smile and leaned down on the counter.</p><p>	“So, you’re the mysterious writer.”</p><p>	Sirius was a little startled by her forward approach. “I take it you know my notebook boy?”</p><p>	“So he’s yours now is he?”</p><p>	Sirius blushed, and hoped that she’d think the redness in his cheeks was just from the cold. </p><p>	“Could you, maybe not tell him we met? Maybe just say you were on a break when I dropped it off or the stand was busy?”</p><p>	“And why would I want to do that?”</p><p>	“Maybe I’m not ready for him to know all of me yet. Maybe I still want to convince him that I’m someone worth meeting.”</p><p>	She paused for a moment and twirled a strand of her hand absent-mindedly as she thought. </p><p>	“Alright, but I have one condition, I want to know your name.” Sirius went to say something, but she interrupted him again. “I swear I won’t tell. I’m just curious.”</p><p>	Sirius didn’t know why but he felt like he could trust her.</p><p>	“I’m Sirius,” he said holding out the notebook again.</p><p>	“I’m Lily, nice to meet you Sirius,” she took the notebook from him and passed him a cup of hot chocolate in return.</p><p>	“How much do I owe you?” He asked reaching for his wallet. </p><p>	“For you,” she said. “No charge. Now get out of here before he shows up looking for this.”</p><p>	Sirius nodded and bade Lily goodbye as he turned to leave the park and head home. He had to admit that as the hot chocolate warmed his hands and belly he was starting to feel just the tiniest bit festive.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm really enjoying coming up with more dares for these two loveable idiots to inflict on each other. Thanks for reading! Comments and kudos always welcome and I'll see ya tomorrow with the next update!</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Mistletoe</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry this one is coming out pretty late, was busy spending some time with friends!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hello!” Lily called as she stepped through the front door and brushed snow off her clothes.</p><p>	“Did he drop off the notebook?” Remus asked as he scrambled off the couch and to the front door like an overeager puppy.</p><p>	Lily sighed as she held the notebook out. “Welcome home Lily. How was your day Lily? Oh well, my day was fine, quite chilly out, but work was busy. How are you Remus?”</p><p>	“Sorry,” Remus said. “Just excited. So, what’s he like?”</p><p>	“Didn’t see him,” Lily said as she went to hang up her jacket. “Wonder if he knew it was a sting operation. Things got busy and I turned around for a moment and boom the notebook was on the counter. Bummer too, I was really looking forward to meeting this mystery man who has got my Remus all in a tizzy.”</p><p>	“I am not in a tizzy,” Remus grumbled.</p><p>	“Are too,” Lily teased. “Now go on, tell me what he wrote.”</p><p>	Remus sat at the table in the kitchen as Lily busied herself with making tea and flipped to the newest entry.</p><p>	<i>Wow, you quite literally have me making an ass out of myself. If I had known that was going to the payback for making you eat a toasted marshmallow candy cane, I might have thought twice about it. Although I do have to say, takes quite a bit of confidence to send your pen pal/possible crush out on a dare that will have him holding onto a stranger’s hips and practically rubbing his face against his ass and trust that he won’t run off with him.</i></p><p>
  <i>Don’t worry notebook boy, I’m not on the run yet. And to answer your question I look absolutely dashing in that reindeer costume. In fact, I think Dasher suits me better than Rudolph. And don’t feel too proud of yourself but I think I may have experienced just the tiniest bit of that elusive Christmas spirit you’re on about.</i>
  
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  	<i>Perhaps that’s why I’ve decided to be kinder to you, that or your attempt to embarrass me wasn’t as successful as you thought. Believe me, I’ve done enough stupid things in my lifetime that it would take something extra special to really make me feel like a fool.</i>
     
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  <i>Now, I hope that pretty little tongue of yours is all healed up because I am going to introduce you to the best hot chocolate in the city. Hopefully it will help wash the rest of that toasted marshmallow taste out of your mouth. Go to the address below and then turn the page for your next instructions.</i>
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                <i>	Remus rolled his eyes and headed out in the direction of the shop his mystery writer had told him about. As he walked to the café, Remus thought about what had been written in the notebook. He hadn’t really thought much about the physical proximity of being in a two-person reindeer costume with someone. Maybe it had been stupid for him to suggest that as a dare. Maybe he should have been more careful. Or maybe he was just seeing once again how everything could go wrong before it even started. </i>
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                <i>	The café was cozy and quaint. They had lovely tinsel and hand cut paper decorations coating the walls and since it was so late Remus was able to find a comfortable seat with ease. He ordered himself a hot chocolate and was quite baffled when it came. The mug was easily double the size of anything he had it home. If anything, it was more of a bowl with a handle stuck on the side. It was piled high with whipped cream and marshmallows and dusted with cocoa shavings and what Remus’ nose was telling him was a hint of nutmeg. It came on a plate to help prevent a mess from the melted whipped cream and chocolate sauce that already dripped down the side of the mug. It was also accompanied by a small spoon that was coated with white chocolate dipped in crushed candy canes, so that way when you stirred the drink the peppermint would melt into it. It smelled absolutely divine and Remus had to convince himself to not take a sip right away so he wouldn’t further damage his already sore tongue. </i>
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<i>Gorgeous, isn’t it? Now, while you wait for it to cool, I thought we might get better acquainted. See, these dares tell me a lot about you, but there’s also so much more I want to know. In some ways, I think there is already so much I know about you. For example, the fact that out of all the holiday songs in the world that you would pick “River” for me to sing but insist to be a Christmas person. I think that tells me there’s a deeper story to your holiday feelings. I don’t think you’re Mr. Christmas all the time notebook boy. No one is. It’s impossible to be happy all the time.</i></p><p>
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  <i>So today, I dare you to tell me the truth. What was the worst Christmas you ever had?</i>
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                        <i>	Remus scooped up his pen and prepared to fight back with his own witty banter but stopped himself. He realized that this too was a dare, a dare for Remus to do something that he feared: to be truly vulnerable with someone. So, he stopped himself, thought for a moment, and then started to write.</i>
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</p><p> <i>I went to a boarding school growing up. It was quite a ways from home and even though I usually went home for the holidays, one year there was this particularly nasty snowstorm that stopped all transportation from being able to get in. So, all the students were effectively stranded until the weather cleared up. The storm persisted for long enough that it was getting close to Christmas and I got the bright idea to rope some friends into helping me throw a Christmas Eve party in the common room.</i>
 
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<i>It would be easy for me to lie and say that I was doing it to keep everyone’s spirits up as we were all quite miserable since it seemed we weren’t going to be home in time to be fattened up and spoiled with presents. But the truth was, I was doing it for someone in particular. A boy. We’d shared classes together for years but never really talked. Finally, through a fluke that year we had realized we’d had a lot in common. We spent almost every waking hour together, pouring over our favourite books, or discussing new theories or twists on ancient mythology. As the year went on, I started to feel different about him and I was sure he was starting to feel different about me too. It seemed that when we both went to turn the same page and caught each other’s hands his fingers would linger for a moment too long. Sometimes at meals I’d turn and swear that I just caught him staring at me from afar. I wanted him to have a special Christmas. I wanted to show him that he was special to me.</i>
                   
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<i>The party started off brilliantly. Someone had managed to raid the kitchens for extra sweets and there was more than enough cozy sweaters and hot chocolate to go around. It was getting close to midnight and everyone was eagerly waiting for the clock to click over so that it would officially be Christmas day. As the clock drew near twelve, I got up to go and find my friend realizing that I had lost him at some point in the night. I found him, standing in a doorway underneath the mistletoe. The clock struck midnight and he was right where I wanted him to be. Right underneath the little sprig that I had hung just for the two of us. But he was kissing her instead.</i>
                   
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 <i>I didn’t know a heart could shatter like that. All those stolen moments I thought we had, I guess they were all in my head. I guess I was just seeing what I wanted to. Some days I’m still convinced that there was something there, but I try not to think about it anymore. Luckily, the snow cleared up the next day and everyone got home before Christmas day had ended. I didn’t really talk to him again; I mean he tried, but I made myself unavailable and as cold as possible. I imagine it was hard for him, wondering why I shut him out all of the sudden. I knew it wasn’t his fault, but I was still so angry, and I had nowhere else for that pain to go. It was easier to blame him than to blame myself for believing that I deserved something that wonderful. That I could have had something that beautiful.</i>
                               
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 <i>I spent most of the holidays in bed. Suddenly, everything I once loved about the holidays felt like a reminder of all the things I couldn’t have. Maybe that’s why I like the song “River” so much. Maybe I still have days that I wish I could skate away from all of this back to the days when I was naïve enough to believe it would all work out.</i>
        
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                                                <i>	Of course, Remus didn’t mention that was also one of the few years that the full moon had fallen on Christmas. He hadn’t written about the way that for the first time in his life he was happy to let the wolf tear him apart, to have some other pain to focus on. That he’d lied and told his parents it was because of the full that he had spent so much time in bed when in reality it was everything inside of him that was still hurting. </i>
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                                                <i>	He picked up the hot chocolate and took the first glorious sip. It took every bit of will power in him to not chug it all in one go. It was sweet and warm but with just the right hint of saltiness too. The dash of nutmeg lingered in his mouth along with the sharp bite of the peppermint. It was heaven in a mug. It almost made him feel guilty for putting his mystery writer through The Reindeer Games. Almost. </i>
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                                                <i>	Remus scribbled out his thoughts on the hot chocolate in the notebook and added a location and information for the next dare. After doing that he turned to the next blank page and added at the top:</i>
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</p><p><i>Enough cynicism Mr. Scrooge, now tell me what was your best Christmas?</i>
                                          
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Someone needs to invent a time machine so we can travel back and give baby Remus a hug. Thanks for all the love this fic has been getting, please feel free to leave comments or kudos, I love hearing all your thoughts!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Sparkle</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This one was definitely a little trickier to come up with, but a good challenge.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sirius picked the notebook up from the café the next day. He sat down and ordered a hot chocolate and wondered vacantly if perhaps he was sitting in the same chair notebook boy had sat in last night. As he absent mindedly twirled his spoon in his hot chocolate, he opened up the notebook and started to read what he had written. </p><p>	He smiled as he imagined a young notebook boy glowing with excitement and pouring all of his love into beautiful decorations. It was odd, when Sirius thought of him it was like he was staring through fogged glass. He could make out all the shapes, but he could never really get close enough to make out any of the features or his face. Still, he could see so much of what he had described vividly along with the impending anxiety that came with the knowledge that what was being described was his worst holiday. His heart broke as he got closer and closer to the end. When he read: <i>It was easier to blame him than to blame myself for believing that I deserved something that wonderful. That I could have had something that beautiful.</i> Sirius was aware that he wasn’t really writing in the past tense. That these were things that his notebook boy didn’t feel like he deserved.</p><p>	He flipped to a fresh page before finishing reading what had been written. This was how they communicated with each other, writing down their thoughts as they happened. Both playing out the dialogue in their head as if they were seated across from one another. </p><p>	<i>I want to say if I was there, I would have snogged you under the mistletoe just to see your eyes twinkle. That I would have pressed our lips together until you couldn’t remember your own name, let alone that of a boy who broke your heart.</i></p><p>	<i>But I realize that wouldn’t have changed anything, you still would have wanted it to be him. I’m not very good with sitting with people in pain. I always want to find a way to fix it. To make the pain go away.</i></p><p>	There was more that he wanted to say but that he couldn’t yet find the words for, so he flipped back to notebook boy’s familiar handwriting and kept reading. </p><p>	<i>Oh my god, that hot chocolate was brilliantly. I think I’d sell my left arm for another mug of it. I would swear off men for the rest of my life if it meant that I could have an endless fountain of this in my room. Forget booze, this shit is addictive.</i> </p><p>	Sirius noticed the shift back to humour and away from the rawness of everything else he had written. Seemed like notebook boy knew something about using humour as a coping mechanism too. </p><p>	<i>Almost makes me feel bad for putting you through The Reindeer Games. Almost. Unless of course you’re planning on using this hot chocolate to bribe me into doing something naughty. In that case, it is most definitely working. Either way, I’ve decided your next dare will be much softer. Head to the following address, find the back door and ask for Dorcas. She’ll know what you’re there for, no need for fake names this time Kris Kringle.</i></p><p>	There was an address below and then on the top of the next page was a single line. </p><p>	<i>Enough cynicism Mr. Scrooge, now tell me what was your best Christmas?</i></p><p>	Sirius supposed that notebook boy had been honest with him, so now it was only far that he take his turn to share. </p><p>	<i>I’m glad you enjoyed the hot chocolate. Hope it doesn’t put you off men completely. I can assure you I’m just as sweet and taste just as good.</i></p><p>	<i>But to be serious, my best Christmas was when I was sixteen. That summer I had left my family home (a long story for another time) and was taken in by my best friend and his family. His parents were brilliant, they treated me like their son and he treated me like his brother, but I still couldn’t shake the feeling that I was just an intruder in their home. They hadn’t asked for the responsibility of another child, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that they were just being polite. Christmas was never really a big thing in their household, his mum is Indian so they usually pour more energy into Diwali celebrations and do something smaller for Christmas. But they knew I’d never really had a Christmas before, and they knew how much it always fascinated me. So they spent the whole season pulling out all the stops. Big Christmas tree, endless baked goods, buckets of invitations, hell they even took me to meet Santa. On Christmas morning, there were tons of gifts under the tree and they had written on every tag “To our son,” with my name on it. I just broke down sobbing. I didn’t know what a home was really supposed to be like, or that a family could feel that warm. I’d been lucky to have good friends, but this was the first time I really felt I belonged somewhere. The first time I ever had a place I could truly call home.</i> </p><p>	<i>No Christmas will ever be able to top the one where I truly realized I had a family.</i></p><p>	Sirius paused then and as he finished off his hot chocolate he thought about James and his family. Sirius’ family. He could have gone travelling with them this holiday. But as perfect as that Christmas morning was, it didn’t banish the fact that he still sometimes felt like an interloper. He felt that in order to not lose them forever that he needed to give them a chance to just be the three of them sometimes, to live for a little while in what their life was like before he came along. </p><p>	Sirius shook his head and tugged out his phone to send James a quick text:

- I miss you, you idiot. 

Then he scooped up the notebook and went in search of his next dare. </p><p> </p><p>	Sirius was surprised to realize that the building he arrived at was one of the more prominent museums in the city. He felt like a burglar as he circled the building in search of the back door. When he finally found the old metal door with the faded words Staff Only on it, he raised a hand and knocked twice, not sure if anyone would even answer.</p><p>	The door was wrenched open by a young woman with some kind of magnifying googles on that made her eyes look like that of a fly. Her afro was pulled back with a tight headband to keep stray strands out of her face and she was wearing a smock that seemed to be covered in various different types of paint and chemicals. </p><p>	“Can I help you?” She asked. </p><p>	“I’m looking for Dorcas.”</p><p>	Her face broke into a smile that was more than a little terrifying when combined with the effect of the glasses. She must have recognized the fear in Sirius’ face because she quickly tugged them off murmuring apologies.</p><p>	“Sorry, always forget how those make me look like a freak. It’s usually only me here though so I never have to worry about scaring anyone. You must be the mystery writer?”</p><p>	“That’s me.” Sirius said.</p><p>	“Come on in, I’ve got just the thing for you to help with.”</p><p>	She led Sirius into the workshop and showed him to a small worktable. She handed him a smock, a pair of safety goggles, and gloves to put on. </p><p>	“Nothing you’ll be using can hurt you that bad. More for show really. Here, I’ve got some statues you can help me clean up.”</p><p>	She gestured to a number of figures that lay on the workspace. When Sirius thought of statues, he thought of Michelangelo’s David or Renaissance pieces that always seemed to loom over him. These were small, carved with intricate detail and they couldn’t be longer than his forearm.</p><p>	“Most of the ones we get in like this are done in copper or bronze. Beautiful stuff but it oxidizes so easy. Not too hard to polish up though. Lemme show you how it’s done.” She took her time to show Sirius how to apply the chemical onto the proper tools, never directly on the statue, and how to gently rub in just the right way to loosen off the age and reveal the shiny metal underneath. Once she was satisfied with how he was doing, she went back to her own workstation to continue the painting she was fixing. </p><p>	“I take it you know notebook boy?” Sirius asked.</p><p>	“I do.”</p><p>	“Get the sense he’s trying to spy on me. I seem to keep running into his friends.”</p><p>	Dorcas smiled gently, “Or maybe his friends just want to make sure you’re someone that’s good for him.”</p><p>	“I promise I won’t hurt him.”</p><p>	“How do you know that’s a promise you can keep?”</p><p>	She was right of course. Sirius barely knew him, but yet he was sure that all he would ever want to do was keep him safe. He had a strong protective streak that could get overbearing sometimes. James always joked that if Sirius had his way, he would never be out of his sight. Maybe, it was because Sirius knew that sometimes you let people out of your sight, and they don’t come back.</p><p>	“You’re right, but it’s a promise I want to keep. I want him to believe that I can keep him safe, that he deserves to be kept safe.”</p><p>	Dorcas studied him for a moment, and Sirius didn’t know if it was her background, but he could have sworn that she was looking at him like he was a painting. Trying to peel back the layers one by one to figure out how it was all put together. </p><p>	“You just focus on getting those pieces cleaned up, okay?”</p><p>	Sirius nodded and turned his attention back to the statues. He was surprised at how easy it was to lose himself in the work. There was something so calming in stripping away the grime, knowing that with each brush you were getting closer to seeing the full picture. It reminded him a bit of his competitiveness with Quidditch, but it was softer. Less of a desire to win and more of a desire to finish, to know that he had done a good job. He almost jumped when Dorcas appeared beside him as he finished up the last piece. </p><p>	“St. Jude,” she said.</p><p>	“Sorry?” Sirius asked. </p><p>	“The statue. It’s St. Jude, patron saint of lost causes.”</p><p>	Sirius smiled, he thought he knew a little something about that. </p><p>	“You’re good at this,” she said as she examined the other ones he’d finished up. “You got a gentle touch. Soft metals like this are easy to overdo. Too much pressure, you push too hard and you lose all the important details. They all meld together, but the piece doesn’t really work as a whole without them.”</p><p>	Sirius nodded as he listened intently. Not being able to shake the feeling that she was no longer just talking about the statues. Sirius couldn’t lie, seeing how fiercely notebook boy’s friends loved and cared for him made Sirius love him a little bit more. </p><p>	“I got to finish tidying up here. I figure you got some writing to do, go ahead and you can just leave it here when you’re finished.”</p><p>	“Thanks, you’re a good teacher.”</p><p>	“Makes my life easy when I have an attentive student,” she placed a hand gently on his shoulder and then turned and headed in the direction of the sinks. </p><p>	Sirius lay the notebook open and looked at the figures in front of him. St. Jude. Sirius made a mental note to do more research about him. It was hard to believe that the now shiny bright statues had been the same dull ones he had encountered when he came to the studio only a few hours ago. He thought about the conversations him and notebook boy had been having. The way it felt like gently, slowly they were pulling all the grime and rust off each other’s cages so they could climb in and get to know one another a little better. </p><p>	Sirius thought that now he might be able to find the words that eluded him earlier. </p><p>
  <i>I guess, what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry that younger you had to go through that. I know a little something about what it is to believe in a love that isn’t. You keep using the word maybe. I think to deflect from the truth of what you’re feeling. But notebook boy, you deserve to believe in something. You deserve a beautiful love story. A beautiful life. If I’ve learned anything today, it’s that things never truly lose their shine. Sure, they might tarnish a little bit. But underneath it all that sparkle is still there. You never lost your shine. That boy who believed he could have the whole world, that boy who believed he was enough is still in there. He just needs a little polish to help set himself free.</i>
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  <i>Talking to you, it’s helping me find that shine within myself too. Hearing how much Dorcas cares for you made me remembered how easy it is to forget that. That when we spend every morning looking at ourselves in the mirror, we only see the rust where everyone else sees gold. When I’m talking to you, notebook boy, I sparkle.</i>
</p><p>He smiled as he thought of where he would send notebook boy next and jotted down some final thoughts along with new instructions. He left the notebook on the desk and waved goodbye to Dorcas. Sirius spent the whole walk home thinking about what notebook boy would say next and wondering what colour his eyes were and if they would sparkle the same way his words did.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Let me know what you thought of this chapter! I love hearing from y'all!<br/>Also don't know about you, but I definitely think modern wizards would have cellphones.</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Silver and Gold</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Coming up with an idea for today's chapter was hard, but I had a lot of fun with it once I figured it out.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dorcas showed up the next morning for breakfast and had brought the notebook with her. </p><p>	“I approve,” she said as she held it out over the table for Remus to take.</p><p>	“Yeah?” He asked as he opened it and started to flip through the pages. </p><p>	“I mean, he’s definitely got layers, and there’s something going on there underneath. But I think he genuinely cares about being good for you, about wanting to take care of you.”	</p><p>	“Sounds like a right nut,” Remus mumbled under his breath. “Who would want to do that?”</p><p>	Dorcas swiftly threw the last bite of her toast at Remus’ head.</p><p>	“Hey! What was that for?”</p><p>	“No one’s allowed to shit talk my friends except for me, and especially not you.” </p><p>	“You and Lily been talking a lot lately? Because I swear there are ways to get me to listen to you beside throwing stuff at my head.”</p><p>	“You’ve always been a good listener, Rems. The trouble is getting you to believe what we say.” </p><p>	Remus decided to ignore this and turned his attention back to the notebook. </p><p>	Dorcas mopped up the rest of her eggs and stuffed them in her mouth before grabbing her jacket. </p><p>	“Well, I’m going to be late for work. So, I’ll leave you two alone,” she said waggling her eyebrows at him.</p><p>	“If anyone could make reading a notebook sound dirty, it would be you, Dorcas.”</p><p>	She laughed and gave him a dramatic bow before tugging on her boots and opening the door. She paused just before leaving and turned back to Remus.</p><p>	“He’s cute too. You know if boys are your thing.” And with that she was gone, leaving Remus smiling and shaking his head. How did he get so lucky to find such friends?</p><p>	He went back to reading the notebook and choked a bit on his breakfast when he read that bit about how his mystery writer supposedly tasted and about his wish to snog him under the mistletoe. He had to give this guy credit: he was smooth. </p><p>	His hearted warmed as he read about his best Christmas. He did wonder what had happened that he had to leave home. He hoped his family hadn’t kicked him out because of his sexuality, that would be terrible, but at least he had a soft place to land. Remus was glad that there was some joy buried underneath his mystery writer’s cynicism and humour. </p><p>	Then Remus got to the part that he assumed had been written at Dorcas’ and his eyes started to well up with tears. The maybes and the humour had been something that Remus had been using for so long that he was convinced that no one even noticed any more. And here was this complete stranger seeing through it all and understanding just how scared and alone Remus felt on the inside. </p><p>	Remus got up to start tidying the dishes and caught a glimpse of his reflection in the window. Of course, the mirror his mystery writer looked into every morning probably gave back a very different reflection than for Remus’. No amount of polish or care was ever going to remove the way that Remus’ scars tarnished his skin. He loved that his writer sparkled when they spoke, he loved that he thought that he shone, but that quick flash in the window was all it took to remind Remus that the person he was for falling for wasn’t him. His mystery writer had probably dreamed up some bronze god in his head and would probably laugh when he saw him. The mystery writer didn’t know him. He could never truly know why Remus didn’t deserve a beautiful love story. A beautiful life. Remus tried to shake the thoughts loose from his head. Fine, he wouldn’t get his happily ever after, but he was going to enjoy this, whatever it was, for as long as he could.</p><p>	He finished cleaning up the dishes and then returned to the notebook.</p><p>	<i>Dorcas had me polish this statue of St. Jude. I don’t know if you’ve heard much about him but he’s the patron saint of lost causes. I wonder if you find it as comforting as I do: the knowledge that there’s someone out there looking out for the hopeless. I don’t know if there really are hopeless people. I think that just maybe, there’s only people who have forgotten what hope is and need to be reminded. Maybe you could do with a little of that reminding too notebook boy.</i></p><p>	Lost causes. Hadn’t the healers told his parents something along that line when he was bitten? That trying to heal or undo the curse was a lost cause. If so, St. Jude must have his hands full of all sorts of dark creatures. Remus always wondered if it was the werewolf in him that pitied the creatures that they learned about in school. The way they were taught that some of them were just inherently evil. Maybe that, or that he just had a better understanding than others that perhaps monsters aren’t born but are made. After all, how many times do you call a boy monster before he starts to believe it?</p><p> </p><p>	Remus had made his way to the location his mystery writer had left for him. He was a little annoyed with himself that he hadn’t recognized where he was going right away. After all, the science centre had been one of his favourite places as a kid. The planetarium to him seemed to have a magic all of its own. </p><p>	<i>Alright, notebook boy, I have a puzzle for you today. The information you need to solve the puzzle can be found within this building. When you’ve completed the puzzle, turn the page for further instructions and to find your reward.</i> </p><p>	Beneath that was the following:</p><p>	74   1   8   /    18  e   /   39   8   92  / 7  8  52   5  8  19 /  5  39?</p><p>	Remus smiled. He had a good guess that his mystery writer had underestimated his abilities with this one. After all, Remus had to admit he was a big nerd and knew that there were only so many exhibits in this museum that had numbers involved in them in any way.   </p><p>	His first guess was the spy exposition that had just opened, he was hoping that one of the cryptograms would help but when all he ended up with was a bunch of gooblty goop he decided it was time to move on. Many of the math exhibits didn’t fair much better as most of the equations and interactive pieces used more complex formulas than a single number.</p><p>Just when he was starting to think this would be harder than he expected, he stumbled into the chemistry section of the museum and it all clicked into place. He hurried to what had been one of the coolest parts of the museum to him as a kid.</p><p>Before him stood a massive series of cubbies in the shape of the periodic table. The doors were well worn and many of them had been replaced from being yanked on by so many curious hands, but it still looked like Remus had remembered it. He ran his fingers over the carvings in the wood, each one on a different box to correspond with the appropriate element. Some of the boxes were hollow but most of them held small items inside that were made of whatever the element was. It was supposed to give a kinesthetic approach to learning and let kids connect their understanding of the elements to things they used every day.</p><p>	As Remus leaned against the wall, he felt a little silly for not seeing it sooner, the puzzle was a simple substitution. You took the atomic number for an element and put in the corresponding symbol. It wasn’t long before he uncovered the puzzle.</p><p>	W   H   O   /  Ar  e   /   Y   O   U  / N  O  Te  Bo  O  K /  Bo  Y?</p><p>	Remus was intrigued but a little confused by the question. Did the mystery writer want to know his name or was it more of a philosophical question? He turned the page hoping it would provide some clarification.</p><p>	<i>Congrats! Of course, that is assuming you solved the puzzle and didn’t cheat and flip the page right away. I’m awful with surprises and I’ve never been fond of patience. I’m sure you didn’t cheat though, notebook boy. You seem much too honest for that. Besides I happen to get the feeling you find joy in the little things. Like Christmas lights, or hot chocolate, or the feeling of finishing a good puzzle. Your reward can be found in cabinet 79, that is assuming no child has stolen it by now. Take your prize out to the park tonight and unwrap it there. No peeking! Besides, I’m Kris Kringle aren’t are? I’ll know if you’ve been naughty.</i> </p><p>	How could this mysterious writer find a way to turn anything into an excuse to flirt? Remus closed the notebook and made his way to cabinet 79 which had a large Au carved into it to represent gold. He opened up the door and found a small brown package hidden in the back behind the usual watch that sat in there.</p><p>	It was small and round and surprisingly heavy. It was wrapped in paper and twine and a small tag hung from the string. In familiar handwriting were the words <i>To Notebook Boy From Kris Kringle.</i>  </p><p>	Remus spent the rest of the day trying to run errands and finish up Christmas shopping, but no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t seem to distract himself from the mysterious weight in his pocket and the question of how he was going to answer his mystery writer’s latest query. Needless to say, Remus was already on his way to the park by the time the sun was going down. He found a quiet corner by himself and carefully tugged off the wrapping, tucking the tag into his pocket for safe keeping. It was a gold ball with ornate carvings running up and down the sides and as he held onto it, he noticed that it was starting to unfurl itself in his hand. As it finished sprouting delicate wings, it took off, leaving Remus with only the note that was left inside. </p><p>	<i>Pretty neat, huh? Some engineering students came up with them for a game I used to play at school. Don’t worry, I’ve programmed this one to come back to you. Thought it might be a nice reminder that you deserve to fly as high as you want, knowing that you’ll always have a safe place to come back and land. I think you know your friends love you but are too scared to test how far that love will go. I think you underestimate how much they want the best for you.</i>  </p><p>	Remus laughed out loud. He had to give the mystery writer props for what was certainly one very creative way to explain a snitch to a Muggle. Although he supposed with all the drones nowadays people wouldn’t find a flying golden orb that unbelievable. The snitch came whizzing back into his grasp and Remus figured he must have changed the charm on the snitch’s flesh memory somehow so that it would know it could only roam so far from the first person who touched it. </p><p>	Remus had never played Quidditch at school, but he loved watching it. Well, his first boyfriend had been on the Quidditch team and Remus loved watching him, but once they broke up Remus realized that all the months of attending the games had actually caused him to fall in love with the sport himself. </p><p>	He’d never held a snitch before and ran his fingers over the delicate carvings on the metal. The wings flickered like a cat purring when you scratched its back in just the right place. As Remus turned it over in his hands, he realized that there was an inscription on the bottom. </p><p>	<i>You matter to me.</i> </p><p>	Remus smiled like an idiot at the stupid science pun but couldn’t ignore the way it set his heart aflutter. Maybe if he could have seen himself in that moment, he would have understood what his mystery writer had meant about him shining. </p><p>	But instead, Remus just stood in the moonlight with the snitch clutched in his hand. It meant that his mystery writer was a wizard too and he couldn’t quite decide if that made things easier or more complicated. He could talk openly about magic now, maybe incorporate it into some of his dares, but it also meant that hiding his lycanthropy was even more important since there was a good chance his mystery writer had been raised to hate and fear werewolves.</p><p>	He sighed, remembering again the question he had yet to answer:</p><p>	<i>Who are you notebook boy?</i> </p><p>	He turned his head to the night sky and the crescent moon, remembering that the alchemical symbol for silver had been an image of the moon. There had never been much research on the connections between werewolves, the moon, and silver. Remus knew that his hands didn’t burn if he picked up silverware. Not that he often had occasion to be using silverware that was actually made of the pure metal. He wasn’t one for testing any of the theories, but you heard myths, urban legends, some stories of capture and torture that had too much detail to be anything but real. </p><p>He thought of the Walter de la Mare poem “Silver,” the way he wrote about the beauty of the world when it was basked under the moonlight. That was how Remus liked to think of it. That most days of the month he was able to stand under the moon’s soft glow, could be coated in silver from head to toe, and not have to worry about the way it might burn. </p><p>He feared the moon. The way its constant ebb and flow brought about changes in himself that he couldn’t control, but he didn’t hate it. After all, how could you hate something so beautiful? The moon was like her own version of St. Jude, watching over the lonely people who wandered under her gaze at night. She too wanted to help guide the broken. </p><p>And there with the golden snitch his hand and blanketed in the moon’s slivery sheen, Remus knew what he was going to tell his mystery writer.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Wonder what Remus is going to tell him...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Pine Tree</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>An hour late! I'm so sorry 😭. Today was crazy but a good crazy, this introvert needs to rest. Also decided to try something different with the style today, hope you enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sirius went back to the science centre the next day and found the notebook in the box marked Ag for silver with a small wrapped gift as well. There was a note on the gift that read:</p><p>	<i>Do not open until you are told! I know you have some patience in you somewhere.</i> </p><p>	He was tempted to tear the paper off then and there, but decided that for notebook boy he could hold on a little longer. </p><p>	<i>Engineering students, eh? Got to give you props for the clever way of explaining a snitch to a Muggle. Lucky for you, I’m a wizard too and know enough about Quidditch that I know a snitch when I see one. What position did you play in school? A bet you were a keeper ;)</i></p><p>	<i>But as for what I have in store for you today, there are a few rules. Well, I guess only one really, you are not allowed to use magic. You have to muddle through like the Muggles do, it’s really the only way to get the full authentic experience.</i></p><p>	Sirius had thought about the possibility that the snitch would reveal that his notebook boy was a wizard, but he hadn’t really thought about what that would mean. He wasn’t quite sure how he felt about him being closer to him. It meant there were experiences they would have shared. Things they would both understand. If they did end up together, he wouldn’t have to go through the awkward “surprise magic exists” phase even if the Muggle and magical worlds were closer now than ever. Honestly, he didn’t know how the half-bloods of the past did it.</p><p>	But notebook boy being a wizard meant that there was a chance that he would know who his family was, maybe know the infamy around Sirius’ departure from said family. He didn’t want notebook boy to decide anything before he got a chance to explain himself. For the first time, he didn’t want notebook boy to know who he was, not yet. </p><p>	<i>I’m a half-blood. My mum’s a Muggle, my dad’s a wizard. Spent most of my childhood growing up in Wales before heading off to school.</i></p><p>	He knew where notebook boy was from now, but where were they going? He bundled himself up as he made his way across the city. </p><p>	<i>My favourite smell in the world is the smell of old books, or new books, or any books really. I love chocolate and the sort of rainy days when you can stay inside and read. I hate when people leave the cupboard doors open and I’m deathly afraid of sudden noises in the middle of the night.</i> </p><p>	Sirius came to the small Christmas tree farm the notebook had directed him too and made his way inside breathing in the heady smell of pine and the excited energy in the air.</p><p>	<i>I have a big family, it’s part of the reason that the holidays mean so much to me. Maybe because it’s the one time of year where I know where I belong. The rest of the time I feel I’m floating around looking for an answer. Maybe it’s because it seems to be the one day everyone belongs. The drunk aunts. The homophobic uncles you want to punch in the face. The cousins you worry are going to turn out just like them. I used to love the idea that once a year no matter what you did, you’d have somewhere to go to. Somewhere to call home no matter how badly you’ve screwed up. If I’m honest, now those Christmases just make me exhausted. Even one day of someone demeaning your existence is too much. Maybe I was secretly a little happy to have this Christmas on my own. Although I would have loved to have my parents here. They’re off on a vacation. They deserve it really. A holiday just for them.</i></p><p>Sirius had never come to a tree lot save for that one year with the Potters. He didn’t have the chance to experience rituals and traditions. Well, the Blacks had traditions of their own but marrying your cousin wasn’t exactly something to look forward to. There was a lot about growing up with the Blacks that he had spent years working to not only fight against but remove the ways that it had been subconsciously engrained of him. One of the easiest pieces to walk away from had been the belief that just because some shared your blood meant that a) you had to love and care for them above all others and b) that no matter how awful they were to you or others you had to stand by them. Sirius knew that family was so much more than that. In reality, family was something you got to choose even if society didn’t see it that way. He always worked hard to pick out the good ones. The same way he was working now to pick out just the right tree. </p><p><i>But I guess, I should stop talking about other people, the question after all was about me. I don’t know if there’s much interesting about me. Brown, curly hair and amber eyes, or at least that’s what my friends tell me. I feel there are so many important things I need to tell you, but I’m scared. Saying the most important things about yourself is so much easier when you’re talking to a stranger. The more we talk, the more you matter to me too, which makes these things harder to say. I just get so scared you’ll turn away. I get so scared everyone will turn away.</i> </p><p>Sirius walked through the rows of perfect trees. Douglas firs. Fraser firs. Other types of pine trees that he had never heard of. But it all felt a little too Hallmark for him, like the curated image on the front of the Christmas card. He pushed his way through the crowds of families with happy toddlers, trying to ignore that familiar pang of “you never got to have this” that was stirring in his chest. There was so much pain, so much that he tried to ignore, so much that he didn’t want to tell notebook boy, he couldn’t bear to hurt him with his hurt. That’s when he found it, a little corner at the back of the lot that felt like it was made for him to stumble across.</p><p><i>Sorry for the cynicism. That’s supposed to be your department. Maybe you’re rubbing off on me too much. Okay, me. I’m odd. My legs grew a little too fast for my body and I’ve always felt a little crooked. I’m gangly and weird, I drown in big knit sweaters, which of course I love to wear, maybe because I’m a little obsessed with the idea of disappearing. I’m also obsessed with the construct of normalcy, the creation and function of it fascinates and befuddles me. I love music, good music that is. The Clash, Ramones, if we’re talking more modern throw in some of The Glorious Sons. I’m shy, but loyal once you get to know me. I’m a sucker for a good underdog story. I believe in second chances, but never thirds, even though I usually end up giving them anyway. I had my first kiss with Dorcas in a game of spin the bottle and we still joke to this day that it was so bad that it turned us both queer. I’m a dog person all the way. I have the spirit of an old man in a youngsters body, though I complain everyday about all my weary aches and pains.</i> </p><p>There, in the back corner, were the trees that weren’t good enough to make it out front. These were trees with character, Sirius thought. Trees that told stories within their branches. Trees that were crooked or gnarled and had rough patches on one side or another. Trees that had seen things, that showed the scars of life. This was the kind of Christmas tree Sirius could get behind. After all, what said Christmas spirit more than taking in those who didn’t have a place to go on the holidays? The associate who helped him seem confused that he would want that kind of tree and tried hard to upsell him, but Sirius held firm, this crooked, lopsided tree was already worming its way into this heart. </p><p>
  <i>And maybe, most importantly, I think I’m falling in love with you.</i>
</p><p>Sirius lugged the tree through the city, starting to understand why notebook boy didn’t want him to use magic after getting sworn at by the third innocent pedestrian he managed to hit. But it was something in the journey, in the struggle and toil that created a bond between him and this tree that made it firmly his. He was practically beaming when he stood it up in the living room. This single beacon of the holiday season in the otherwise bare apartment. </p><p><i>I don’t know if it’s because I’m a half-blood or maybe just because as much as I’ll deny it deep down I’m a romantic at heart, but I have this feeling that the best things in life don’t need magic. That there is something to be said for crafting and toiling at something with your own hands. A cup of tea boiled from a kettle and left to sit until it is just the right temperature tastes so much better than one that you can magic up to be drinkable right away. There is magic in the mundane. I think that’s something they should teach more. I know things have improved in recent years, but I think the wizarding world needs to move beyond this elite belief that they are better than Muggles. I think the Muggle world has something to teach us too.</i> </p><p>Sirius dug out some old electric lights he had strung up in his room years ago. There was only one strand and it didn’t cover the whole tree, but it seemed to shine just as brightly anyway. He wandered around the apartment trying to find bits and bobbles to stick on the tree. A spoon here. A bit of a broken record there. The more he thought about it, the more he realized the collection of things he was putting on the tree were telling his history, showcasing memories and feelings to the world in an eclectic language that only he knew how to translate. This was what the Blacks never understood, that even without magic, Muggles knew how to communicate with one another in their own way. They knew how to make something unique, how to imbue it with a sense of yourself until the thing couldn’t be anything other than yours. They created stories and the wizarding world always forgot the power that narrative held. </p><p><i>You can open your gift now.</i> </p><p>Sirius sat down on the couch and unfolded the wrapping paper to find a series of ornaments inside. There was a candy cane with yellow and black stripes that resembled the toasted marshmallow monstrosity that Sirius had put him through. There was a reindeer, which Sirius knew was meant to symbolize the games that he had managed to survive without injury. There was one of mistletoe which sent a pang to Sirius’ heart that notebook boy had entrusted him with such a tangible reminder of a vulnerable time in his life. There was a gift that Sirius knew was meant to be the first one Sirius had ever held with the words “To our son” on it. There was one of St. Jude and another which bore an Ag and represented the element of silver on the periodic table. And there was a golden snitch, the only one that appeared to be charmed so that its wings would flutter at regular intervals. Sirius smiled thinking of all that had happened between the two of them in the last week. This gentle stranger who was slowly becoming so much more. </p><p><i>These ornaments tell our story, the way the tree you carried will tell our story too. This is what the holidays are all about. Memory. It’s the reason we cling to tradition so desperately, it helps us remember who we are. It reminds us of what we have been through and what we have overcome when we’ve lost all sense of self. It becomes our safe haven in the storm.</i> </p><p>This tree belonged to both of them now. The ornaments Sirius had invented out of random items with the ones notebook boy had clearly picked out with such care. Their plotlines had intertwined now, for better or for worse. Sirius knew from this day forward every Christmas tree would remind him just a little bit of this moment right now. He turned back to the package and picked up the last ornament and standing up on his tippy toes he put it on the top of the tree.</p><p>
  <i>I can’t tell you my name. Even without my last name its too unique, you’d be able to find me right away and I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet. But I’ll give you something else. For now, my mystery writer, you can call me Moony.</i>
</p><p>Sirius stepped back and took in his creation. This perfectly, terrible Christmas tree. And nestled on top of it all was his favourite ornament that notebook boy had gifted him, a shining, shimmering moon.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I promise I'll try to get the next chapter up early today! Thanks again for all the lovely comments!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Fireplace</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Time for a candid fireplace chat...</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“What’s grinding your gears?” Lily asked as she finally decided to abandon her book and got up to put another log on the fire. “Can’t read with you brooding over there. All your anxiety is ruining my mojo.”</p><p>	“It’s the next dare. I don’t think I can do it.”</p><p>	Lily’s brow furrowed as she immediately switched into protective friend mode. “What’s wrong? Is it something dangerous?”</p><p>	“No, it’s just…here,” Remus said and handed her the flyer that had been tucked into the notebook. </p><p>	“Something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue. Come celebrate the first night of Hanukkah with the lighting of the menorah followed by a punk show. Huh, that actually sounds kinda neat, mixing the tradition with the modern. Do you not feel comfortable going because you aren’t Jewish? It says all are welcome right on the flyer.”</p><p>	“No, it’s not any of that. It’s more of the second half that worries me. You know I hate clubbing.”</p><p>	“I know you’ve never been.”</p><p>	Remus gave her a glare that only his closest friends would have understood. “You know what I mean. It’s too crowded and I’ll start to feel claustrophobic. Not to mention drunk people get really forward about my scars, especially if its dark and they can’t see them and then boom strobe light on me and they can’t stop staring. It’ll end in disaster. I just know it will.”</p><p>	“I think you think it will end in disaster. Come on, its one night. I think you can survive one night at a club; you don’t even have to stay that long. After the menorah lighting you can just listen to one song drop the notebook and dash, right?”</p><p>	Remus chewed on his lip as he looked at the fireplace, admiring the way that the flames danced like no one was watching. Fearless, burning anyone who got too close. Remus wished he could live that way, feeding off other’s fuel to burn bright. </p><p>	“Would you cover my scars?”</p><p>	Lily got up abruptly and raised her hands in surrender. “Nope, absolutely not, you know how I feel about that Remus.”</p><p>	“You don’t get it Lils.”</p><p>	“You know how many people want to touch my hair cause they’ve never met a ginger before? You don’t see me bleaching it blonde.”</p><p>	“I just don’t like the way that people stare. It’s worse because they try not to but every time you turn around you can feel their eyes on your back. I just want one night where I don’t have to worry about that.”</p><p>	Lily turned away from him and he knew that she was trying to hide the emotion from her face. She knew that it upset him to see her feeling bad about his lycanthropy. It came from love not pity, but it still made Remus feel wrong.</p><p>	“I’ll let you do my whole face in makeup, eyeliner, mascara whatever you want. You can even pick my outfit too.”</p><p>	Lily kept her back to him, and Remus was trying to read her posture to determine what she was thinking. He knew she was right. He knew he shouldn’t have asked. In school, she’d offered to use her makeup to cover up the worst of the bruising after the full moon so he wouldn’t have to deal with as many glares and questions. He started begging her to cover up the scars too. She did at first, he figured she thought that maybe if he could find his confidence without them, he’d learn to love them in his own time. Instead, it had just made him hate them more. By making himself into something he wasn’t, he began to despise the times he had to face who he really was.</p><p>	The whole thing ended in a disaster. Lily refused to keep helping and Remus had yelled that he’d find someone who would. There was a lot of screaming and hurt feelings which was uncommon from too usually quiet and composed people. It was just that there was so much emotion wrapped up in the whole fight. Lily wanted to help him come to love himself more. Remus had become addicted to the feeling of liking what he saw in the mirror. Of course, he knew now that Lily was right. Whatever he was seeing in the mirror was a facade. It had evolved into an unhealthy desire that almost bordered on obsession. He’d sleep with it on most of the time and only take it off right before Lily put a fresh coat on. It became his war paint, and he didn’t know how to live without it.</p><p>	“Please Lils, just let me be normal for one night.”</p><p>	It was a low blow and Remus felt a flicker of guilt wash over him. He knew Lily still felt bad for the way it had all gone down. It wasn’t right to be dredging that all up now, but Remus would be lying if he didn’t say that he missed the way it made him feel. The way he could walk down the street or hallway without whispers or glares. Normalcy. It was a construct but one that still took up so much weight in the world. One that no matter how hard he tried Remus couldn’t let go of. 	</p><p>	She turned back around to face him. “You’ll wear whatever I pick, no complaints?”</p><p>	“None. I’ll be your puppet for the evening.”</p><p>	“Just this once then, okay Remus?”</p><p>	“Thank you,” Remus said springing up to give her a hug. “You’re the greatest.”</p><p>	“Oh, don’t thank me just yet,” Lily said extracting herself from the hug as she made her way down the hallway. “You coming?” She called when she was about halfway to her room.</p><p>	Remus laughed. “You know it’s not until tomorrow night, right?”</p><p>	“I know, gives me a whole twenty-four to get you to try on outfits for me.”</p><p>	Remus groaned dramatically but it wasn’t heartfelt. He’d let Lily dress him up any day. Besides, even though he knew his mystery writer wouldn’t see him he wanted to impress him. </p><p>	He dragged himself off the couch and went to stoke the fire before following Lily down the hallway. He left the flyer on the table next to the open notebook where the mystery boy had written:</p><p>	<i>I think I’m falling for you too Moony. And if I’m honest that terrifies me. But I’m trying to be brave. Maybe, you can be brave with me? I know it’s scary to let someone else see you, truly see you. So for just one night I want you to set the world ablaze. I want you to go out and be so unapologetically yourself in a room full of strangers. You’re a goddamn wildfire, stop acting like a candle. Write a new chapter of your story, of our story. I’ll even pick up a new ornament to commemorate the occasion. Don’t let your family or anyone else tell you who you get to be. We write our own stories Moons. We make our own magic. I can’t wait to see yours. So what do you say, will you commit metaphorical arson for me?</i></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Menorah Candles</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I can't believe we're a third of the way through the month already - wild. Also, I am not Jewish and in no way am an expert on this holiday. I did a bunch of research on it before writing, but if you have any concerns about my representation feel free to leave a comment or message me on tumblr and I'll be sure to make the appropriate edits.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Oh yes,” Lily said as he stepped out in one of the many outfits, she’d picked for him. “That’s the one.”</p><p>	“You are aware it is winter outside, right?” Remus asked as he tugged at the material. </p><p>	“Ah, you said no complaints that was the deal. Besides you just got to make it from the cab into the building and back. Now sit down and let me do your make-up.”</p><p>	Remus’ outfit was made up of a tight pair of black ripped skinny jeans and a black mesh t-shirt that made him feel even more exposed. It had taken a bit more bartering to convince Lily to cover up the scars of his chest too if this was going to be her outfit of choice. She had paired this with a pair of gold Dr Martens that Remus swore he had never seen in their flat before and her mahogany leather jacket. The jacket was a bit snug on him, but Lily had said it enhanced his muscles, he had laughed that she thought he had any. </p><p>	He fell easily back into the steady rhythm of letting Lily do his makeup. Blinking when she said so or moving his eyes in whatever direction they needed to be. He had always enjoyed this, being able to just let his mind wander and have these quiet moments of peace by himself. </p><p>He had a lot on his mind lately, he felt that he had told his mystery writer so much but yet his response had been one of the shortest yet. Maybe it was because he was scared. Maybe it was because he had admitting that he was falling for him too. The response carried the same bold confidence that Remus had come to love from his mystery writer. This bravery and unrelenting drive that made Remus believe in himself more than he probably had ever before, but he was also starting to wonder if it was just a front. Maybe Remus should have asked him who he was in return, maybe then he would have gotten to peel some of the layers apart and get to know his mystery writer a little better. His fears. His hopes. His dreams. His nightmares.</p><p>	“Okay, I’m all done,” Lily said as she capped the last product she had out. “I’ll give you a minute to finish getting ready and then I want pictures. It isn’t every day your little boy grows up and goes out clubbing.”</p><p>	Remus rolled his eyes but hoped that Lily knew that he was endlessly grateful for her doing this for him. He stood up from the bed and went to examine himself in the mirror. The outfit was a lot, he was showing off a lot more skin than he would usually be comfortable with and the gold docs were amazing, but what he was drawn to was his face. Lily had circled his eyes in black eyeliner that reminded Remus of Billie Joe Armstrong and she’d covered his eyelids in a royal blue eyeshadow that it seemed she’d topped with silver glitter. Remus fluttered his eyes to get a better appreciation of the way that the mascara brought it all together. And of course, there wasn’t a scar in sight. Remus ghosted a hand over his skin worried about smudging and admired the way that Lily had managed to smooth out his face in a way that looked completely normal. He couldn’t tell where his skin stopped, and the makeup began. The final piece of the puzzle was the dark red lipstick that Lily had picked out specifically to match the jacket. Remus couldn’t lie. He looked amazing. In fact, he might be convinced to go as far as saying that he was drop dead gorgeous. He smiled as he gathered up the last couple things he needed and headed out into the kitchen.</p><p>	“Damn, okay, give me a twirl.” Lily told him.</p><p>	Remus obliged laughing as Lily hooted and hollered as he did so. She snapped a few pictures of him in his outfit and then spun her phone around to take a few selfies of the two of them.</p><p>	“Beauty and the beast, eh?”</p><p>	“Yes, I do think I look quite beautiful.” Remus replied earning himself a swat on the arm, but Lily quickly changed her tune. She held Remus still for a moment and looked directly at him. </p><p>“You know you don’t have to do any of this, right? It’s totally up to you what you feel comfortable with. If any of this is too much…”</p><p>	“I’m fine Lils really. You’re both right, I should get out of my comfort zone more. I’m just going to go out and try to have a fun night. Like you said if I’m not enjoying it, I can drop the notebook after the first song and leave.”</p><p>	“Okay,” she said and seemed to pause for a moment before bouncing back into her former jovial self. “Now hurry up you’re going to be late.”</p><p> </p><p>	Remus got out the cab to find a small bakery with a rickety set of stairs that seemed to head into the basement. He presented the scrawny punk who was standing guard with the flyer that he had been left and was met with a nod which Remus took as permission to enter. </p><p>	The basement was relatively plain. It had concrete floors and the walls seemed to be covered in decades worth of Sharpie graffiti. Large pillars that all seemed to be slightly crooked were spaced around the room and had been wrapped in blue and gold. There appeared to be a makeshift bar to one side and a stage front and centre completed with the speakers, instruments, and the criss crossing mess of wires one could expect from a live show. </p><p>	Most of the people who were there were dressed similarly to Remus and while the basement was small and crowded, for now most of the people were just milling around and talking to one another. </p><p>	“Alright, listen up folks,” someone called from the front of the room and Remus looked up to see a skinny man dressed completely in black. Remus lost count of the number of piercings he had around ten and his hair was dyed electric green. </p><p>	“Happy Hanukkah to you and yours,” he told the room and people murmured their response. “For those gentiles in the audience or those who haven’t had the opportunity to celebrate, Hanukkah is a story about battling oppression, staying true to yourself, and having faith even when things seem dark.”</p><p>	He then went on to tell the history of Hanukkah, of how the Maccabees had fought and won back the right to practice their religion after being persecuted. How they had found their temple ruined and as they worked to clean up the building came across a small container of oil that hadn’t been destroy. How by a miracle that oil that should have only lasted them a day somehow managed to last eight days and eight nights. </p><p>	Remus glanced around the room as the man lifted the shamash to light the first candle. It felt odd practicing a religious ceremony being dressed as he was. But one look reminded him he was in a room full of people with all natures of looks, clothing, tattoos and piercings. He was starting to understand that maybe that was what this holiday was all about. About honouring who you were and your history and celebrating that regardless of who tells you can or can’t.</p><p>“Once the menorah has been lit, we place it in the window.” He said as he picked up the menorah and carefully walked it over to where a ladder had been set up so he could get up to the only windows in the basement. “It’s a way of showing our pride for our identity. In Hebrew, we call is pirsuma d’nina or publicizing the miracle. It’s a way of honouring who we are, of saying that we are still here, and we have a light we bring to this world. Hanukkah is not only about remembering our history but also recognizing who we are now.”</p><p>Remus thought of how desperate he had been to get Lily to cover up his scars and felt guilty to be standing amongst people who were so proud of their history, so proud of the battles they had faced and overcome, and here Remus couldn’t even face himself. </p><p>He was interrupted by the man who had now made his way back down into the crowd. He promptly clapped his hands together and called out, “Let’s celebrate!”</p><p>He then leapt up on stage and picked up the microphone, a few other people took to the stage with him and it wasn’t long before the crowd was cheering and dancing along with the bass and energy of the punk music that was filling the air. People started dancing and singing along and Remus was too overwhelmed by the sudden change in tempo. The crowd that had been still only moments before was now a raging sea of movement and Remus felt himself getting jostled this way and that. His heart started beating faster and he could feel the anxiety starting to crawl under his skin. </p><p>He caught sight of the bathroom in the back corner and made a beeline too it, sneaking ahead of the line to slip in after the person who was leaving. </p><p>Remus rested his hands on either side of the sink and took in deep ragged breaths before looking up into the mirror. He tried to remember how he had felt just hours before standing at home, the confidence that had filled up his body and made him feel warm and sure. Tried to remember the way the make-up always seemed to transform him into a better stronger version of himself. But right now, he just felt tired. </p><p>That was when he saw it, buried amongst the graffiti that coated the bathroom walls and had worked its way onto the mirror was a message that Remus knew was meant for him. Scrawled in red marker were the following words:</p><p>
  <i>Get back out there Moony</i>
</p><p>Remus smiled and tugged out a felt tip pen from his bag and added his own response. He then took one more breath in and stepped back out in the chaos of the club. He thought about everything the man had said about this holiday. He thought about everything he knew about punk music. The way it exists as an unapologetic fuck you to the world. Punk challenged. It didn’t ask for permission and it never backed down. Punk didn’t ask to be heard. It demanded that you listened to it. </p><p>Maybe tonight, just for once, Remus could demand to be heard too. So, he let himself get swept up onto the dance floor, he let the Hebrew lyrics and loud guitar wash over him as he let himself go. He didn’t really know how to dance so he just moved, twisted, and grinded in whatever way felt right. Suddenly, that confidence came washing back. Tonight, he didn’t have to be Remus Lupin, scared werewolf and half-blood. Tonight, he could be Moony, he could be brave and bold and courageous. He could be the person he had always dreamed of becoming. </p><p>He found himself finding others at the outskirts of the dance floor and dragging them into the middle with him, before long a dance circle had formed in front of the stage and everyone was taking turns shoving their friends into the centre of it. It didn’t matter if you could dance, you could do the mostly ridiculous move known to man, bust out some dad dance move or simply spin in circles until someone yanked you out of the middle. As long as you were dancing, that was enough, the crowd would cheer for you with a veracity that felt like family and the band cranked their amps to be heard over the din. </p><p>Remus was laughing and smiling as he was dragged into hoedown spins or conga lines. He hadn’t had a sip of alcohol but for once he was content on getting drunk on life. On just feeling every fibre of his being, on not worrying about what could or might happen and instead just living and refusing to hide anymore. </p><p>As Remus let go of the person whose arm, he was linked to, he found himself teetering for a moment before a set of hands reached up to steady him. </p><p>“Thank you,” Remus said turning to meet his saviour, but the rest of the words died in his throat. For standing in front of him was Caradoc Dearborn and suddenly Remus wasn’t in a club anymore. Suddenly Remus was that hopeful teenager again and Caradoc was under the mistletoe with the wrong person. </p><p>“Remus?” He asked. “I thought it was you, but with the way you were dancing out on the dance floor. Well, let’s just say the Remus I knew would never do that.”</p><p>He was right. The Remus he knew wouldn’t do this. What was Remus thinking trying to be someone he wasn’t? A light flashed over them and Remus watched a startled look pass over Caradoc’s features.</p><p>“Your face,” he said reaching out to brush a hand over Remus’ cheek and he pulled back. Remembering how they had been friends once, before Lily, before Dorcas. Once, Caradoc had been all Remus had. Once, Caradoc had been the only person who didn’t run at the sight of him.</p><p>“It’s just makeup, just didn’t want people staring.”</p><p>“Well people are going to stare if you’re going to dance like that.”</p><p>“What’s that supposed to mean?”</p><p>“It’s just, you look amazing out there.” He blushed and looked down at the ground. “You always look amazing.”</p><p>And just like that Remus’ stubborn heart was set a flutter. This was exactly the kind of thing he always said to him. The kind of thing that had given him hope, made him believe that they had a chance, but no. It was all just some elaborate game. All things that Remus projected onto him because he wanted to see it, right?</p><p>“Look, could we, could we maybe talk? Doesn’t have to be right now but sometime? It’s just, you meant a lot to me, and I don’t know what happened, I mean, I do know what happened but-“ He tugged on his hair anxiously. A tick Remus remembered from late night study sessions or stealing glances at his back during exams. “Shit, I’m sorry. I’m awful at this. I didn’t think I’d see you here, hell, I didn’t know if I’d ever see you again. It’s just I was so scared Remus, and I did something stupid, I know you saw me under the mistletoe that night. I think I wanted you to, so that way I wouldn’t have to face what was happening between us. I just never thought it would mean that I would lose you.”</p><p>The world was spinning. Remus was hearing everything that he was saying without truly processing it. All the sudden the club was a matchbox and Remus was a mouse. Everything was too small, and the walls were closing in. The air felt stale and suffocating. Remus no longer knew what Caradoc was saying, all he knew was that he needed to get out of there now.</p><p>He turned to go and Caradoc grabbed his arm again. “Remus please,” he said looking at him with his chocolate eyes. Those eyes that Remus would have done anything for. </p><p>“I…I have to go,” Remus said, aware that tears were now streaming down his face. He didn’t even know why, it happened years ago, it shouldn’t matter but it did. And now Caradoc was here, he was here, and he was telling Remus he knew why he had been hurting and he had still walked away. It was all too much. </p><p>Caradoc seemed to understand and stepped back at the same time Remus went to pull himself free. He was running up the steps in the next instant and was almost there when one of his shoelaces got snagged in the handrail. He reached down to tug it loose but only ended up getting it more tangled. Upset and hurting he sat down on the cold, icy steps and tugged the shoe off before sprinting to the top of the stairs whereby some Hanukkah miracle a cab was waiting for him. He stumbled into the backseat and mumbled his address before rubbing snot on the back of Lily’s jacket, no longer caring if he smudged his makeup.</p><p>Because it didn’t matter now. Because Caradoc was there, and he saw through Remus. He knew that Remus didn’t belong, that he was playing a part. Remus didn’t know why he ever let himself believe it could be any other way. He didn’t belong there, he couldn’t, not even for a night.</p><p>He was in Lily’s arms the second the door opened, and she was so worried about him that she didn’t even care about the missing shoe. She just held him as he cried and helped him get undressed as she worked on taking his make-up off. She knew that he just wanted to sleep but had a feeling it would be worse if he woke up in the morning to find himself in the same clothes. That it would be just another punch in the chest, another reminder of whatever happened. She rubbed circles on his back and wrapped herself around his body so that he would know he was not alone. She didn’t leave until she heard his breathing finally slow and she knew he was asleep. </p><p>She headed to the phone to call Dorcas, hoping for some backup for when Remus got up in the morning. They had been friends for forever, her and Remus. They had been through loss and breakups. Bad tests and that phase when a particularly bad blackhead felt like the end of the world. They had watched each other grow and evolve and become better people. She knew she’d be by his side through it all, but this, she’d never get used to seeing him like this. And she’d be lying if she said her heart wasn’t breaking right now too. </p><p>There were chocolate chip pancakes cooking in the kitchen when Remus woke up the next day. It only took a moment for it to all coming flooding back, that and the horrifying realization that he forgot to leave the notebook behind.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>AH! So much happened in this chapter. I really just want to crawl into the story and give Remus a hug.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Gingerbread</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Another long one for you today folks! After all, we got a lot to unpack after that last chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The chocolate pancakes didn’t serve to lighten the mood as Remus managed to stumble about two steps into the kitchen before blurting out, “I didn’t even leave the notebook” and promptly devolving back into tears again. Lily and Dorcas shot each other a quick worried look before they were at his side saying anything they could think of to cheer him up. </p><p>	Over breakfast, they managed to get the full story out of Remus in bits and pieces. </p><p>	“Caradoc showed up? I could have sworn him, and his family moved away.”</p><p>	“Me too,” Remus said as he pushed his pancakes around on his plate. He dropped his head into his hands and sighed deeply before mumbling out the next part. “He told me I looked gorgeous on the dance floor and then practically admitting to liking me and only kissing that girl because he was scared, and he said he was sorry and he wanted to talk to me and I just fucking panicked and bolted.”</p><p>	“Holy fuck,” Dorcas added. “He liked you?”</p><p>	“Somehow it makes it all worse because it means I was right, and he did know what was going on between us but also I can’t get mad at him because he was scared of sorting out his own sexuality. But ugh, it was ten bloody years ago, why the fuck should it even matter?”</p><p>	An eerie silence fell over the table and it was Lily who finally worked up the courage to break it.</p><p>	“Rems, is that what you’re really upset about?”</p><p>	Remus looked at Lily and then turned his attention back to drowning his pancake pieces in syrup until they dissolved into mush. </p><p>	“When Caradoc saw me, he knew. He knew that I had make-up on and that being out on the dance floor wasn’t me. I’d been having fun, letting loose just enjoying being a stranger. Then he was there, and I felt like a fake, like I’d been caught somewhere I shouldn’t have been.”</p><p>	Lily and Dorcas exchanged another look, but this time it was one in hopes that the other would know the right thing to say. But there was nothing they could do. You can tell the people you love over and over again how much they are worth and how much they deserve to love themselves. But it won’t change how they see themselves if they aren’t ready to hear it.</p><p>	“God, I’m such an idiot. Probably looked like a complete fool. And Lils I lost your shoe.”</p><p>	She waved a hand aside, “Don’t worry about it. I thrifted them anyways.”</p><p>	“You thrifted docs?” Dorcas asked with a look of awe on her face. “You’re my hero.”</p><p>	“The worst part is I forgot to leave the notebook,” Remus said bringing the mood of the table back down. “As if he would want anything to do with me anyways.”</p><p>	Lily went to say something but before she could Remus was pushing his chair up and leaving the kitchen table.</p><p>	“I’m going to go back to bed,” he said as he stopped by the cupboard and reached into the back shelf to tug out the box of gingerbread. Lily and Dorcas exchanged another nervous look. “Thanks for breakfast you two. Sorry to ruin your morning.”</p><p>	And with that he headed off down the hallway and kicked the door shut behind him. They heard a dull thud as he collapsed back onto his mattress.</p><p> </p><p>	Sirius had an extra bounce in his step as he made his way to the little club to pick up the notebook. He knew the band who had being playing last night. They had met an indie punk show and became good friends after that. They were more than happy to keep an eye out for the notebook when Sirius asked. </p><p>	“Good morning,” Sirius asked as he stumbled into the dark basement, cups of coffee in hand.</p><p>	“Bless your heart,” the lead singer Mitch said as he took one of cups from the travel tray. “I haven’t had a wink of sleep yet, been here all night trying to clean up the place.”</p><p>	“Good show?”</p><p>	“Excellent, the crowd really got into, thanks in part to your friend.”</p><p>	“So, he came?”</p><p> “Yep, caught a glimpse of that red notebook in his bag. Had some killer gold docs on too.”</p><p>“Awesome, so you got the notebook for me then?”</p><p>“Nah mate, he was tearing up on the dance floor one second, then the next thing I knew he was sprinting out the door. Don’t know what happened.”</p><p>An icy chill ran through Sirius veins, something in him knew there was something wrong. What reason would Moony have for running off like that? Did Sirius push him too hard?</p><p>“Mind if I look around, see if he dropped it anywhere?”</p><p>“Be my guest.” Mitch told him and turned his attention back to untangling the wire disaster that lay at his feet.</p><p>It was silly since most of the club was open dance floor, there wasn’t many places you could stuff a notebook. He took a quick glance around the bar before heading towards the bathroom. He doubted Moony had left it there, but he might have left a note to where he could find it. </p><p>There on the mirror was the note that Sirius had left him and scrawled below in familiar handwriting were the words:</p><p>
  <i>But I’m scared.</i>
</p><p>That’s when Sirius really knew he messed up. He’d gone too far, pushing him out of his comfort zone was one thing but scaring him into doing something he wasn’t comfortable with was another. </p><p>“Find it?” Mitch asked as Sirius made his way back to the main room.</p><p>“No, listen you can’t remember anything else about him. Any specific traits that might help me find him?”</p><p>“Sorry, it was packed last night. After a while the sea of punks just looks like a black smudge.”</p><p>“Okay, thanks anyways. Oh, and happy Hanukkah!”</p><p>“Thanks, and thanks for the coffee you’re a really life saver.”</p><p>Hundreds of thoughts were racing through Sirius head as he hurried out of the club. He was so buried in his own panic that he tripped over something and managed to catch himself just before smashing his chin on the concrete steps. He turned back to see what the offending item was and was met with a golden Doc Marten. The shoelace tangled in the railing. The pieces clicked together in his head. Moony had been wearing gold docs, he’d left in a tizzy, his shoe must have gotten caught and instead of fighting with it he’d left it here. He must have been really upset to keep going into the cold winter with one socked foot. Unless this was a clue? No, something in Sirius’ gut told him that this wasn’t right. And he knew where he needed to go for answers.</p><p> </p><p>	He knocked loudly on the steel door, but the second Dorcas opened it and saw who it was she went to shut the door in his face.</p><p>	“Wait,” Sirius said, sticking his foot in the door so she couldn’t get it shut all the way. “Please, I don’t know what happened, but he didn’t leave the notebook last night and I think I might have found his shoe. I just want to make sure he’s okay.”</p><p>	She glared at him a bit before finally relenting and leaving the door open as she made her way back to sit on her stool.</p><p>	“Told you that you couldn’t promise you wouldn’t hurt him.”</p><p>	“Please, I don’t even know what happened. My friends said they saw him run out last night.”</p><p>	“You don’t get to play your little games with him. You forget there’s a real person on the other side of the notebook and you pushed him too far.”</p><p>	“Is he okay?”</p><p>	“He’s a mess. I was over there all morning. Lily can barely get him out of bed, and he’s gone full gingerbread mode.”</p><p>	“Gingerbread mode?”</p><p>	“He doesn’t normally like eating gingerbread. Feels too bad amputating people’s limbs or beheading them. Except for when he’s mad, then he takes all his anger out on all the gingerbread people he can find.”</p><p>	Of course, Moony would be the type of person who would care about hurting an inanimate cookie’s feelings. </p><p>	Sirius sighed and tugged a hand through his hair. “If I made him something, would you bring it to him?”</p><p>	Dorcas stared at him, that same way she had the first time, and it was just as unsettling then as it was now. The feeling of being dissected and having all your darker thoughts exposed.</p><p>	“Please, I swear I didn’t think anything would happen, I thought he’d have fun last night but clearly I messed something up. I want to fix this. It’s my fault, please let me try and make this right.”</p><p>	She stared for a moment longer before speaking. “I’ll consider it. I’m here until five tonight, you can drop off whatever you want me to give him any time before then.”</p><p>	“Thank you, Dorcas, really you won’t regret it.”</p><p>	“Oh I better not or you’ll be the one with someone to regret,” she said as she turned back to her work as if she hadn’t just left the most ominous threat hanging out in the open.</p><p> </p><p>	Sirius phone started ringing while he buried deep in cookie batter that looked more like oobleck than anything remotely edible. He managed to pick up the call with his pinky and used his elbow to prop up the phone so he could see James better.</p><p>	“Hey you absolute dolt are you n- OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HANDS?”</p><p>	Sirius scrunched up his brow in frustration. “I’m baking. And hello to you too James.”</p><p>	“Baking? You? Dear lord has it really been that awful being by yourself?”</p><p>	“It’s a long story.”</p><p>“Well lucky for you the weather is shit today and the ski hills are closed so I got nothing else to do. Hit me with it.”</p><p>So, Sirius did, after using paper towel to get the mess off of his hands, he promptly flopped himself over the couch and told James the whole story. How he stumbled across the notebook, the dares they’d been sending each other, the Christmas tree that was now the sole decoration in the apartment, the way that Sirius was starting to catch real feelings for him, and how now he was sure he’d gone and fucked it all up.</p><p>“His friend told me he eats gingerbread people when he was upset. I wanted to bake him some but it turns out I’m right shit at baking.”</p><p>“Damn, I go away for a holiday and you decide to suddenly get interesting.” </p><p>“I’m hanging up now.”</p><p>“No wait!” James said scrambling up from where he was sitting as if he thought that would stop Sirius from hanging up the phone hundreds of miles away. “I’m actually really excited for you mate. I mean you do realize you just chatted about this Moony for over half an hour. I don’t think I’ve seen you this happy talking about someone in – well, maybe ever.”</p><p>“I really like him James, and I know that’s crazy cause we’ve never met but he’s soft and sweet and he’s way too hard on himself but he’s also so considerate of others. He just makes me feel warm. It’s like he’s a piece of myself I never knew I was missing.”</p><p>“Can I give you some advice?”</p><p>Sirius shrugged in a way that meant he knew he didn’t really have a choice in the matter.</p><p>“Sounds to me like he’s opened up a lot to you, but I haven’t heard much about you telling him about yourself in return. I don’t know if it’s something to do with your family or whatever, but you tend to get guarded around people, especially ones you care about. I think you believe if you put up these walls it will hurt less when people leave you. Not trying to psychoanalyze you or anything just telling you how I see it.”</p><p>Sirius’ jaw hung open a bit. This was the same James who had once coated every quill in itching powder right before a final exam. “Since when did you go and get so grown up on me?”</p><p>“About the time I got a little brother who needed advice.”</p><p>“Oh, sod off, you’re only a few months older than me.”</p><p>“And it makes all the difference.”</p><p>Sirius groaned as he looked up at the mess that his disastrous attempt at baking had caused. “I really want him to give me a second chance, but he won’t do that if I poison him.”</p><p>James fidgeted with his glasses a bit, the way he did when he was plotting. “Give me a minute,” he said before disappearing off camera. There was some mumbling in the background and a few moment later Euphemia’s face lit up the screen. </p><p>“Hi love, your brother tells me you need some help baking cookies?”</p><p>“Yes, please. Thanks mum.”</p><p>“Lovely, let’s get to work then. The first thing you’ll need is…”</p><p> </p><p>“Any improvement?” Dorcas asked as she stepped in through the front door and Lily took her jacket. </p><p>“I think we can effectively call this a gingerbread genocide.”</p><p>“That bad, huh? Should I give him this then?” She asked as she reached into her bag and produced a familiar golden shoe. It was stuffed to the brim with what looked like gingerbread cookies.</p><p>“Where’d you get that from?” Lily asked. </p><p>“A certain friend of ours came by to see me. He seemed really torn up about the whole thing. I think he’s worried he pushed Remus too far and wanted to make up for it.”</p><p>Lily chewed on her bottom lip, “Do you think we should give it to him?”</p><p>“I think it should be Remus’ choice whether he wants to keep pursuing this. I hate seeing him upset but I also know I haven’t seen him this happy in years. He was practically floating when he asked me to help out.”</p><p>Lily nodded her head in agreement. “And you’re sure he seemed genuine in his apology? </p><p>“Yes, and I made it quite clear what the consequences would be if he wasn’t.”</p><p>“Alright, we’ll let’s go see if this will cheer him up then.”</p><p>	Lily knocked lightly on Remus’ bedroom door before slowly pushing it open. The curtains were drawn, and the room looked dark and dreary. Remus was curled up in his bed bundled in blankets. He hated spending too long in bed, even after the full he was always itching to be allowed to get up and move around. She didn’t like this Remus that stayed here by choice.</p><p>	“I’ve got something for you Remus,” Dorcas said and waited for him to roll over so that he could see them better. “Look familiar?” She said as she held up the golden shoe. </p><p> Remus bolted upright. “Where did you get that from?”</p><p>	“A certain someone may have come and dropped it off to me.”</p><p>	Remus took it from her hands and she watched the beginnings of a smile form on his face as he tugged the large bag of gingerbread out of the boot, causing a piece of paper to come fluttering out with it.</p><p>	“How?” Remus asked, looking like he was convinced he was dreaming.</p><p>	“I guess he went to the club and saw you didn’t leave the notebook. Found the boot and figured you got spooked. He really just wanted to make sure that you were okay. I think he still wants to talk with you, keep the notebook going.” Dorcas told him.</p><p>	“He does?” Remus said more to himself than anyone else.</p><p>	“Come on,” Lily said tugging gently on Dorcas’ arm as she made her way to the door. “Let’s leave the two of them alone for a bit.”</p><p>	After they had left and shut the door behind them, Remus opened the bag of gingerbread and tugged out a cookie. They were a bit burnt but other than that they tasted pretty good. Then as he ate, he opened the letter and started to read.</p><p>	<i>Hi Moony,</i></p><p>	<i>I’d like to start off for apologizing for my baking skills. My mum had to help me with them after the first batch turned into glue. They probably won’t be as good as hers, but I hope they are at least edible. Someone told me you like to eat gingerbread when you’re upset.</i> </p><p>	<i>I’m sorry about the club Moony, my friend said he saw you run out and then with the boot… I figured it must have not ended well if you were willing to leave a boot behind in the middle of winter just to get away from that place.</i> </p><p>	<i>Then I saw your message on the mirror and I realized that maybe I pushed too hard. People like to push us out of our comfort zones and tell us that we need to be brave and change our lives but at the end of the day I think it’s okay to stay in your comfort zone for some things. If you have a fear of heights, you shouldn’t push yourself to go skydiving. I didn’t mean to make you scared Moony, and I’m sorry you felt that way alone in a crowd of people. It must have been awful.</i></p><p>	Except it wasn’t. It was great until Caradoc was there and then all those fears that had driven him out of the crowd into the bathroom came rushing back at once.</p><p>	<i>I don’t know if you forgot to leave the notebook on accident or on purpose. I’ll hope it’s the former, but I understand if you don’t want to do this anymore. It’s your choice if you want to keep going. But I will say this, talking to you is the happiest I have felt in a long time. I don’t say that to make you feel bad if you choose you don’t want this anymore. I say that to let you know that I do, still want this that is. If you need some time, I understand but I’d still love to hear from you.</i></p><p>	<i>With that being said I know you’ve given me a lot more than I’ve given you. With the way my biological family was… well let’s just say I’m always preparing myself for someone to leave or let me down before they even say hello. So, it’s easier to not tell them all of me, to not get too attached. But that’s not fair Moony. It’s not fair to me and it’s definitely not fair to you. So, let me answer a question of my own. Who am I?</i></p><p>	<i>I come from a long line of a prestigious and traditional family which is just a nice way of saying they were a bunch of bigots. Things at home were really difficult and that’s why I eventually left to go and live with my friend. Family is complicated to me. As much as I know, it should be out with the bio family and in with the new there are things that I struggle to let go of. I have a brother. I think about him a lot. Especially with all this Muggle stuff, I think about all the things he’d love to do if he’d only be given the chance. Some days I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve left him behind.</i> </p><p>	<i>I’m a bit of a prankster and got my best mate and I into a ton of trouble in school. We made more than a few teachers and students cry. I still look back fondly on most of them, but other times I wonder if we were a bit too harsh.</i> </p><p>	<i>I’m loyal because I know what it means to be left behind. I am very much a dog person. In fact, I’ve been told I’m a bit like a dog with a bone once I get an idea in my head. I love people and music and being out at parties, but if I’m honest sometimes I think I just like the noise so I don’t have to listen to what’s rattling around inside my head. Some days it’s easier to run from all the pain in my past than to face it. Sometimes I’m too tired of trying to heal from it all, trying to undo everything they did to me.</i></p><p>	<i>If it wasn’t clear from the traditional bigots part of this letter, my family is pure-blooded and were very actively anti-anything Muggle. Even though schools are getting better at blending that line between the Muggle and magical worlds, there was so much I didn’t know. I don’t want to be like my parents, but I know I still have a lot to learn. But with that being said there are so many things about the Muggle world that are so easy to fall in love with. Cellphones for one are an absolutely wonder, I’m still not convinced that there was no magic involved in the making of them. Fountain pens are bloody brilliant. But I think at its heart I love the Muggle understanding that sometimes the little things are what matter most. Taking time out of your day to clean up for someone opposed to just spelling it tidy. Getting up to tend to the fire and keep it burning. Baking cookies for someone with your own two hands in hopes that they’ll forgive you.</i> </p><p>	<i>I’m not ready to tell you my name yet. Mostly because my family was so wrapped up in scandal. I want you to get to know me before you know where I come from. But you’ve given me a name to call you by, so I’ll give you one for me too. You can call me Padfoot.</i> </p><p>	<i>If you want to forgive me, drop the notebook off at The Gryphon pub. If not, know I’ll be heartbroken, but I’ll understand and respect your decision. I wish I could have seen you dancing out there Moony, even if only for a moment. I’m sure you looked beautiful.</i></p><p>	<i>Yours,<br/>
Padfoot</i></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I will never grow tired of coming up with other ways for the Marauders to use their nicknames.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Hats and Mitts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Remus sat with his knitting group, it had been a few days since the whole debacle and his stomach ached slightly from all the gingerbread he had eaten. He was exhausted and had dark bags under his eyes from staying up late every night reading that letter over and over again as if the answer to what he should do next could be found in the spaces between Padfoot’s words. </p><p>	“Something on your mind Remus?” Carol asked. Everyone in this knitting group was easily forty to fifty years older than Remus, but he’d always felt more at home among the elderly. They seemed to understand better the importance of quiet and knew something about peace that many others failed to comprehend. But of course, they were more than happy to nosily implore on Remus’ love life.</p><p>	“Or someone?” Darryl added helpfully. </p><p>	“Just tired.” Remus replied.</p><p>	“Honey, you’ve been on that last row for the past twenty minutes. Tell Auntie Carol what’s going on.” Carol added. </p><p>	Remus sighed heavily. She was right. He should be almost finished the hat he was working on by now. “There’s someone I think I might really like. Someone I really care for, but I’m scared. I don’t know if it's worth putting myself out there to get hurt again.”</p><p>	Dorothy leaned forward on the table in a way that made her look like a fifteen-year-old girl. “Ooo, tell us more darling. What’s he like?”</p><p>	“Well, he’s kind and really sweet. He’s really flirty and always knows just what to say to make me blush. He’s really protective and he always wants to make sure that I’m okay. He baked me a bunch of cookies and wrote me a really sweet letter to apologize for something that wasn’t even his fault. And…”</p><p>	“And…” Dorothy echoed. </p><p>	“And I think he might be just as scared as I am.”</p><p>	There was a collective conspiratorial look passed around the table. </p><p>	“What?” Remus said. When these looks that spoke volumes were passed, Remus really felt his age in the group. </p><p>	“Did you not hear yourself right then?” Carol asked, waving a knitting needle at him like it was a sword. </p><p>	Remus looked at her confused and she rolled her eyes before turning her attention back to the socks she was working on.</p><p>	“John? You want to take a stab at this one?” She asked. </p><p>	John set down his knitting and looked right at Remus, which made him know that whatever he was going to say was serious. Most of the banter and conversation that happened at these sessions occurred with them never looking up. </p><p>	“There are two kinds of fear when it comes to love, Remus. There’s the bad kind, the kind that works like a sickness and makes you scared of the person you’re with. And then there’s the good kind. The kind that lets you know you got something because you are so terrified to lose it. That to have to let it go would be like living a waking nightmare. That’s how I felt when I found my Timothy. I would have handcuffed him to the kitchen table if it meant that I knew he would stay. I don’t think you’re scared of this boy, Remus. I think you’re scared that you might already been in too deep and that leaving him now would suck all the oxygen out of your chest.”</p><p>	Remus sat there dumbfounded as John patted his husband Timothy’s hand gently before picking up his knitting and getting back to work as if he hadn’t just completely shaken Remus’ world. </p><p>	“Well?” Carol said to him.</p><p>	“Hmm?” Remus asked coming back to reality.</p><p>	“What are you still doing here?”</p><p>	“What do you mean?”</p><p>	“Oh come off it, you ain’t gonna tell me that John wasn’t right. So, what are you still doing here? Go and tell him, when you get old like us you understand there’s no use waiting. That hat will still be waiting for you an hour from now. But will he?”</p><p>	“Right,” Remus said and suddenly it seemed like the easiest decision in the world. He started stuffing his supplies back into his bag as he hurried to leave. </p><p>	“Here,” John said stopping him and reaching into his bag. “Take these, Timothy and I each made one. Tell him they’re imbued with the luck of forty years being chained to the only person I’d gladly get run over by a freight train for.” He held out a pair of beautiful knitted mittens. One was done with orange, blue, and yellow yarn and the other was done in a vibrant green, red, and white. They were different but somehow made the perfect pair. The same way Timothy and John did.</p><p>	“Thank you,” Remus said as he tucked them into his bag and then turned to leave.</p><p>	“Give him a kiss for me!” Dorothy yelled just before he was out the door and Remus shook his head and smiled. </p><p>	Remus stopped at home quickly, so he’d have somewhere quiet to write his response in the notebook before heading to The Gryphon. He flagged down the bartender and handed her the mitts and the notebook which he had helpfully tied together. The bartender gave him a nod and a smile and Remus assumed she must be one of Padfoot’s friends. He was about to turn and leave when he heard a familiar voice call his name.</p><p>	“Remus?”</p><p>	He turned to see Caradoc sitting at the bar. He raised his hands in mock surrender.</p><p>	“I swear I’m not stalking you. I just came in for a pint.”</p><p>	“I thought you and your family moved.”</p><p>	He saw a flash of hurt run through Caradoc eyes and immediately regretted saying it. “We did, but then they wanted my dad back in the city, closer to the Ministry and all that. So, I’m home for the holidays.”</p><p>	“Ah,” Remus said. Not really sure what else he was supposed to say.</p><p>	“Look, I just wanted to apologize for the other night. I didn’t mean to startle you. But I meant what I said. When you pulled away from our friendship, I… I missed you. And I know I screwed things up, but I wondered if maybe you’d give me another chance. It doesn’t have to be anything more than just catching up as old friends if that’s all you're comfortable with. I’d just really like to see you again.”</p><p>	“I’m sorry for running out,” Remus said shifting nervously now from one foot to the other. “It was just a lot at once and I wasn’t expecting to see you there.”</p><p>	Caradoc nodded as he stared into his pint as if it could allow him to travel back in time and undo what he had done. </p><p>	“How about this? I’ll give you my number. No pressure or anything, but if you decide you want to reach out, I’d be happy to hear from you. Okay?”</p><p>	Remus nodded and watched as Caradoc patted down his pockets looking for something to write with. Remus reached into his own jacket and handed Caradoc a pen.</p><p>	“I could always count on you Remus.” Caradoc said as his hand lingered a little too long before taking the pen from Remus. He scribbled down his number on a cocktail napkin and handed it and the pen back to Remus. “Merry Christmas Remus.”</p><p>	“Happy Hanukkah Caradoc.”</p><p>	Caradoc smiled at Remus in a way that said, “You remembered” and then Remus turned and headed out of the pub. </p><p> </p><p>	Sirius stomped his boots off as he made his way into The Gryphon. He sat down at the bar and smiled at his cousin. First cousin once removed if he had to be specific, but either way she was one of the few members of his family he didn’t despise.</p><p>	“Hi Nymphadora.”</p><p>	She wrinkled her nose at him. “You know I hate it when you call me that.”</p><p>	“Precisely why I do it. You got anything for me?” Sirius said as he tried to remove the nerves from his voice. It had been a few days, and still nothing had shown up from Moony.</p><p>	“Yes,” she said reaching under the bar and handing him the notebook. “You’ll tall, dark stranger left just a little while ago.”</p><p>	Sirius smiled and tried not to jump across the bar to take it out of her hands. He tugged the twine off the notebook and held up the two mismatched mittens. He gave Tonks an inquisitive look and she just shrugged before turning back to her bartending duties. </p><p>	Sirius flipped open the notebook and started to read:</p><p>	<i>Hi Padfoot,</i></p><p>	<i>It’s lovely to meet you.</i> </p><p>	<i>I forgot to leave the notebook by accident. I was having a really nice night actually but then something happened… I’ll tell you all about soon, I promise but I’m still muddling through some of it right now. Know I’m not mad at you, if I’m mad at anyone it’s myself for being so foolish to think I could pretend to be someone else for a night. But like I said, a story for another time.</i> </p><p>	<i>For now, I want to say that I forgive you, even if there is really nothing to forgive. I can’t believe you went through all that effort to rescue my shoe and get it back to me. I don’t even know how you knew it was mine. I guess you really are my magical prince charming, aren’t you?</i></p><p>	<i>I thank you for being so honest with me. I get it. I’m scared too. Scared of getting hurt. Scared of hurting you. But more than anything I’m scared of losing this. A friend gave me some good advice today. He told me there’s two kinds of fear with love. A fear of the person you’re in love with and a fear of losing them. I don’t want to lose you Padfoot. I don’t know anyone so kind and caring that they would have gone through the effort to bake me gingerbread cookies to cheer me up. They were delicious by the way.</i> </p><p>	<i>I’m sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I think I still don’t believe that you’re real. That I could deserve to have this wonderful love story with someone like you. Someone who fights so ardently for what he believes in and the people he loves. But I know now I was just afraid of what I was feeling, but that fear is nothing compared to when I think about what I would feel if you never wrote to me again.</i> </p><p>	<i>My friend was also kind enough to give me these mittens. Him and his husband each knitted one. It’s why they’re unique but still two halves of a whole. Maybe a bit like us, yes? The miser and the holiday elf? He told me to say they’re imbued with the luck of forty years being chained to the only person he’d gladly get run over by a freight train for. They’re quite the couple, I think you’d liked them. Maybe I’ll knit you a hat to match the mittens.</i></p><p>	<i>I guess the ball, or should I say the snitch, is in your court now. What crazy holiday thing would you have me do next?</i></p><p>	<i>Your Moony</i></p><p>	“Sirius?” A voice said, startling Sirius who slammed the notebook shut quickly like a kid who’d just been caught doing something he shouldn’t. </p><p>	He turned to face the source of the voice and squinted for a moment before his eyes widened in recognition. “Caradoc? Wow, hey, I didn’t know you were back in town.”</p><p>	“Yeah,” he said pulling Sirius in for a hug. “Just in town for the holidays, my parents moved back here.”</p><p>	“Right, sorry I didn’t see you when I came in.”</p><p>	“No worries, I’d just slipped off to the loo, probably missed you.”</p><p>	“Right, so how have you been?”</p><p>	“I’ve been doing alright. It’s funny running into you today, I seem to be stumbling into people from school like crazy lately.”</p><p>	“Oh yeah? Who else have you seen?”</p><p>	Sirius watched a sad look cross Caradoc’s face as he stared at his empty pint glass. “Just someone I used to be friends with. I don’t think you’d remember him; he was pretty shy.”</p><p>	Sirius was curious about Caradoc’s cryptic stranger but decided it was best not to prod. </p><p>	“Listen mate,” he said. “I actually have to run but if you’re in town for the holidays we’ll have to be sure to do something together. Here, give me your phone, I don’t think I have your number.”</p><p>	“For sure,” Caradoc said as he pulled his phone out of his pocket and passed it to Sirius. He had left it on and there was a picture of an old polaroid open. It seemed to show a much younger Caradoc standing next to a boy Sirius faintly remembered. He had golden locks that were shining in the light of the fireplace they were standing in front of. While Caradoc’s eyes were firmly fixed on the camera, this boy was staring directly at him. </p><p>	“Oh shit,” Caradoc mumbled as he moved to close the app and open up his contacts page instead. “Sorry about that.”</p><p>	Sirius didn’t know what he was apologizing for but assumed that this mystery stranger had something to do with the person Caradoc had mentioned running into. But it was none of his business, so he just smiled gently at him and then turned his attention back to putting his number into his phone.</p><p>	“It’s really good to see you again.”</p><p>	“You too, Caradoc. I’ll see you around, we’ll have to relive the good old days.”</p><p>	Caradoc laughed as Sirius moved to pick up the notebook and slid his new pair of mittens onto his hands. By some Christmas magic they fit perfectly. He gave Caradoc a wave and then headed back out into the cold.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The plot thickens...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Blizzard</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter is a lot of dialogue and writing it felt like a whirlwind. I hope everything makes sense because there's a lot going on! If anything needs clarifying feel free to let me know!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sirius was sitting at home watching as the light snowfall quickly turned into a blizzard. It wasn’t long before his phone was buzzing with a familiar notification.</p><p>-	Blizzard Party!<br/>
-	You know the rules!<br/>
-	3<br/>
-	2<br/>
-	1<br/>
-	GO!</p><p>It was a tradition that the Longbottoms had started years ago. Once a blizzard started to get bad the party would get going at their house. Rules where you had to get there completely on foot. No cars. No public transportation. And most certainly no cabs. You must come bearing food and booze, but you were allowed to magic it to stay warm or make it smaller to fit into your pockets. After that it was just one big party of non-stop drinking, games, and cabin fever until the storm let up. </p><p>Sirius had been trying to think of a fun and unique dare for Moony to do, but figured his plans would be derailed until after the blizzard was over anyways. Besides he’d be lying if he didn’t admit that he was dying for a little company. He gathered up some food and firewhiskey he had lying around and tugged out his phone to let James know what he was missing out on. He’d probably want to call in later. He hated being left out of anything. Sirius wouldn’t put it past him to floo home in the middle of a blizzard. </p><p>Then Sirius remember Caradoc. He was sure Frank and Alice wouldn’t mind if he invited him, after all the more the merrier. Plus, it would be a good way for Caradoc to see most of his friends all gathered in one place. He shot him a quick message with the details, address, and rules and received a response saying that he’d meet him there. </p><p>Sirius took one final glance around the apartment and his eyes caught again on the red notebook. He debated about bringing it. He didn’t know why but it just felt wrong to leave it here unattended. He shook his head. He was just being silly. Besides it wasn’t like his notebook boy would be there anyways. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey Rems!” Lily called from the kitchen.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“You see Alice’s text?”</p><p>“No what’s up?” Remus said as he got up and made his way into the kitchen so they wouldn’t have to keep yelling.</p><p>“Blizzard party.”</p><p>Remus groaned and rolled his eyes.</p><p>“Oh come on Remus, it’ll be nice to see all your friends at the holidays.”</p><p>“All your friends you mean.”</p><p>She gave him a lopsided grin. “What’s mine is yours. Besides what are you gonna do? Sit around here and hope an owl delivers you the notebook in the middle of the blizzard?”</p><p>She made a good point. Besides Remus wasn’t really in the mood for thinking about everything that was floating around in his head right now. He’d be more than happy to get out of the house for a bit. </p><p>“All right, I’ll come. Let me pack up some of my Christmas baking and I think I have some Baileys kicking around somewhere.”</p><p>“Bringing in the Muggle touch, I like it.” Lily said as she helped pack up the items and bundle them up before they left.</p><p> </p><p>“Sirius!” Frank called out as he opened the door and wrapped him in a big hug. “I’m so glad you came! James told me you were staying back alone this year.”</p><p>“Yeah, been a bit lonely. It’ll be nice to have so company.”</p><p>“Of course, come on it. Everyone’s dumping their coats in the bedroom to the left there. Anything else you need, you just let me know.”</p><p>“Thanks Frank. Oh, I almost forgot to mention. I invited Caradoc. He’s back in town for a bit. You don’t mind, do you?”</p><p>“Of course not!” Frank said. “The more the merrier.”</p><p>Sirius made his way into the guest bedroom and took out his treats before dropping his coat onto the bed with the others. As he went to exit the room, he opened the door a little too quick and almost hit someone who was trying to come in.</p><p>“I am so sorry! I didn’t see you there.” Sirius said.</p><p>“No worries,” the boy told him as he stepped back to let him go by.</p><p>“Thanks,” Sirius said getting his first good look at him as he stepped into the hallway. He had golden curls and amber eyes. There was something so familiar about him, but he couldn’t place it. </p><p>“There you are,” Frank said appearing out of nowhere as he grabbed Sirius’ arm. “Come on I want to introduce you to some people.”</p><p>Going from being home alone all the time to constantly being shuffled from one conversation to the next was a lot, even for Sirius’ extroverted self. When he thought he had finally managed to escape the constant introductions, he felt an arm wrap around his and drag him into an empty room.</p><p>“What are you doing here?” Lily hissed as she took another glance at the door to make sure no one was in danger of wandering into their conversation.</p><p>Sirius looked startled as he remembered where he’d seen Lily before. “I could ask you the same thing.”</p><p>Okay, wrong answer because her eyes immediately widened with a "did you really say that to me" look.</p><p>“I’m friends with the Longbottoms, we know each other from school so I got invited to the blizzard party same as everyone else.” He said, hoping to cover up his mistake.</p><p>“Wait, you went to Hogwarts?” Lily said and then with her eyes widened in realization. “Holy shit you’re Sirius Black, why didn’t I put that together before?”</p><p>Sirius winced at the use of his last name, but the pieces were starting to click together in his head too. “You went to Hogwarts too. Head girl one of our last years, right?”</p><p>Lily nodded as she chewed on her lip trying to plan a way out of giving Sirius time to connect the final dots.</p><p>“Wait does that mean notebook boy is here?”</p><p>“I’m not telling you that!”</p><p>So, he was definitely here then.</p><p>“Listen, we’re snowed in. Frank will throw a fit if anyone tries to leave anyways. If anyone asks, we have no idea who each other are, deal?”</p><p>Sirius barely had time to agree to that before Lily was heading back out to the party leaving him with his head spinning.</p><p> </p><p>“Where’d you go?” Remus asked when Lily reappeared suddenly at his side.</p><p>“You know, just the rounds to say hi to people.”</p><p>He nodded along before he suddenly reached out and clutched onto her arm with a death grip. “Oh my god, he’s here.” Alarm bells went off in Lily’s head. How could he know? Peter’s description of him had been generic at best. “Caradoc’s here.” Lily felt relief wash over her before it was replaced by an entirely new panic. And she thought this party was going to be holiday fun.</p><p>Lily glanced at where Remus was firmly staring like a terrified toddler. She resisted the urge not to facepalm or send a hex flying their way because of course Caradoc was standing and talking to none other than Sirius Black.</p><p> </p><p>“Glad you could make it!” Sirius told Caradoc. </p><p>“Thanks for the invite, it’s really nice to see everyone all together like this. Makes it feel like no time has passed.”</p><p>Sirius nodded as something from earlier clicked into place in his head.</p><p>“That boy from the photograph,” Sirius said causing Caradoc to blush. “I think I saw him here.”</p><p>“Ah shit,” Caradoc said, startling Sirius who figured he’d be happy to see him after his cryptic messaging in the bar the other day. “No, no, it’s alright,” Caradoc said picking up on Sirius’ concern. “I’m more than happy to see him. I just don’t think he’ll want to see me. This will be the third time we’ve run into each other on accident and I don’t think he’ll believe me anymore if I tell him I’m not stalking him.”</p><p>“Alright, well I’ve got someone I’m trying to avoid too. So, we’ll both help each other out and we’ll somehow survive this prison of our own making.”</p><p>“Ah Sirius Black, always on the run from one girl or another. Nothing really has changed.” Sirius tried hard not to flinch at that, remembering the rumours that would swirl around him at school. It wasn’t that he didn’t like girls. For him it has always been more about who the person was than what they identified as, but it was the fact that he had never done half the things the stories said about him. Let alone the fact that most of stories didn’t paint him in the best light.</p><p>But for now, he put that behind him and clinked his glass with Caradoc in a silent agreement to help each other survive the night.</p><p> </p><p>Lily was about to drag Remus away to regroup and strategize when Frank came storming into the living room.</p><p>“We’re playing Spin the Bottle everyone!”</p><p>“What are we twelve?” Someone called out.</p><p>“Only on the inside!” Frank replied and started pushing furniture out of the way so that everyone could sit on the floor in a big circle.</p><p>Lily hated Spin the Bottle. Not to mention the fact that it always ended with someone getting hurt. It wasn’t really the best game consent wise either. She was pretty sure the same person who invented it must have also decided that you have to kiss whoever you’re standing under the mistletoe with.</p><p>The game had proceeded without incident until somehow the bottle had made itself far enough around the circle that it ended up in Remus’ hand. He cast a look up at Lily pleadingly who shrugged but understood his misery. Then he placed the bottle in the middle of the circle and started it spinning.</p><p>Lily watched the look of horror cross Remus’ face as it started to slow down where Caradoc was sitting on the other side of the circle. She quickly put her hand on her wand, where it was hiding in the pocket of her cardigan, and murmured a quick spell to give it another push.</p><p>Good news: the spell worked and it did not land on Caradoc. Bad news: it landed on Sirius. </p><p>This was a relief for Remus, but not for Lily who felt panic rise in her with the knowledge that only she had: the knowledge that the two of them knew each other a lot better than they thought they did. She schooled her expression into the calmest and most collected face she could as she watched the two of them make their way across the circle. Sirius cast a quick glance towards Caradoc who looked a little upset that it hadn’t landed on him but shrugged at Sirius in resignation and silent acceptance. Sirius finished making his way to Remus and they leaned into each other and shared a quick kiss. The kiss was followed with hoots and hollering from everyone and the two boys blushed as they made their way back to their seats on the appropriate ends of the circle. </p><p> </p><p>Remus was getting himself some snacks when the boy who he’d kissed earlier appeared beside him.</p><p>“I promise I usually take a guy out on the first date before kissing him.”</p><p>“It’s alright, it’s a dumb game anyways.” Remus said and then blushed furiously when he realized how what he said sounded. “I mean it’s not that I didn’t like kissing you I did – I mean I’m not asking you out or anything – I just mean Spin the Bottle is weird game – ugh why am I like this?” Remus finally relented burying his head in his hands mortified. </p><p>Sirius laughed loudly and it instantly made Remus feel better. “Wow, I think I just witnessed the full range of human emotions in a split second.”</p><p>“Sorry,” Remus said smiling now. “I’m not great with people. Parties aren’t really my thing.”</p><p>“Can I tell you a secret?” Sirius said sliding in closer. “Parties aren’t really my thing either. Everyone thinks they are but most of the time I just feel like I’m pretending to be some perfect version of myself for a few hours. It all feels like one big act sometimes.”</p><p>“Right?!” Remus said with the energy of someone who had just met a kindred spirit. </p><p>Sirius smiled at him and Remus really took in for the first time how handsome he was.</p><p>“Sorry, I didn’t catch your name earlier.”</p><p>“Oh I’m – “ Remus was rudely interrupted by the ringtone from Sirius’ cellphone. He tugged it out of his pocket to see that it was James video calling.</p><p>“It’s my brother,” he told Remus. “Mind if I grab this?”</p><p>“No, go right ahead.” Remus said and gave Sirius a little wave as he picked up the call and walked away.</p><p>“Hey James!” Sirius said. </p><p>“Ughhhh, I can’t believe they’re having a blizzard party without me.”</p><p>“Well,” Sirius said as he headed towards the kitchen where he hoped it would be quieter. “I’m afraid the weather doesn’t revolve around you.”</p><p>“It should,” James grumbled miserably.</p><p>“What the hell are you doing?” Came a voice and Sirius turned around to see a very frazzled Lily.</p><p>“Um, talking to my brother?”</p><p>“Is he your Lily?” She asked.</p><p>Sirius paused, not quite sure what she was asking for a moment. Then he realized she wanted to know if James was to him what she was to notebook boy. “Yeah.”</p><p>“Excellent, I need to steal him for a moment or I’m going to explode.” She said snatching the phone from his hand and promptly walking out of the room. Sirius stood stunned for a moment before shrugging his shoulders and deciding to return to the party.</p><p>“Sirius?” The voice on the other end of the line asked. </p><p>“Who are you?” Lily asked and watched the boy on the other end of the screen straighten immediately at the sight of her. “Oh great, it’s James Potter should have known you were involved in this.”</p><p>“Involved in what Lily?”</p><p>“Oh no, you do not get to casually namedrop like we’re best friends. Did you know he was going to be at this party?”</p><p>James looked genuinely confused. “Okay, you need to back up about twelve steps because I have no idea what’s going on.”</p><p>Lily sighed like a parent taking a moment to collect themselves before talking to a difficult child. “You know about the notebook yes?”</p><p>James nodded. </p><p>“Excellent, do you know who else is writing in the notebook besides Sirius?”</p><p>James shook his head in response.</p><p>“Okay,” she chewed on her lip for a moment, the way James knew she did when she was trying to decide something. Knowing all of Lily Evans’ looks had been quite the hobby for him in his Hogwarts days. He was not shocked to learn that his love for her had not faded since graduation. “Can I trust you James Potter?”</p><p>He nodded like an eager puppy.</p><p>“I need to hear you say it.”</p><p>“I swear I would eat a goblin’s bollocks before betraying your trust.”</p><p>“Gross imagery, but you’ve made your point.”</p><p>She took a moment to find an empty bathroom and shut the door and sat down on the toilet seat lid. </p><p>“You know Remus?”</p><p>“Your best friend, the one with the scars?”</p><p>She scrunched her nose up at the last part and James mentally berated himself for being so dumb as to say that. It was just that when it came to Lily his brain was rarely connected to his mouth.</p><p>“Yes,” she said decided now was not the time for arguing with him.</p><p>“He’s notebook boy and he’s at this party right now and I may or may not have accidently made them kiss during Spin the Bottle.”</p><p>James eyes widened and he looked like a deer in headlights as he processed everything she just said. </p><p>“Merlin’s beard. Does Sirius know?”</p><p>“That’s what I was hoping you could tell me. I caught him talking to Remus at the snack table earlier and I can’t tell if they know who each other are or if I’m just paranoid. The only other person who knows is Dorcas, but she’s not here and I thinking I’m going to spontaneously combust if I don’t tell someone because I just look at them and want to scream: ‘You’re secretly falling in love with each other idiots!’”</p><p>“Alright, well first off I think you seem perfectly lovely, just as much as a pleasure as when we went to school together.”</p><p>Lily glared at him, not in the mood for his not-so-subtle flirting.</p><p>“But Sirius didn’t mention anything about notebook boy or the Spin the Bottle kiss. Then again, I only got to exchange two sentences with him before you grabbed the phone. But I could find out.” He hastily added that last part after seeing how stressed the rest of what he said had made her.</p><p>“Could you?”</p><p>“Yes, but how would I get a hold of you to tell you?”</p><p>He opened his mouth to say something else and Lily stopped him. “Oh no you don’t. This is strictly about me looking out for Remus.”</p><p>James looked dead into the camera before speaking, “I, James Henry Potter, solemnly swear that I will not use your phone number for anything other than for communicating going-ons surrounding the notebook and ensuring its continued success.”</p><p>Lily still looked at him suspiciously.</p><p>“Lily, he’s my brother and I’ve never seen him this happy talking about someone before. I want this to go just as well as you do and if making sure they don’t find out the truth too soon is what is going to do that, then that’s exactly what we’ll do.”</p><p>This seemed to work, and Lily agreed to his terms before giving him her phone number. She then left the bathroom and headed back into the living room where she found Sirius talking with Caradoc. She wondered if he would be so chummy to him if he knew he was the one who had broken Remus’ heart when he kissed the wrong person under the mistletoe. She slammed his phone into his chest, and he fumbled to grab it. Then she walked away not so discreetly stepping on Caradoc’s toes as she left to find Remus. </p><p>Twenty minutes later she got a text from an unfamiliar number.</p><p>-	He doesn’t know! The game is still afoot </p><p>She sighed a deep breath of relief and inputted James contact into her phone under the name ‘Thorn in my side.’</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Boots</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>How are we over the 30k mark already??? This is wild.</p><p>Also this chapter needs a couple trigger warnings. One for mention of severe injury and pain. I don’t think it is anything too graphic, but then again I read Stephen King.  if you want to skip it stop reading at “And he remembers the pain” and pick back up again “After all of that was a deep depression.” Yes, I’m sorry that bodes so ominously for this chapter.</p><p>Also this chapter needs a trigger/content warning for mentions of depression and suicidal thoughts. </p><p>So yeah, this is definitely a heavier one folks and I’m sorry as I know this is a fluffy Christmas fic and this dash of angst might be a bit self indulgent but I also think its needed in order to fit in with the narrative. I hope you all can understand!</p><p>(Also alternate title for this chapter: Cinderella Story Part 2: the sad one)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The rest of the night passed with little incident and Lily was more than happy to oblige when Remus wanted to leave the first second the storm lightened up. They dug their coats out of the mess in the bedroom and their shoes from the avalanche in the hallway and headed home before collapsing into bed to sleep off the alcohol and emotional exhaustion of the party. Factory reset for two introverts. </p><p>	When Remus got up the next morning, he offered to Lily to go out and pick-up baked goods for breakfast since neither of them were in the mood to cook. As Remus stepped into his boots, he realized that one was a little snugger than the other. </p><p>	“Are you kidding me?” He said staring at his feet.</p><p>	“What?” Lily called from the kitchen.</p><p>	“I put on one of the wrong boots at the party. I was so tired I must not have noticed.”</p><p>	“Take a picture and send it to Frank or Alice, they can send it out as a mass text and figure out who’s it is. But you’re still going to wear it to get us breakfast, right?”</p><p>	“Only for you Lily Evans,” he said as he snapped a picture of his foot and sent it to Alice. She replied pretty quickly and said she’d pass on his message to the group.</p><p>	As Remus was coming back to their flat with warm breakfast sandwiches on fresh croissants and coffee, he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. After setting the food down in front of Lily, he tugged it out and saw a text from an unknown number.</p><p>-	Hey, I think our boots got mixed up. Alice gave me your number so we could coordinate a switch.<br/>
-	Oh, it’s Sirius by the way.</p><p>“Found out who has my shoe,” Remus said as he unwrapped his own sandwich.</p><p>“Who?” Lily asked around a mouthful of food.</p><p>“Sirius. Name sounds really familiar.”</p><p>Lily proceeded to immediately choke on her food and Remus hurried to get her a glass of water to help her wash it down.</p><p>“You okay?”</p><p>“Yep, just went down the wrong pipe.”</p><p>“Okay,” Remus said, and Lily breathed a sigh of relief when he turned back to his own sandwich. His phone buzzed again.</p><p>-	I can meet you in Riddle Park at 2 if that works?</p><p>Remus glanced at the clock. It was just after noon now so that would give him a good two hours to readjust to the waking world before he had to meet Sirius in the park. He spent most of that time showering and then lying in bed catching up on the book he was reading. Lily took to her own room. This was one of the things that Remus loved most about their friendship was the way that they both understood when the other needed space. </p><p>Two o’clock came much too soon and before Remus knew it, he was out of his cozy bed and back out in the winter cold, trudging through sidewalks that had yet to be plowed. As he made his way into Riddle Park, Remus realized they hadn’t decided on a place to meet and as he pulled out his phone to text Sirius, he heard a voice from behind him.</p><p>“Remus?”</p><p>Remus spun around to see the man he’d kissed during Spin the Bottle last night and something rattled loose in his cobweb brain. Sirius Black, heartthrob and heartbreaker of Hogwarts. Remus remembered a much younger Sirius Black one with short cut hair and manners that seemed too exact in their first year. </p><p>“Sirius Black right?”</p><p>There was a subtle flinch at the last name and Remus faintly remember something about his family, pure-bloods maybe? If he remembered he’d ask Lily later, but it was honestly none of his business. </p><p>	“In the flesh, thought I recognized my boot. Although, if I didn’t know any better, I say you’d stole mine just so could get another kiss from me.”</p><p>	Remus rolled his eyes, this definitely fit the version of Sirius Black he remembered. The cocky, rebellious teen he’d grown into, which seemed to have bled over into his twenties. “I thought you said you take people out on dates before kissing them.”</p><p>	“Touché.” Sirius said as he got closer to Remus.</p><p>He bent down to take his shoe off and almost slipped while trying to balance on one foot. He reached out to grab Remus’ shoulder to steady himself.  </p><p>“Sorry,” he said blushing. </p><p>“It’s okay,” Remus said, trying not to blush himself. He was cute when he did that. </p><p>After the awkward process of exchanging their right boots was complete, there was an awkward silence that Sirius was quick to fill.</p><p>“So, I didn’t get to talk to you again last night. How’d you know Frank and Alice?”</p><p>“We went to school together.” Remus said, already dreading where this conversation was going.</p><p>“Oh? I swear I’d remember if you went to Hogwarts.”</p><p>Remus bit back the urge to say something snarky and went for short and blunt instead. “I did.”</p><p>“What house were you?”</p><p>“Gryffindor.”</p><p>Sirius’ eyes widened. “Oh, you must have been a few years younger than me. When did you start?”</p><p>“2007.”</p><p>Sirius’ face scrunched up in thought. “That’s my year.”</p><p>“I took a year off after my fourth year.”</p><p>	Remus had had four brilliant first years at Hogwarts, he excelled in his classes and loved school despite being a little lonely. The full moons were difficult, and he often missed home, but he’d remind himself again of how lucky he was to be allowed to go to school here and what it was all for. And then came the year of hope or the year of despair depending on how you look at it. An experimental treatment for werewolves was released. It looked promising and all it needed were test subjects. Remus’ parents were worried but hopeful and Remus was elated, still in the childhood phase of hoping that this wasn’t a reality, that this wasn’t something he’d have to live with instead it was just like a terrible relative stopping into town.</p><p>	So, he did the tests, took the shots and potions they gave him. And woke up in the middle of the night screaming. He remembers his Dad scooping him up in his arms. He remembers his Mom sobbing as his Dad explained he needed to apparate him to the hospital which meant he couldn’t take Hope with them. He remembers hearing his Dad crying, landing in the emergency room begging for someone to save his son. And he remembers the pain. The way it had felt like someone was trying to carve his stomach open from the inside. The way it had felt like bugs might burst from underneath his skin at any moment. The way he felt like he was being burned alive. They had to cast silencing spells on his room so that he’d stop scaring the other patients. </p><p>	The thing that was supposed to save him, that was supposed to be the cure, nearly killed him instead. Three months spent in hospital fighting for his life. Fourth months of rehabilitation after that. Turns out there are some things you can’t magic better. Like a spell gone awry that splinters your bones into thousands of shards and yes that was as painful as it sounds. Of course, it doesn’t help when you’re still turning into a werewolf every full moon during that time. Remus remembers all the moons from that year. They are a regular feature in his nightmares but the one that stays clearest of all is when his Dad came to get him after the worst one. His bones hadn’t finished healing and had shattered again over the course of the night. There were more than a few shards sticking out of or pressing against his skin. His Dad had lent down to help him up and he’d asked him to just kill him. If he closes his eyes, he can still see the look of pain on his father’s face. The feeling of responsibility for what he felt he’d done to Remus. And the tiniest of flashes in which he considered the idea. </p><p>After all of that was a deep depression. The feeling that this had been his body’s last betrayal and he couldn’t take anymore. There had been months spent in bed or moving around the house as if he had become a ghost. Nothing more than a whisper of the boy he had once been. But through their own guilt and pain his parents had dragged him kicking and screaming back into the world. They kept him safe on the darkest nights and they never made him apologize for the times he lashed out at them, knowing his anger wasn’t directed at them but at the world. </p><p>When Remus returned to school that September, he was shocked at how many kids had forgotten him. He tried to say hi to some of his fellow classmates in the hallways and was met with blank stares. All these people he had known for years, these kids whose birthday parties he’d attended and whose group projects he’d been a part of. The kids he went to summer camp with and that he stood with that first day waiting eagerly to be sorted. They had all erased him. If he didn’t matter to them, if he was just background noise in their stories, then who was he really?</p><p>Except for Caradoc, Caradoc remembered him. Said he’d missed seeing Remus around classes, understood when Remus said he didn’t want to talk about where he’d been the last year, said he thought Remus would be fine to jump back into courses with them being as smart as he was. Caradoc was Remus’ last tether to the world before the failed cure, the person he was back then. He became Remus’ anchor and when Remus lost him; he drowned. </p><p>Lily had found him crying in a bathroom one day. Of all the people who walked by and heard him crying she was the one who stopped. The one who went in to make sure he was okay. She was the one who knew something about being alone. When his mind was stuck on mourning Remus Before, Lily only cared about Remus After. This new boy who had stumbled into her life. To her Remus Before was a blur of curls at the sorting ceremony and a vague memory of Remus being competition for the top of the class. To her Remus After was her best friend, endless supplier of chocolate, caregiver, and secret keeper. With Lily, Remus got to become someone again. </p><p>But sometimes, even though years had passed, Remus would think of Remus Before. It was why he didn’t like the Blizzard Parties because to him the people there had once been his friends. To them he was a stranger. That boy with scars that is friends with Lily Evans. Remus doesn’t like being reminded of the Before because it reminds him of what caused the need for there to be a split in the first place. The agony and pain that had struck his life like a lightning bolt and changed him forever. </p><p>“I’m sorry, I don’t remember you.”</p><p>Remus looked back at Sirius. “No one ever does.”</p><p>Sirius stood rooted to the spot. Unsure of what to say. Trying to process all the pain those four words carried.</p><p>“Sorry about the mix up. Thanks for getting my boot back to me,” Remus said and with a small wave turned and walked away, leaving Sirius standing alone in the park with an ache in his chest he didn’t yet understand.</p><p> </p><p>	Sirius called James the moment he got home. </p><p>	“What?” James said as he picked up. “Call to gloat about how much fun you had?”</p><p>	“No, although it was a decent party. I was actually wondering if you remember Remus Lupin, from Hogwarts?” Sirius was a little surprised at how much of a reaction this seemed to elicit from James.</p><p>	“Um, the one with the scars?” Merlin, Lily was going to kill him later if she heard that he had said that, but what was he supposed to say? The one who was friends with Lily? Then Sirius might start to put the pieces together if he already hadn’t.</p><p>	Sirius thought back to the park and last night. “Yeah, I think that’s him.”</p><p>	“Yeah, I don’t know much about him. Why?”</p><p>	“Nothing, just he accidentally ended up wearing one of my boots home from the party. We met up to switch and he seemed – I don’t know – annoyed that I didn’t remember him. Or maybe not annoyed, maybe more like disappointed.” Except it was more than that, there was a sadness there, like Remus had expected him to have forgotten him.  </p><p>	“What’s with you and missing boots?” James asked, bringing him back to reality. </p><p>	“Don’t know, maybe there’s a fairy godmother watching over me.”</p><p>	“Well, just don’t turn back into a pumpkin at midnight, okay?”</p><p>	Sirius laughed, “I’ll try.”</p><p>	“Now tell me about your latest plan for notebook boy,” James said as he propped his head up on his hands.</p><p>	“Why are you so invested in this all the sudden? First all the questions last night, now this.”</p><p>	“Can’t a brother be invested in his other brother’s love life? Okay, that sounded slightly less creepy in my head. Besides, there’s only so many hills you can ski down until it all becomes the same thing.”</p><p>	Sirius was pretty sure he was lying to make him feel better, but he appreciated it anyway. As Sirius told him all about his next big plan, James listened and took in every detail, but he also took a moment to text Lily. See, she had told him about the boot hours ago worried that Remus or Sirius might work it out if they talked for longer. He let her know that Sirius had asked about Remus, but that they were in the clear about the notebook. For now.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Alrighty! So yeah, that was a lot. Thank you to all of you who have asked about their time and school and why they didn’t know each other. Because I am quite literally writing this fic each day and making up the narrative as I go, I’m often only thinking a few chapters ahead and it can be hard to see some of the big picture stuff. </p><p>I know some of the forgetting Remus might seem like a stretch, but this is in part inspired by when I transferred to a different program for four years and then when I returned to the same high school as the kids I grew up with found out that even though we’d gone to school together for six years they’d completely forgotten me. But that was years ago now haha</p><p>I hope this answers your questions! If there is anything else that isn’t clear or resolved or that you are still curious about drop me a comment and I’ll be sure to answer it and/or keep it in mind moving forward.</p><p>Thanks again for reading and for all the feedback! I couldn’t do this everyday without all the lovely support and comments from all you! We will be back to the notebook and more fluff tomorrow! I promise 💜</p>
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<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Snowman</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Posting early again today because I'm heading back to my hometown for the holidays (safely of course) so I'll be on the road for most of the day!</p><p>Now back to our regularly scheduled notebook dares...</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The notebook made its way back to Remus the next day and he was more than happy to have something else to throw himself into. Between seeing Caradoc, the Blizzard Party, and his conversation with Sirius, Remus had been left with a sour taste in his mouth that he just couldn’t shake. He was happy to have an excuse to focus on something else for a little while. </p><p> <i>Welcome back Moony. Sorry that the blizzard put a bit of a damper on our game. Know that I was nice and warm with the new mitts you gave me. I love them, your friends sound like incredible people.</i> </p><p>	<i>Today I thought we’d test out your artistic skills. Head to Phoenix Park. You’re registered under the name Kris Kringle. You’re welcome.</i></p><p>	Remus made his way to Phoenix Park to find an array of people at work building snowmen, or perhaps more accurately snow sculptures. </p><p>	“Hi,” A young woman said as she walked up to Remus. She was holding a clipboard and had a sticker on her jacket that said volunteer. “You here to be part of the art exhibit?”</p><p>	“I guess so,” Remus said. “My friend registered me under the name Kris Kringle.”</p><p>	She broke into a wide smile. “Ah, the mysterious notebook boy.”</p><p>	Remus returned the grin. “It’s nice to finally get to meet one of his friends.”</p><p>	“Yes, I feel like I should give you that whole ‘you better not hurt my friend’ spiel yada yada, but you don’t look like you could hurt a fly so we’ll skip it.”</p><p>	If only she saw me around the full moon, Remus thought.</p><p>	“Anyways, essentially what we’re doing today is encouraging folks to build anything they want out of snow, keeping it appropriate of course, to help create an interactive walk-through art exhibit that people from the area can come out and visit.”</p><p>	“Sounds like fun.”</p><p>	“Excellent, we’ve split the park up pretty well and brought in a bit of extra snow, environmentally safely of course, just to make sure we don’t turn the park into a mud puddle rolling snowballs. I’ll show you to your section.”</p><p>	She led Remus over to an area that had been marked out by what looked like food colouring on the snow. She ran through the list of off-limits things to build before letting him know to find her when he finished so he could drop off the notebook.</p><p>	<i>I’ve been thinking a lot lately about who I was in school. I’ve been running into a bunch of people I used to know from back then and still I barely remember anything about them. Hell, there was this redheaded my brother was OBSESSED with and I don’t even remember her name. Daisy? Rose? I don’t know. I guess I'm just worried that I was one of those people that was so focused on the way that my own world was falling apart that I forgot to pay attention to the people who were right in front of me hoping that I’d see them.</i></p><p>	Remus didn’t know what he was going to build. All of his creative energy had been drained lately. He’d barely had time to read, let alone write or draw anything like he usually did in his spare time. Too much time worrying about who he had been. Too much time steeping in the past. But maybe it was good for him to tap back into his creativity. What was that old Welsh proverb his Mum used to say? Dod yn ôl at fy nghoed – To return to my trees. Yes, this was always his way of returning home, of returning to himself and remembering who he was. </p><p>	<i>So I guess that’s what today’s dare is about. You said it was foolish to let yourself believe that you could be someone else for a night. Why can’t you be someone else every day? I’ve always hated the idea that you had to be one person forever. I think people shift and change. I love the idea that one day I could meet someone who was once everything to me and not recognize them anymore. Today is about rebuilding, about getting to rebuild yourself over and over again or not.</i> </p><p>	Remus started to build the basic shapes out of the snow. Starting with a big block and slowly carving out space under it to create a belly and at the front and the back to separate the legs. He made an egg-shaped snowball for the head and smoothed it onto the body. He found a piece of bark nearby that worked to let him chisel out details better in the snow and worked with that and a stick to create fur under the neck and create a face on the head. </p><p>	Once he finished, Remus sat back to look at the wolf that he’d created. For once, he decided not to create it as the monster or the villain because at the end of the day it was just an animal. Ultimately, Remus couldn’t blame him for his nature. He admired the expression he’d been able to carve into this wolf as it looked to the sky, looking for the moon maybe or its pack. This lone white wolf, so pure and untainted. </p><p>	<i>I know this is probably going to sound cheesy as hell but stop for a minute and look around you. Everyone at this exhibit is using the same snow but look at everything they are building. Everyone grows into something different. You can too. But know that you don’t have to. I like you just the way you are, and I get the feeling I’d still like you if you woke up tomorrow and wanted to be a hippogriff for the rest of your days. I’m just happy to get the chance to build something with you.</i></p><p>	Just as Padfoot had asked Remus took the long way back to the booth at the front so that he could take in everything everyone else created. Some of them were very simple snowman. Others more complicated and intricate pieces. He saw one of a dolphin emerging from the water that was absolutely gorgeous. But Padfoot was right, they all came from the same place. They all had the same foundations to grow from.</p><p>	After taking some time to write in the notebook, he found Marlene and passed it over to her.</p><p>	“Thanks, I’ll be sure to take a walk by your sculpture later. I’m certain it turned out great.”</p><p>	“Not too bad if I say so myself.”</p><p>	“I have to ask. Can I know your name? I promise I won’t tell, I’m just curious.” </p><p>	Remus nodded. It was nice to finally get to talk to someone who knew his mystery writer. Someone from the other side who understood what they were doing and wanted the best for them. </p><p>	“It’s Remus.”</p><p>	“Like the Roman myth with the wolf.”</p><p>	“Exactly,” Remus said and for the first time in his life he didn’t hate the irony of where his name came from. Maybe he could rebuild the way he told that story.</p><p> </p><p>Sirius made his way to the park just as the volunteers were finishing taking down the last of the booths and signs.</p><p>	“Hi Marlene,” Sirius said trotting over to see his friend who had helped him set all of this up. She was an artist and could always be found volunteering with one pop up or another.</p><p>	“Hi Sirius, I have the notebook for you,” she said reaching into her jacket and pulling out the familiar Moleskine. Sirius swore he was going to have a pavlovian response to red books after this was all over.</p><p>	“Thanks,” he said taking it from her.</p><p>	“My pleasure. He seemed sweet. Not a bad artist either.”</p><p>	“Huh, I learn something new about him every day.”</p><p>	“Well, once you finally meet this mystery man, we’ll have to have a double date. I want you to meet my new girlfriend.”</p><p>	“Oh yeah?” Sirius said raising his eyebrows questioningly.</p><p>	“Yeah, she’s an artist too. She works mainly in restoration at a museum. You should see some of the pieces she gets to work on. It’s incredible.”</p><p>	“Well, I can’t wait to meet your mystery lady once I finally pin down my mystery man.”</p><p>	Marlene laughed. “Go on,” she said shooing him away. “It’s getting dark and then you won’t be able to see as well.”</p><p>	Sirius waved goodbye as he opened up the notebook and headed down the path. </p><p>	<i>Hi Pads,</i> </p><p>	<i>Thank you for this. I had a lot of fun. Things have been chaotic lately. I honestly feel like I’m being haunted by the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future. You sure you didn’t curse those gingerbread to turn me into a Scrooge? I already promised that I would still like you even if you don’t like Christmas.</i></p><p>	<i>Anyways, it was nice to just clear my head for a bit and focus on something fun. Try and get back a bit of the Christmas magic.</i></p><p>	<i>I’ve been thinking a lot about when I was in school too. Which isn’t great, because for the most part it’s a time that I’d like to forget. I hate when I write vague ominous things in here. I feel like I’m lying to you, but I also don’t know how much of the puzzle I’m allowed to give you. I don’t know if you want to be able to put the pieces together yet. I feel like I’m starting to get there. Little things keep popping up and I’m not sure if it’s that I can’t connect the dots or I’m refusing too. This notebook feels like the one thing that’s going right this holiday season. I know losing it doesn’t mean I’m losing you, I don’t know, maybe I just need to get some more sleep.</i></p><p>	<i>Anyways, back to the topic of snowmen or snow people or in my case snow animals. Can you guess which one is mine?</i></p><p>	Sirius walked around the park taking in all the wonderful snow sculptures before finally finding the one that was Moony’s. He knew the second he saw it because it had a knitted hat on its head. Moony had sculpted a beautiful white wolf out of snow with its head raised skyward. It looked so lonely out here on its own, lost without its pack. He wondered if that was how Moony was feeling lately. He wished he better understood what was going on with him. But Moony was also right, the pieces of the puzzle seemed to be coming into place and Sirius was a little scared that the Moony in his head wouldn’t be the person he met. Or worse he wouldn’t live up to the Padfoot that existed in Moony’s head. He tugged the hat off of the wolf and pulled it over his head. </p><p>	<i>I hope it fits. I know it doesn’t really match the mitts, but I don’t know, I think it fits somehow. If you’ve found your hat that means you’ve found my sculpture. You talked a lot about rebuilding. What people often forget is that in order to start over you have to destroy, walk away from, or lose what you had. Maybe it’s this cynical mood that I’ve been in, but I’ve been less in a rebuilding things sort of mood and more of a shatter things mood. So, let’s break something. I want you to wreck my sculpture. I want you to pretend it’s every awful thing you ever believed about yourself. All that mess you were caught up in school. Everything you regret not doing. Everything you want to scream at your younger self for doing wrong. Let it all out.</i> </p><p>	At first, Sirius didn’t get it. He didn’t feel like breaking things. But then he thought about what Caradoc had said to him at the party, and the way that Remus had looked so hurt when he couldn’t remember him, and the fact that he was here alone at Christmas because he could leave his family’s house, but he couldn’t escape their toxic ways of thinking that made him believe he was unworthy of taking up space in the Potters life, and he got mad. But it was more than that, it was years of anger, frustration, and hurt built up inside of him. It was every time he bit his tongue instead of correcting the rumours about himself. Every time he heard a murmur in the hallway that he was still a Black. Every time he’d let himself believe them.</p><p>	He channeled all of that energy into his fists as he beat down on the wolf sculpture. He swung back his foot to take out the wolfs legs and then pounded at it over and over again until it was nothing but the pile of snow it had been that morning. But as much as he felt that he was supposed to be hitting the ideas of what everyone else thought of him, Sirius couldn’t help the feeling that he was beating up on himself. Because why did he not take the time to get to know people better at school? Why didn’t he stand up for himself? Was he really even half as brave as he pretended to be? His heart ached and he could feel his chest constrict as it tried to breathe in the cold air.</p><p>	<i>It doesn’t always help, breaking things that is. In fact, I think it’s rarely the right answer. But the truth is, it forces you to not be able to run from your feelings anymore. When we have power over one tiny thing, when we are able to destroy, it reminds us of all the things we wish we could control. All the ways we’re unhappy in our lives. But even shattered, even in that wreckage, it’s the same snow I built that wolf out of. I don’t think our foundations change even if we do. All that matters is you want to get better. That when you breakdown you look at the pile of snow and think what can I make next?</i></p><p>	<i>Your partner in trying to forgive our past selves,</i><br/>
<i>Moony</i></p><p> </p><p>	Later, Remus sat in the kitchen with a cup of hot chocolate. A book lay open in front of him on the counter, but his mind was preoccupied with a different problem. Lily wandered into the room in her pjs and turned the kettle on.</p><p>	“Can I ask you something Lils?”</p><p>	She turned around and leaned against the counter. “Of course.”</p><p>	“That student with the huge crush on you at Hogwarts, the one with glasses, what was his name?”</p><p>	“Who?” Lily said as she turned to make her tea, but Remus had seemed something flash through her eyes. She knew what he was talking about, but she was lying to him. After all, how many redheads with floral names attended wizarding schools?</p><p>	“You have to remember Lily. The guy would turn beet red whenever he saw you. You drove me mad talking about him. Well, more accurately complaining about how he wouldn’t leave you alone. I think it started with a J… John? Jacob?”</p><p>	“Remus, you really expect to remember every boy who was interested in me?”</p><p>	No, but he knew she remembered this one. There is no way someone forgets an admirer with that much dedication. Why was she hiding it from him?</p><p>	“I guess not,” he mumbled and turned back to his hot chocolate. </p><p>	She looked like she wanted to say something else but ended up just smiling at him before taking her cup of tea back to her room. Remus felt like the world’s worst detective, like all the pieces to solve the mystery were laid out in front of him and he just couldn’t figure out how they fit. He’d figure it out though. He’d always been good at puzzles.</p>
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<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chilly</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Remus went back to the park the next morning to find the notebook tucked into a knot in the tree where he’d told him to leave it. He also saw that his wolf was gone, crushed into a pile of snow. He opened it up to see that the next available page had only been filled with one line and an address in the centre of it.</p><p>	<i>I want to take you to my favourite place.</i> </p><p>	Remus followed the directions to find a small building that it seemed no one else could see. There were no signs or visible markers on the outside that would give him any clue of what the building was. As he stepped through the door, he noted that the building was about six times the size inside that it should be and smiled with familiarity at the subtle presence of magic. </p><p>	“Can I help you?” A woman asked, she looked to be a little older than Remus and seemed tired and a bit frazzled. But she had kind eyes that made her look so stunning and trustworthy.</p><p>	“Yeah, a friend sent me here,” he said holding up the notebook in a gesture that he hoped would spark some understanding.</p><p>	“Of course,” she said with a smile. “You’re here to help out with the kids then. Come on in.” She started marching down a hallway and Remus took that as an invitation to follow. </p><p>	“I’m sorry if this might sound rude, but what is this place exactly?” Remus asked as they passed some rooms filled with beds, others with toys and books, one that looked like a classroom, and another that looked like a medical wing. </p><p>	“The Order of the Phoenix. Safe haven for magical children and teens. We have a lovely LGBTQIA+ support group, classes on helping Muggle borns and those with mixed ancestry cope with blood purists, grief counselling, addiction support, oh and of course resources for youth suffering from magical ailments, misunderstood creatures and curses. I think that’s everything, but I always forget a few things in the rundown. Now,” she said clapping her hands together. “How do you feel about wearing a costume?”</p><p>	The penguin costume was supposed to be Chilly Willy from the old animated series, Remus doubted any of the kids here would even remember it. To them he was probably just a giant penguin with a hat and a scarf. It didn’t matter much to them though, they could have magicked up any sort of strange creature and still they were more than content to climb all over Remus in a penguin costume that smelled mildly of whiskey and mothballs. Kids were taking turns at grabbing onto his flippers which he’d hoist up in the air and flap as if he were trying to fly. </p><p>	He’d call out, “Oh no! I’m too heavy to fly with these little chicks on my arms!” </p><p>	To which the kids would all burst out giggling and tell him, “Silly Chilly, penguins don’t fly!”</p><p>	<i>This is my favourite place. These kids don’t care who you are. As long as you’re here, as long as you see them, you are their everything. The teens are harder, they’ve had more time for the world to roughen their edges. But these kids, most of them don’t understand what they are going through or what’s been done to them. Sometimes I just want to bundle them all up and fly away with them somewhere I know the world can’t hurt them.</i> </p><p>	It felt like Remus had been giving piggyback rides and flights for only a few minutes before the woman came back and told the kids they had five minutes until story time. There was a lot of groaning, but Remus tried to make those last five minutes just as fun and smiled as he waved goodbye to the kids as they headed into another room for story time.</p><p>	They all waved back and giggled as they called back “Bye Chilly Willy!” And their small, youthful voices sounded so happy. It warmed Remus' heart that he could be a part of that. </p><p>But there was one boy who hadn’t joined in the fun, and who hadn’t left for story time yet either. He just sat in a back corner of the room by himself. Remus tried to watch him inconspicuously as he tugged the penguin head off and tried to flatten out his curls.</p><p>“That’s Theodore but we call him Teddy.” A familiar voice said behind Remus and he turned to see his favourite teacher from Hogwarts, Professor McGonagall. She didn’t look at him or acknowledge the smile on his face yet, she just kept talking. “Werewolf attack last year. Such a shame, so much of being a child that he’ll miss out on.” Then she turned to face him. “It’s so lovely to see you Remus dear, you were always my favourite. I’ve got to go to story time now, but please stick around. I’d like to hear how you’ve been.” And with a gentle pat on his shoulder, she disappeared. </p><p>Remus stood there in shock for a moment before deciding to make his way towards the young boy. He undid the zipper and slipped out of the Chilly Willy costume and draped it over a chair. Then he sat down criss cross applesauce in front of him. Remus looked at Teddy and he was in awe of how smooth his skin was. The odd scrape or bruise but that could just be from being a kid. He wasn’t scarred yet, not on the outside at least.</p><p>“Hey Teddy, my name’s Remus.”</p><p>Teddy looked up at him and Remus watched the look of recognition pass over his face as he took in the scars. The moment when Teddy realized: you’re just like me.</p><p>“I was bitten when I was four. He snuck in through my window. I used to have bad dreams about it all the time. Do you ever have nightmares?”</p><p>Teddy nodded silently and Remus sat in the silence to give him time to speak. “I was just playing at the park, I liked to go as high as I can on the swings.” More silence, then, “I don’t like to go to parks anymore.”</p><p>Remus nodded, biting down on his bottom lip and trying not to cry. Trying not to remember what it was like all those years ago. What it had felt like to be locked away in a basement as a child and not really understand why.</p><p>“Will I look like you when I get older?” Teddy asked and Remus knew immediately that he was asking about the scars.</p><p>“Maybe, you’ll probably have a few scars, but the medicine and magic are much better than when I was your age. They’ll probably be able to heal yours up better than mine.”</p><p>“Can I touch them?” Teddy asked. </p><p>Remus nodded and tried to keep his breathing steady as Teddy’s small soft hands ghosted over the raised the bumps on his skin. </p><p>“Are people mean about them?” </p><p>“Sometimes,” Remus said, knowing the person who was meanest about them was himself. “Most people just stare because they don’t know what to say.”</p><p>“My parents do that a lot,” Teddy said as he pulled his hand away from Remus and sat back down. “They just stare at me like I’m gonna disappear. It makes me feel all squirmy inside.”</p><p>
  <i>My parents always said the wrong thing. Always did the wrong thing. I’ve come here ever since it opened. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the right thing to say, but I want to try.</i>
</p><p>Remus didn’t know what to say. How could he tell this child that his parents’ hearts were breaking? That they were mourning all the things he wouldn’t get to be. The carefree childhood he would never get to have. The looks and stares he’d have to live with his whole life. The discrimination and rejection. Things were getting better for werewolves, better than when Remus was a child, but he knew what Teddy’s parents were feeling. He knew the fear, and he knew it wasn’t always completely unfounded.</p><p>“Do your parents ever check under the bed or in the closet for monsters?” Remus asked.</p><p>Teddy’s head bobbed up and down in response.</p><p>“Mine too. And have you ever done something bad and not known how to say sorry for it?”</p><p>Teddy nodded again. “I broke my Mom’s favourite vase on accident when I was pretending to play Quidditch. I knew she wouldn’t be mad but that she’d be sad. I didn’t want to make her sad.”</p><p>Remus nodded in understanding. “I think your parents feel like you did. They weren’t there to check the park for monsters and they want to tell you sorry because they feel bad, but they don’t want to make you sad.”</p><p>“It’s not their fault there was a monster in the park.” Teddy said with the ease of forgiveness that only children have. Remus had felt that way about his parents once but then he needed somewhere to put his anger for a while and his parents were the easiest target.</p><p>“You’re right Teddy, but sometimes grown-ups like to make things more complicated than that.”</p><p>Teddy nodded again before the woman from earlier reappeared.</p><p>“Teddy why aren’t you in story time with the other kids? You know McGonagall is reading this week, right?”</p><p>“Sorry, it’s my fault he’s late,” Remus said giving Teddy a little wink. “We just got talking.”</p><p>She gave Remus a steady look before turning to Teddy and shooing him towards the other room. </p><p>“McGonagall is my favourite,” Teddy told Remus before hurrying away.</p><p>“She was my favourite too.”</p><p>Alone in the room now, the woman from earlier gave Remus another stare and he felt that squirmy feeling that Teddy had described in his stomach.</p><p>“You’re a werewolf, aren’t you?”</p><p>Remus went to deny it out of habit, but she cut him off.</p><p>“It’s okay, safe place here, I won’t go reporting you to anyone. Even your pen pal,” she added before Remus could ask.</p><p>He smiled gently at her, “Thank you. I’m sorry but I didn’t catch your name earlier.”</p><p>She shook her head, “Sorry, I’m not great with adults,” and she left out a laugh that startled Remus. “I’m Emmeline.”</p><p>“Remus,” he told her.</p><p>“Well Remus, you’re welcome back anytime. It would be nice for Teddy to have someone to talk to. Someone who understands what he’s going through.”</p><p>
  <i>I would have given anything for a place like this. Anything to know I wasn’t alone in the world.</i>
</p><p>Before Remus could reply she was getting called away to another room and was waving at him quickly before hurrying to answer whoever was looking for her.</p><p>Remus walked around the room, taking in the care that had been put into designing this place and making it feel like home. There were pictures up on the walls of people who had helped found the place, important or relevant newspaper clippings, and memos of registration dates for programming. But there was one photo that caught his eye, it was of a donor holiday party held only a few years prior, shortly after the centre had opened. Remus recognized Alice and Frank and a few other familiar faces, looking closer he realized Caradoc was in the picture too and felt a familiar pang in his heart that he always felt when he thought of him. Dumbledore was there, lurking over everyone as he always did. And there, off to the side, was Sirius Black, the boy he’d kissed at the party. Remus found his eyes drawn away from everyone else in the photo as if he was entranced by Sirius’ expression. He looked sad and a little lonely, but there was also an anger, softened by the years but still burning behind his eyes.</p><p>“See anyone you recognize?” </p><p>Remus turned to see McGonagall and realized story time must have been over.</p><p>“Yes, some I’ve stayed friends with from school. Others I don’t remember but just saw at a party a few days ago.”</p><p>McGonagall nodded. “I hoped I’d run into you here sooner.”</p><p>“I didn’t know that it existed.”</p><p>“Yes, I guess I could have owled you about that. Will you come back again?”</p><p>“Of course,” Remus said realizing it wasn’t even a decision. He knew this was the kind of place he wanted to be a part of.</p><p>“Good,” she said and then she studied him for a moment. Remus tried to shake that feeling that he was about to be given detention. “What have you been up to Remus?”</p><p>“I went to Muggle university for teaching. Mostly just picking up odd jobs here and there until I can get my own classroom.”</p><p>“You didn’t want to come back to Hogwarts?”</p><p>He gave her a level gaze, “You know what the parents would say about that.”</p><p>“Since when do I give a house-elf’s arse what the parents say?”</p><p>Remus laughed, glad to see that she hadn’t changed a bit. </p><p>“I’ve got to run dear, but I hope to see you around.” She turned to go but then paused and turned back. “You still look so sad my dear, you need to stop doing what you think the world wants for you and do what feels right in here.” She laid her hand flat on Remus’ chest and gave him a gentle pat before she slipped away.</p><p>
  <i>I know what you mean Moony, I felt it when I tore apart your beautiful, beautiful wolf. But the problem with destroying yourself is after a while you start to believe you aren’t worth saving. What I would have given to have a place like the Order when I was young, to have someone sit me down and tell me that when I needed it the most. But the Order is here now. I wanted you to see that. I wanted you to understand that it can be different for these kids. Hopefully, these kids won’t have to forgive their past selves. They’ll know that they were just children and they didn’t do anything wrong. Maybe we can learn from them too Moony. I hope you believe you are worth saving. I hope you’ve come to a place in your life where you don’t want to destroy yourself anymore. And if you ever feel that way again, I hope you know there are safe places. Places like this that ask nothing of you. That ask you to simply be.</i>
</p><p>Remus glanced back at the corner where Teddy and he had chatted earlier. It would be a few more years before Teddy would head to Hogwarts himself. He wondered if his parents were already talking to Dumbledore. He wondered if Teddy would use the Shrieking Shack just as he did. He wondered if he’d come to hate the building as Remus had or if he’d see it as a safe haven.</p><p>McGonagall was right. The sorting hat had put him in Gryffindor: the house of the brave. A decision that Remus hadn’t understood at the time but that made sense more and more with each year. He was a Gryffindor at heart, and it was time to be brave. It was time to tell his mystery writer who he really was.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>My goal for this chapter was simply *soft.* Hope I was able to achieve that.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Santa Claus</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I really hope this chapter makes sense my brain was not here for the editing stage 😂</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sirius stood outside of the department story with the red notebook clutched in his hand. </p><p>“Are you sure you want to do this?” Marlene asked him. He’d asked her to come along because he was sure he wouldn’t be able to convince himself to go through with this. He also had the sinking feeling he was going to want someone with him when he finished. </p><p>He’d picked up the notebook from Emmeline yesterday, and after some scolding for McGonagall for not being around more, and a few hours spent with the kids he managed to make it home to read it in peace.</p><p><i>Thank you, Padfoot. This was everything to me. I can’t believe I didn’t know this place existed sooner. Especially when I realized I know half the people in the holiday donor photo they have up. I have a feeling this will quickly become one of my favourite places too. If you don’t mind sharing that is.</i> </p><p><i>I actually ran into an old friend while I was there. Or I guess I should say an old mentor, she’d probably hex me if she heard me call her a friend. Of course, she’d be smiling when she did it. Anyways, she reminded me of something. To borrow from A.A. Milne: “You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” I mean, she didn’t say that quote exactly but that was the gist. So, I’m going to be brave Padfoot, because I think I want this to move beyond this notebook. I think I’ve wanted that for some time now. I think I’ve just been too scared to do so and I have the feeling if I don’t do it now, the reveal probably won’t be on my terms. So here it is, go and visit Santa, tell him what you want for Christmas and if you’ve been a good boy, his hat might just hold the answer to Moony’s real name.</i> </p><p>He had called Marlene and was here less than hour later. If he was honest, he wanted it to move beyond the notebook too, but he wasn’t sure if he was ready. But he was a Gryffindor, it was time to be brave. </p><p>“I’m sure.” He told Marlene and they opened the doors and stepped inside.</p><p>They wove their way through the onslaught of holiday shoppers and slowly found their way to Santaland where there was a long line up of children waiting to sit on Santa’s lap. Sirius groaned.</p><p>“This is going to take hours.”</p><p>Marlene looked around before giving him a mischievous grin. “Not if I can help it. See that elf?” She said as she pointed to a miserable looking employee in a rumpled elf costume that looked vaguely familiar to Sirius.</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“That’s Peter, he went to Hogwarts with us.” </p><p>Sirius remembered now. “He worked at the bookstore where I found the notebook. Gave me the last part of the clue.”</p><p>“Probably why they picked this mall,” Marlene told him. “But they didn’t know you’d have me. Peter was pretty sweet on me in school, I think I can keep occupied for long enough that you can sneak by and get to the front of the line.”</p><p>“Don’t you have a girlfriend?”</p><p>“I won’t tell if you don’t.” She told him and Sirius smiled and nodded at her in agreement. Usually, it was James and him pulling stunts like this. Sirius just hoped this ended better than some of their pranks had.</p><p>	Sirius hid out of the way as Marlene started to talk to Peter. From the way that he stood up straighter when he saw Marlene, Sirius was guessing that his crush hadn’t faded. She gave him a little thumbs up behind her back and Sirius began to creep through the fake wintery forest to get to the front of the line. </p><p>	“Excuse me,” he said as he appeared out of the woods and stepped in front of a boy and his mother. “This will only take a moment, I promise.”</p><p>	The mother scowled at him but seemed to decide it was better to not make a scene and let Sirius go ahead.</p><p>	“Ho ho ho,” Santa Claus laughed. “Aren’t you a little big to be sitting on Santa’s knee?”</p><p>	His long beard reminded Sirius briefly of Dumbledore and he smiled silently at the ridiculous image of Dumbledore letting children sit on his knee and actually listening to what they had to say.</p><p>	“Yes, but a friend said if I’d behaved you might have something for me?”</p><p>	“Like this?” he said as he produced a small brown package from his pocket. “That and what’s in my hat of course,” he said with a little wink.</p><p>	Sirius glanced nervously back at where Marlene was giggling along to everything that Peter said. </p><p>	“Can you hurry up?” The frazzled mother asked. “We’ve been waiting in line for hours.”</p><p>	“Well, what’s it going to be boy?” Santa Claus asked him again, patting his knee with one gloved hand. </p><p>	There was more commotion in the line as people became more aware of this twenty-something that had butted ahead of all their children and Sirius watched as Peter’s attention was slowly pulled away from Marlene and back to his job. </p><p>	Santa Claus’ eyes followed Sirius’ to see where he was looking and Sirius, sensing that Peter would be trying to drag him out of there very soon, seized the moment of distraction and grabbed the package out of Santa’s hand. In own more fluid motion, he leapt up and snatched his hat and took off back through the wintery forest, tripping and setting off a domino effect of Christmas trees tumbling down one after the other. </p><p>	Peter yelled and despite Marlene’s best efforts, seemed to be reaching for his walkie talkie to call security. The children were screaming at the destruction and the disgruntled Santa Claus who was yelling at Sirius to bring his hat back. </p><p>	Sirius managed to make it to housewares before mall security caught up with him. He held his arms up in surrender and let them drag him out of the mall. The threw him outside a little harsher than was probably necessary and he turned to see Marlene scurrying out after him.</p><p>	“What the hell did you go and do that for? They’re never going to let you back in the mall now. How are you supposed to get the hat?”</p><p>	Sirius grinned and reached into his coat to produce the small package and the hat.</p><p>	Marlene’s eyes went wide, “You cheeky bastard. Well, go on then!” She feigned excitement, pretending that Remus hadn’t told her who he was only a few days ago. That her and Dorcas had put together the pieces of their other connection sometime after that. </p><p>	Sirius looked nervous as he reached into the hat and felt around for anything, but it came up empty. He looked inside with one eye certain that he was missing something. As he turned it over in his hands, he was becoming more and more certain that he’d just made a complete fool out of himself for nothing, when he caught a glimpse of glitter sticking out from under the furry trim. </p><p>	Sirius folded back the white fur to reveal five letters that must have been piped on in glitter glue. The name of his notebook boy, his Moony, was Remus. </p><p>	“Oh my god.” Sirius said.</p><p>	“What?” Marlene said as she stood on her tippy toes to get a better look at the hat.</p><p>	“I kissed him last week.”</p><p>	“You what?!”</p><p>	“Frank and Alice, they had a Blizzard Party. Someone started a game of Spin the Bottle and it was his turn and it landed on me.”</p><p>	Marlene barely had time to process this information before Sirius was off on the next tangent.</p><p>	“The boot. He wore one of my boots home from the party by accident and we met up to exchange them. I said I couldn’t remember him from school, and he seemed so heartbroken. He doesn’t know who I am. He’s gonna be so hurt when he finds out. He’s gonna think I’m a self-absorbed idiot and that’s if he doesn’t believe half of the rumours they spread about me at school.”</p><p>	“Okay, slow down Sirius, I think you’re over-reacting a little bit.”</p><p>	“But I’m not Marlene, I’m not, because I really care about him. I can’t mess this up okay? I gotta,” he took a deep breath. “I gotta tell him who I am, but I need to make sure he knows I’m not who he thinks I am, you know?”</p><p>	“Alright,” she said even though she didn’t have a clue what he was talking about. “What do you need me to do?”</p><p>	“Can you just stay on standby? I might need your artistic expertise to put something together.”</p><p>	“Of course.”</p><p>	“Thanks,” Sirius said and then he was off before she had a chance to saying anything else. </p><p>	Sirius was calling James before he even had his boots off.</p><p>	“Hello?”</p><p>	“James!” Sirius all but yelled at the screen. And then “Shit,” as he lost his balance and dropped his phone. “I may have committed a felony against Santa Claus” He said as he picked the phone back up. “But I know who notebook boy is now!”</p><p> </p><p>	“You did what to who now?”</p><p>	“Never mind that,” Sirius said as he stumbled around the apartment doing what looked to James like opening and closing every cupboard for no reason. “We probably did worse at school. Just means I can probably never go back to that mall again. Anyways, remember that boy we went to school I was asking you about?”</p><p>“Yeah…” James said, he was used to Sirius’ chaotic energy by now but this was new even for him.</p><p>	“It’s him! Remus is notebook boy!”</p><p>	James feigned as much surprise as he could. He knew this was coming because Lily had texted him last night to give him a heads up, she said it was so he could practice looking shocked.</p><p>	“Really?”</p><p>	“Yes really! Except I probably buggered it all when I saw him in the park. Of course, that was after I kissed him at the party.”</p><p>	“After you did what now?” James asked, struggling to hear Sirius over all the clanging. “Merlin mate, what the hell are you looking for trying to count all the spoons in the apartment?”</p><p>	Sirius stopped abruptly and suddenly propped the camera up on the counter.</p><p>	“What if he doesn’t like me?”</p><p>	“Where’d you get that idea? He wouldn’t be going through with all these ridiculous shenanigans if he didn’t like you.”</p><p>	“Yeah, but what if… what if he fell in love with Padfoot and once he realizes that’s me, he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.”</p><p>	“Mate,” James said. “Stop pacing and bloody look at me for two seconds.”</p><p>	Sirius did what he was told. </p><p>	James looked directly at him. “Anyone would be lucky to have you. You’ve shown him your heart. If he can’t see that it’s the same person on paper as in real life then that’s his fault.”</p><p>	Sirius nodded his head, but by the way he was chewing on his lip James knew he didn’t quite believe him. </p><p>	“How are you going to tell him?” James asked, hoping that refocusing Sirius’ mind on something else would help.</p><p>	“Huh?”</p><p>	“Well, you have to tell him who you are, right?”</p><p>	“Right.”</p><p>	“So, how are you going to do it?”</p><p>	“I don’t know. But it has to be perfect, it has to be for Moony.”</p><p>	“You know you can call him Remus now.”</p><p>	Sirius smiled, “I know but I like Moony.” He sighed and tugged his hand through his hair. His heart was still going a hundred miles an hour in his chest and the complicated mess of emotions that were running through his head was something he was certain he’d never felt before. He scooped up the phone and went to lie on his stomach on the couch. But as he sprawled out, he felt something jab him from his pocket. </p><p>	He sat up and reached into his jeans to pull out the small package he’d grabbed from Santa before running out of the mall. </p><p>	“What’s that?” James said moving closer to the camera in an attempt to see better.</p><p>	“It’s from him, Remus I mean. Santa Claus had it for me and I grabbed it before I ran.”</p><p>	“Okay, we gotta circle back to this you robbing a Santa Claus story later, but for now are you gonna open it?”</p><p>	Sirius stared at the brown paper like it was going to jump out and attack him. It shouldn’t matter. The only difference between now and any of the other countless dares they’d done before was that Sirius now knew the name of the person behind it. But it changed everything, because he could picture him now. He could picture his honey curls falling in his face as he wrote in the notebook. The way his face likely scrunched up when he tried those horrible candy canes. How silly he must have looked in the Chilly Willy costume. The way he must have smiled when he opened up the Snitch. What his lips felt like, what it would feel like to kiss them again, properly.</p><p>	“Earth to Sirius,” James said waving a hand in front of the camera. “Are you sure you didn’t run into a pole on the way home?”</p><p>	Sirius nodded and took in a gulp of warm arm as he tried to settle his breathing. “Sorry, just thinking.”</p><p>	“You really care about him, don’t you?”</p><p>	Sirius nodded slowly. “He deserves the world James and I want to be the one to give it to him.”</p><p>	James fought the urge to let out a long whistle. Sirius was gone, so far gone for this boy, and the truth was James didn’t know the first thing to do to help him. He’d never seen him like this before, so terrified but also so hopeful and excited. All he knew was that he wanted this Sirius to last.</p><p>	“Alright, we can do that, but one step at a time. First you gotta tell me what’s in that package.”</p><p>	Sirius nodded and started to unwrap the paper.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hello friends! My life has taken a bit of a turn lately. My dog is sick and we have to take her to a cardiologist tomorrow and I'm supposed to have a virtual Christmas thing on Saturday. Needless to say my head is in a bunch of different places right now. I really want to keep up this story and the quality of it for y'all which means the next few posts will probably be later in the day to give me a bit more time. I'm hoping to keep up the chapter a day schedule but I'll post updates on my tumblr and on the following chapters to keep you updated if anything changes.</p><p>Thank you so much for all the support! It means the world to me and helps keep me going and find the continued motivation to work on this fic! I can't wait to share more of it with you!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Dreidal</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“What is it?” James said once Sirius had finished unwrapping the gift. </p><p>	“It’s a dreidel,” Sirius said as he held up the blue and gold clay piece so that James could see it better. </p><p>	“Okay…” James said, appreciating the beauty of it but feeling like he was missing something.</p><p>	“There’s a note.” </p><p>	Sirius unfolded the piece of paper that had been tucked in with the dreidel and started to read. </p><p>	<i>I want to be honest with you. That’s what being brave is all about, about not being afraid to hide anymore. There are somethings I would rather tell you in person, so I’ll save those conversations for another time. But for now, there’s one story I need to tell you. What happened at the club that night. Why I bolted and left my shoe behind.</i></p><p>	<i>The night started out really nicely. I knew a bit about Hannukah, one of my close friends at Hogwarts was Jewish, but it had been years since we had spoken. It was nice to hear those stories again. The ones that I had forgotten. I think it’s important to remember that the stories we listen to matter, and we need to take time to honour and listen to stories from all sorts of diverse backgrounds. I’ve always been good at listening. I guess that’s probably why the stark transition to a punk show threw me off. I got overwhelmed and went to the washroom to take a moment to myself. That’s when I saw your note. And left my reply. I was scared but sometimes fear can hold us back from some of the best experiences, so I tried to set mine aside. I acknowledged my fear to you and myself and then I got back out there. I tried to be the person I wished I had when I went anywhere. Someone who would drag in all the people who didn’t have anyone. Someone who made it clear that everyone was welcome no matter how awful of a dancer you were.</i> </p><p>	<i>But then I bumped into someone. I don’t know if you know this, but I have a sneaking suspicion you might since I’m guessing you went to Hogwarts, but I have a lot of scars. The story behind them is one I’d rather tell in person.</i></p><p>	That was how James had described him, wasn’t it? The one with the scars. Sirius remembered them if he thought back to the party or the meeting in the park but to be honest, they hadn’t weighed on his mind much. Now, he was wondering where they came from, remembering that Remus had told him he had taken a year off of school. Did something happen? Was he attacked? There was worry bubbling up inside of him but more than that a desire to prevent Remus from ever being hurt like that again.</p><p>	<i>I had my friend Lily cover them up. She hates doing it, but I hate the way that people stare. She used to cover them up for me at school but that ended badly. She didn’t really want to do it, but I managed to convince her that it would be for just one night.</i></p><p>	<i>I tripped and when I turned around, I was face to face with the boy who’d kissed the wrong person underneath the mistletoe all those years ago. And he knew, right away he knew that I’d covered up my scars and suddenly I felt like a fraud. There were some other things he said, things about our history that change the way that I see it, things I’m still working to understand. But the thing that really caused me to bolt was the feeling of being caught faking it. I didn’t belong there and seeing someone I knew reminded me of that.</i> </p><p>	<i>There are places in the world that aren’t meant for me. I didn’t deserve to be there. To celebrate with all those people who were celebrating their identity and their history, who would keep celebrating for seven nights after that. They were all so beautiful, the way they had faith in who they are, the way they shared that openly with the world.</i></p><p>	<i>I don’t have that kind of faith in myself, Padfoot. I don’t really know who I am. I think I didn’t tell you what happened that night because I didn’t want you to see that. I wanted to protect you from seeing that side of me for as long as I could. But I have faith in us. I have faith in what we’ve built in this notebook, of what we could build outside of it. This is my way of remembering that night instead of running from it.</i></p><p>	<i>Like I said, I’m trying to brave. That means telling you the truth. And I promise, I will tell you the whole truth, the scars, the missing year, whatever you want to know. But I needed to start with this one, the true story needed to be told.</i></p><p>	<i>If all of this is too much, if all you ever wanted was a pen pal, I’ll understand. I mean I’ll probably eat a year’s supply of gingerbread cookies but then I’ll be okay. But if you want to be brave with me, if you’re willing to tell me who you are, I’ll be waiting at The Gryphon pub for the next few days, hoping to see a familiar stranger with a red notebook.</i></p><p>	<i>Yours,</i><br/>
<i>Remus</i></p><p>	Sirius set down the piece of the paper and just looked at the dreidel in his hand.</p><p>	“Shit Sirius, that was a lot. I hope it’s okay that I heard all of that.”</p><p>	“I probably would have repeated it to you practically verbatim anyways.” Sirius said a little dazed.</p><p>	“So, what are you going to do?” James asked him, never one for sitting in silence.</p><p>	Sirius looked up at him, almost a bit confused. “None of this changed anything. I still want to meet him. I still want to be with him if that’s what he wants. It just makes me really sad.”</p><p>	“Sad?” James said taking his own turn to be confused.</p><p>	“It’s the way he writes about himself. He writes as if loving him would be burden. That I’d be taking on this great chore. He’s so caught up in all the parts of himself that he hates that he can’t see how much good there is. I just wish I could help him see that.”</p><p>	“You can.” James said.</p><p>	Sirius raised one eyebrow to him in a silent expression of “Oh, really?” that they’d mastered through the years.</p><p>	“I may or may not have known a certain young boy who thought himself unworthy of a family, who in fact, judging from the fact that he didn’t come on our holiday and chose to spend it alone, still probably thinks he’s unworthy of a family. That he’s a burden to the one he has.”</p><p>	Sirius opened his mouth to rebuttal, but James cut him off.</p><p>	“No point in arguing Siri, I may be daft but I’m not that oblivious. But I also happen to know that this same boy’s lips curve up into a subtle smile every time I call him brother. Or the way he looks on the brink of tears every time Mom or Dad calls him son. People had thought we were family for years, but he’d always brushed them off. Sometimes, it just takes the right person to say something before you believe it. It doesn’t mean it’ll fix everything, but you hope that if you tell them enough that one day that voice will be louder than their own.”</p><p>	Sirius knew that at the end James wasn’t just talking about Remus and for the first time he glimpsed how sad James was that he hadn’t come along with them on their trip. Here, Sirius had thought he’d be nothing but a burden, that James would be jumping for joy to have time with his parents away from Sirius, when in fact nothing could be further from the truth. Sirius wanted to say something, to try and explain himself somehow but realized there weren’t words big enough to encompass all that he wanted to say.</p><p>	James, of course, saw this and rescued him by changing the subject. “So how are you going to show up at The Gryphon? Are you going to bring him something?” </p><p>	Sirius smiled and started spewing out all of his most ridiculous ideas that he’d thought of. James threw out his own and it was like they were back at Hogwarts again, staying up late at night trying to think of their latest and greatest prank. And Sirius felt home with his brother, with the family that he’d found.</p>
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<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Christmas Spirits</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Day 19 was choose your own prompt so I went with Christmas spirits for this chapter.<br/>Thank you all for your lovely comments and support. I'm getting through it one day at a time.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Remus sat in The Gryphon trying to keep himself occupied. He didn’t order much because he definitely did not want to be drunk if Padfoot showed up but judging from the way the bartender kept smiling at him she didn’t mind. Remus figured she must be friends with Padfoot considering he remembered her from when he’d dropped the notebook off earlier. Although, he could have sworn her hair was pink then not the vibrant holiday green it was now.</p><p>	He was halfway through day two of waiting and he wasn’t sure when or if to expect Padfoot. He knew that waiting here yesterday was a little bold, after all he needed to give him time to actually get the notebook, read through everything, and then decide what to do. But he was excited and nervous and spending time at The Gryphon made him feel like he was actually doing something, like in some strange way he was one step closer to him.</p><p>	The pub was done up for the holidays and in the few days since Remus had been here last it seemed that they had managed to cram even more holiday decorations into the tiny space. Almost every surface was covered in red and green, you couldn’t make it two feet without bumping into tinsel, and there was holly and mistletoe strung up across the ceiling at opportune spots. Even the bar menu had been given the festive treatment and included a list of ‘Holiday Spirits.’ There was a steady and constant stream of clientele from annual Christmas dinners, to groups of friends who were visiting from out of town, and people who were out shopping or caroling and just wanted some place to get warm and out of the cold for a bit. Remus had always enjoyed people watching so he was easily able to pass the time by taking in the revolving door of strangers, trying to understand what their lives must be like, what they were feeling this holiday season, who they might wish they were spending it with. The constant chatter gave something for him to listen to and help drown out the worried voice that was pleading for attention in the back of his mind. Thinking about other people’s stories helped him stop thinking about his and Padfoot’s. Stop wondering who Padfoot might be, whether they had met before, what he would look like, or sound like, or taste like. </p><p>	“Another Santa-gria please.” A man said beside Remus and he bristled with recognition at the sound of the voice.</p><p>	It was Caradoc again, appearing like the Ghost of Christmas Past to haunt Remus’ life. A spirit he couldn’t quite shake. He tried to keep his head turned and hoped that he wouldn’t see him. He wasn’t really up for another trip down memory lane today. He was trying to let go of the remnants of their history, trying to move on, but it felt like every time Remus was finally moving forward, every time he was close to escaping the past, Caradoc would show up to rattle on those chains. </p><p>	“Remus,” Caradoc said and there was a slur to his words that was both familiar and different. His voice was rougher now around the edges, changed with age, but that slur was something that Remus remembered. Even after Remus had stop talking to him, he’d see him around other Hogwarts parties. He’d catch himself looking for Caradoc, trying to make sure that he was okay, he still cared for him after all, no matter how badly he’d been hurt. </p><p>	Caradoc was always a little too drunk at parties, Remus had helped people get him back to his dorm on a few occasions. Although, he’d been too out of it to remember in the morning. It always pained Remus’ delicate heart to see him like that. Like he was trying to run away from something. That if he got enough alcohol in him, he’d get far enough away from himself that he wouldn’t have to come back the next morning.</p><p>	“Hi Caradoc,” Remus said determined to keep this conversation short. </p><p>	“Almost like I got a tracker spell on you or something,” he said as he let out a hiccupy laugh. For a brief second Remus wondered if he was being serious. Caradoc must have recognized the look of fear on his face because he was quick to correct himself. “I’m just kidding, I promise I’d never do something like that.”</p><p>	“Okay,” Remus said staring down into his empty glass.</p><p>	“I just miss you.” Caradoc said, clearly too drunk to get Remus’ not so subtle hit that he wasn’t in the mood for conversation. “I miss what we used to be. Seeing you out on that dance floor, I felt so dumb. I thought, god I could have had this, this could have been mine if I didn’t fuck it up.”</p><p>	The bartender came back and cast a quick look between them. She gave Remus a sympathetic smile before handing Caradoc his drink. “Last one, okay?”</p><p>	Caradoc nodded and Remus hoped that he’d pick up his drink and leave but instead he just stood there, gazing at Remus.</p><p>	“I like you better without the makeup,” he said. “But I always liked you best in the firelight. You always seemed to glow,” he looked up at the ceiling like he was trying to remember something and then seemed to smile. “Guess, I get a second chance.”</p><p>	Remus glanced up, following Caradoc’s gaze, and realized with horror that there was mistletoe hanging from the top of the bar. He had barely looked back down before Caradoc’s lips were crashing into his. They were gross and boozy and Remus already had his hand to his chest to push him away, to end this miserable clumsy kiss.</p><p>	That’s when Remus heard the soft jingle of the bell on the front door.</p><p>	Out of the corner of his eye, Remus saw Sirius Black step into the doorway of the pub. Snowflakes had settled in his long hair and on top of the hat that Remus had knitted, and he shook his head to try and get rid of them. His gloved hands clutched a familiar red notebook as his eyes began to scan the pub.</p><p>That was when it was all made sense. The dark hair. The piercings. James Potter, that had been the name of the boy who was obsessed with Lily, the same boy who was inseparable from Sirius and who was always pulling pranks with him. The boy Padfoot said he had talked to, the boy he hadn’t remembered, that had been Remus, when they met in the park a few days ago and neither of them had known. Sirius had been the keeper on the Quidditch team. And his decision to walk away from his pure-blooded family had been quite the scandal, even bigger than when he’d been sorted into Gryffindor. </p><p>As all the pieces slid into place in Remus head, Sirius eyes found Remus through the crowded bar. That was when Remus realized Caradoc’s sloppy mouth was still on his.</p><p>	He gave Caradoc a sharp shove and his back hit the bar and his eyes looked a little dazed before he seemed to sober up enough to realize what he had done. “Merlin, Remus, I’m so sorry,” he started to say, but Remus wasn’t listening.</p><p>	Remus was already moving through the pub to get to Sirius, his mystery writer, his Padfoot, who had looked absolutely devasted to see him. </p><p>	“Sirius!” Remus called out as Sirius turned to leave the pub. Remus watched as he saw his back tense in a way that told Remus he had heard him, but he kept barrelling through the crowd anyways. “Sirius please, it’s not what it looks like.”</p><p>	He was getting closer and closer to him and as he reached out a hand to grab Sirius’ jacket, he could almost swear he heard the bartender calling out to him too.</p><p>Sirius pushed the door open and stepped into the daylight, desperate to get fresh air into his lungs, hoping that it would somehow make sense of what he had seen.</p><p>“Sirius I-“ Remus started, but was cut off as he tripped and fell. In his hurry to follow Sirius out the front door, he had forgotten there were two steps from the pub down to the street. </p><p>	Sirius heard Remus stumble and the thud and curse as he hit the ground. His body tensed involuntarily. He wanted to walk away. He wanted to leave him lying there and hope that he was as badly hurt as Sirius was right now, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. His stubborn heart still wanted to make sure that he was okay.</p><p>	He turned back and made his way to where Remus was sitting on the ground with his one leg bent under the other. He was crying and Sirius didn’t know if it was from pain or everything that had just happened. The second he saw Sirius coming towards him, Remus hastily reached his hands up to wipe his tears from his eyes. </p><p>	“Sirius I-“</p><p>	“Are you okay?” Sirius said, cutting him off. </p><p>	Remus looked like he wanted to try something again but seemed to decide against it, “I think I twisted my ankle.”</p><p>	Sirius bent down beside him and reached into his pocket for his wand. Remus’ arm shot out to grab his hand and stop him. There was a moment when they caught each other’s eyes as their hands touched before Remus quickly pulled away. </p><p>	“Too many people,” Remus whispered, suddenly unable to look Sirius in the face.</p><p>	“Right,” Sirius said and reached into his pocket to tug out his phone.</p><p>	“What are you doing?” Remus asked.</p><p>	“Calling a cab so I can get you home.”</p><p>	“It’s fine really, you don’t have to stay,” Remus said as he made to stand but quickly fell over again as he tried to put weight on his ankle.</p><p>	“No, it’s not,” Sirius said, and a fresh wave of guilt washed over Remus.</p><p>	“When you came in-“</p><p>	“Can we not?” Sirius said cutting him off again, and Remus realized he looked close to tears. “I’d just rather not hear all the details.”</p><p>	Remus bit his tongue and nodded. Desperate to say something, anything, but trying to respect what Sirius was feeling right now. Trying to give him time to process it all and hope that he would see that it didn’t make any sense. That it was something that Remus would never do.</p><p>	The two sat in awkward silence as they waited for the cab and despite never having been closer to one another as they were now, they felt miles apart. That one sloppy kiss that Remus hadn’t even wanted had driven a chasm between them that neither of them was equipped to cross. Eventually, the yellow cab pulled up to the curb and Sirius looped his arm around Remus to help him to his feet. He helped Remus hobble over to the car and got him settled and then he surprised Remus by getting in after him.</p><p>	“Address?” The cab driver asked, as Sirius tugged the door shut on his side.</p><p>	Remus was watching Sirius intently, trying to take in the expression on his face. Trying to understand what was going on his mind. He thought he understood Padfoot so completely, but in this moment, he felt like he didn’t know the first thing about him.</p><p>	“Address?” Sirius parroted. </p><p>	“Right,” Remus said, blushing slightly at being caught staring as he told the cab driver where his and Lily’s apartment was.</p><p>	“I’m just making sure you get home safe, okay?” Sirius offered up as an explanation and Remus nodded quietly in response, still trying to untangle the words in his throat in a way that would make Sirius listen.</p><p>	The awkward silence between them persisted until they were about halfway there. “So was this all some big game to you or did you actually mean anything you said?” Sirius asked, keeping his eyes trained on the back of the seat in front of him, refusing to look at Remus, knowing if he did the tsunami of emotions inside of him would break and there would be nothing that he could do to stop it.</p><p>	“I did.” Remus said, trying to muster up as much emotion as he could, wanting Sirius to look at him so that he could see in his eyes that he wasn’t lying. “I meant every word of it. I swear. Everything I wrote. Everything I felt, everything I do feel about you. It’s all real.”</p><p>	“Which was exactly why you had your tongue down another man’s throat.”</p><p>	Sirius tone was blunt and to the point, and Remus could tell he was trying to deflect away some of the hurt. He also realized then that Caradoc had his back to the front door and Sirius didn’t know who he was kissing, he wondered if it would help him understand or if it would only make things worse.</p><p>“That’s not what was happening, I swear, he was drunk and with our history he thought-”</p><p>	“Your history?” Sirius said and Remus wished that he’d shut up for just one moment so that he could explain what happened. “You know what? Forget it, I don’t even want to know.” Sirius continued, shutting him down before he could finish saying anything even resembling an explanation.</p><p>	Remus had barely had time to process the kiss that he hadn’t wanted, let alone the fact that Sirius had been the one that he was writing too, and already it was all slipping away. The fear and panic that he felt were growing and threatened to overload his body.</p><p>	“We’re here,” Sirius said and got out as the cab stopped. He paid the driver before Remus could object and then came around to help him out of the car again. As he looped one strong arm around Remus’ waist with a touch that was both tender and caring, he couldn’t help but wish that he was holding him this way under different circumstances. </p><p>	Sirius went to press the button on the elevator and Remus shook his head. “It doesn’t work. It’s really quite fine, I can get up there myself.”</p><p>	Sirius shook his head, “You really are just as stubborn about taking care of yourself in real life.”</p><p>	Remus breathed in sharply. He didn’t know whether to be hurt or happy about Sirius’ comment. It was the first mention of something tangible that they had shared. An acknowledgement of the reality that they were so much more than strangers to each other. He wanted to scream in hopes that it would cause Sirius to say anything, to react more to all that had happened, but instead he just stayed silent as Sirius helped him awkwardly up the stairs. </p><p>	“Thank you,” Remus said when they had reached his front door. He slipped out of Sirius’ hold and put one hand on the doorjamb to support himself. Not really wanting to leave the comfort of Sirius’ warm grasp but feeling wrong staying there until he told him the truth.</p><p>“Can I explain now?” Remus asked.</p><p>	“I don’t see what there is to explain.” Sirius looked down to the floor as he spoke, still avoiding eye contact with Remus. Remus wondered whether it was the kiss or the scars that was stopping him from looking at him. Maybe it was both.</p><p>	“Please Sirius, I know what it looked like.”</p><p>	“Do you?” Sirius said raising his voice as he clenched his fists at his side. “Cause to me it looked like me finally getting to meet the boy I’m hopelessly in love with only to have my heart shattered into a million pieces when I find him kissing someone else. Did you want me to walk in on that or were you just hoping you could get away with kissing as many people as possible and hoping that I’d never find out?” There were tears burning behind his eyes now and Sirius hated it. Hated the way his voice was starting to tremble, hated the way he felt hollowed out from the inside, hated that he had allowed himself to care, allowed himself to think that maybe, just maybe, this could work.</p><p>	Remus just stood there in shock. All the words that Sirius had said narrowing down to the few that truly mattered. “You love me?”</p><p>	Before Sirius could reply, Lily opened the door, likely having heard voices and wondering what was going on. Her eyes went from Sirius to Remus and back before seeming to take in that Remus was favouring his one leg. </p><p>	“Sprained ankle,” Sirius said. “Should be able to mend it with a quick spell. He didn’t want me to do it in front of the Muggles.” He wiped the tears from his eyes and Remus realized he was wearing the mittens he’d gifted him too. He didn’t know how he hadn’t noticed earlier. He realized then that even when Sirius wasn’t acknowledging it, everything about him was a reminder of all they had shared, because it had been him. Every word that he had written, every dare or adventure that he had sent him on had a piece of Sirius in it.</p><p>	“Sirius,” Remus said, determination in his voice. He couldn’t help but feel that if he didn’t fix this now it would be over forever. </p><p>	“Here,” Sirius said as he reached into his pocket to pull out a small, gift-wrapped box and the notebook. He handed them to Remus roughly. “These are yours anyways.”</p><p>	Then he hurried back down the stairs, leaving Lily standing confused and Remus heartbroken, certain that he’d never see him again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Okay, I really understand how I ended up on Wolfstarlibrarian's naughty list now. Damn Caradoc always getting in the way, someone needs to just lock him in a closet until these two can get it sorted out.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Frost</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The cold snap came in the next morning. Lily started the fire early and enchanted it so that they wouldn’t have to keep adding logs throughout the day. Even then their apartment was so cold that it felt like the frosty air was seeping in through the floorboards and around the cracks of every window. </p><p>	Remus knew enough about literature to know that it would be easy to dress this all up in metaphors. To wax poetry about how the weather turned cold just as the fires of his burgeoning romance went out. But that was just the thing, they hadn’t gone out. He’s stupid heart was still yearning for something he didn’t know if he would get to have.</p><p>	The absence of a place to return the notebook too and Caradoc’s never-ending barrage of texts had left Remus in a bitter mood and he was content to spend the day buried under blankets trying to conserve body heat. But he needed to do more than that, he wanted to do more than that, anything to try and fix what Caradoc had broken.</p><p>	After Sirius had left, Lily helped Remus into the living room and listened to him recount how everything had gone wrong while she mended his ankle. After detailing a macabre list of everything that she would like to do to Caradoc, she had asked Remus what he was going to do about Sirius and the notebook. Remus had told her he needed the night to think about it. Then he had showered for what had probably been half an hour longer than needed, Caradoc’s kiss had left him feeling sickly and he wanted to wash off the ill feeling it had left behind.  </p><p>	When he collapsed into bed, he had slept fitfully dreaming of mistletoe and Sirius’ words ringing in his ears over and over again, but as awful as it all made him feel Remus kept coming back to the fact that Sirius had called him “the boy that he was hopelessly in love with” and that was enough to keep Remus going, enough to keep him believing. He’d gotten up in the middle of the night for a glass of water and brought the snitch Sirius had gifted him back to bed with him. He fell asleep tracing over the words <i>You matter to me</i> over and over again until he was sure that they were engrained in his fingertips. </p><p>	So the next morning he knew, no matter how cold it got outside, no matter how much Remus wanted to crawl back into bed and let the shivering take hold of him, he needed to find some way to explain the truth of what had happened to Sirius. He waited for his phone to go off again to respond.</p><p>-	Rems, can we just talk please I know I really screwed up. All I want to do is apologize and then you never have to talk to me again.</p><p>He decided he wasn’t going to waste any more time thinking about what to do and simply typed out exactly what he wanted to say to Caradoc and hit send before he could give himself time to second guess what he had written.</p><p>-	Your stupid drunk decision may have cost me a relationship with someone who really matters to me. I’m not going to make excuses for you anymore, I know you might be struggling but what you did was not okay. If you want to make it up to me, you can go and talk to Sirius. I was supposed to meet him at the pub last night and he ran when he saw you kissing me. He won’t listen to me or anything that I have to say, but maybe he’ll listen to you. If you’re really sorry, if you really want to make it up to me, go talk to him. Tell him exactly what you did and that I didn’t want any part of it. I know we were friends once Caradoc, but I’ve moved forward, and you need to find some way to be okay with that.</p><p>He set his phone down after hitting send and felt a surprising sense of calm wash over him. Normally, he’d be rereading a text like that over and over again, obsessing over every word choice and waiting for a response. But for once he didn’t care, he said what he needed to say and that was all that mattered. </p><p>Caradoc’s response came moments later.</p><p>-	Okay, I’ll do it, I promise Remus, I’ll do whatever I can to make this right and then I’ll give you your space</p><p>Remus read the message and turned his attention back to his cup of tea, focusing on the way the warm ceramic felt between his hands. He breathed in the steam and felt his lungs fill with warmth. Tomorrow, the sun would come out again and the cold snap would be over. With any luck when the sun rose, there’d be a new dawn for him and Sirius too. </p><p>Sirius felt cold and empty. He’d spent most of last night crying and couldn’t convince himself to do much more. He had called James and from the ache in his voice he could tell that he wished he was here with him, which only made Sirius feel worse. There was no point in him ruining James’ vacation too. </p><p>He wasn’t quite sure when he had fallen asleep last night, he was pretty sure he was still on the phone with James. He didn’t have much else to say after he had told him everything that had happened, but he just didn’t want to be alone, even if having James on his screen only reminded him of how much he wanted him to be here.</p><p>He had woken up shivering and plugged his phone in before getting up to put a few more layers on and get a fire going. He saw the hat and mittens Remus had given him sitting by the door and felt a sudden urge to burn them. He got as far as picking them and moving to stand in front of the fireplace but couldn’t bring himself to go through with it. Instead, he threw them onto the ground, mad at his stubborn heart for caring, mad at himself for getting his hopes up. </p><p>As much as he wanted to, he couldn’t stop seeing it over and over again, Remus’ lips on that other man’s. It made him feel sick, but he couldn’t stop seeing it on loop. Even when he closed his eyes it was like it was seared into his eyelids, like when your parents walk in on you watching something you shouldn’t be, and you can’t seem to find the pause button in time.</p><p>He sat back down on his bed and picked up his phone, which had enough power now that it would at least turn on. He had another dozen missed calls and messages from Tonks, but he really didn’t want to talk to her right now. He knew she’d either be mad for him or try to make it better and he really didn’t want either.</p><p>He called James again, despite feeling like an awful brother, despite feeling like a burden. His need for him was stronger than that. His desire to be heard by someone.</p><p>“Hey,” Sirius said as James' face lit up the screen.</p><p>“Hey,” James said, rubbing his eyes.</p><p>“Sorry if I woke you.”</p><p>“Nah, it’s all good. I’ve been up for a bit,” James told him despite the fact that he clearly hadn’t, and it only made Sirius feel worse. “How are you doing mate?”</p><p>Sirius shrugged in a way that he hoped communicated that he was absolutely miserable and the frost that had settled over the city wasn’t helping.</p><p>“Listen,” James said as he fumbled for his glasses and fidgeted with them after putting them on. “I’ve been talking to Lily.”</p><p>“Since when do you talk to Lily?” Sirius asked confused. </p><p>“Since she stole your phone at the party. She was worried you were close to figuring it out. We wanted to let you guys work it out on your own, so we’ve been keeping each other in the loop.”</p><p>Of course, that was the redhead James had been obsessed with in school, it all made sense now. “I see, you’ve been coercing with the enemy.”</p><p>“That’s just the thing Sirius, I don’t think they are the enemy. Did you let Remus explain what happened yesterday?”</p><p>Anger was starting to rise in Sirius’ veins, “No, why would I?”</p><p>“Well, maybe it wasn’t what it looked like. You know, just like on the first night of Hanukkah. He wasn’t mad at you. It was just the wrong place and the wrong time.”</p><p>“So, his face just happened to end up on some strangers at the moment that I walked into the bar.”</p><p>James looked surprised. “You didn’t see who he was kissing?”</p><p>“Why would that matter?”</p><p>“Listen, Sirius, it’s not my story to tell, but I really think you should talk to him.”</p><p>“Oh really, or you’re just doing all this because Lily is talking to you for once.”</p><p>James flinched visibly and Sirius tried to bury the urge to apologize. He just needed to be mad at someone and he needed someone to be mad at him. It was easier this way. He couldn’t yell at Remus and James was the closest target. </p><p>There was a knock at the front door that startled Sirius back to reality.</p><p>“I have to go,” Sirius said. </p><p>James started to say his name, but Sirius hung up on him before he could finish.</p><p>He tossed his phone back onto his bed and it immediately hit the ground since it was still tethered to the charging cable. He groaned as he picked it up to check the screen. The knocking came again from the front door, more insistent this time.</p><p>“I’m coming,” Sirius grumbled as he bundled up his blankets and got up to go tell off whatever solicitor was here to bother him, but he yanked open the door instead to see Caradoc.</p><p>“Can I come in?” Caradoc said despite the fact that he was already moving past Sirius and into the living room. </p><p>Sirius closed the door and went to follow him, confused about why he was here and just wishing this nightmare of a day could be over with.</p><p>“Listen, I told Remus I’d come here and make things right. That I’d explain everything that happened yesterday.” He was pacing back and forth, and Sirius tried not to be annoyed as he noticed the snow that was melting off his boots onto the floor.</p><p>“Since when are you Remus’ errand boy?” Sirius grumbled as he curled himself up on the couch.</p><p>“I’m not,” Caradoc said as he moved to stand across from Sirius, wringing his hat in his hands.</p><p>“Then why are you here?”</p><p>“Yesterday…” Caradoc started and then seemed to stop as if realizing something. He sighed and took a seat as he buried his head in his hands. Normally Sirius would feel sympathetic and want to help his friend, but his empathy was running short today. “I was one kissing Remus in The Gryphon yesterday.” </p><p>“You what?” Sirius said, but even as he was speaking his brain was putting the pieces together. The photo of the two of them that he had seen on Caradoc’s phone. The party and how Caradoc was so sure that Remus wouldn’t want to see him. </p><p>“Remus and I were friends a really long time ago. We got really close after he took a year off of school. We started to become closer, but I didn’t really have my shit together and I.. I…”</p><p>“The mistletoe.” Sirius said, his eyes widening with understanding as he realized who Caradoc was to Remus. </p><p>Caradoc looked up at him and his eyes were filled with tears and pleading for understanding. “I was so scared Sirius. You have to understand. I don’t… I didn’t want to feel that way.”</p><p>“So, you broke his heart.”</p><p>“It broke mine too.” Caradoc paused for a moment before seeming to remember why he was here and trying to straighten himself up a bit. “I saw him at this club for a celebration of the first night of Hanukkah and he looked so beautiful, it just took me back to then. I think I spooked him because he ran. But I bumped into him again at The Gryphon earlier, he was dropping something off. Then again at the party and then yesterday. I don’t think I realized how much I missed him until I saw him again. Or maybe it’s not even him I miss but having someone understand me. I was really lonely when we moved away. But this isn’t about me.</p><p>“The truth is, I got really drunk yesterday. And when I ran into Remus and saw the mistletoe above him, I was sure that it was chance to make everything right. It felt like fate. God, I’m such an idiot, I still can’t believe I kissed him. He didn’t want it Sirius, you have to believe me, and the second he processed what was happened he shoved me away and was running after you.”</p><p>“You saw him running after me?” Sirius asked, trying to process everything that Caradoc was telling him. The way that the three of them seemed to be circling one another without really knowing it. </p><p>“I saw him run after someone. I didn’t know who it was until Remus told me. Made sense when I remembered that I saw you at the pub just after him. He said you wouldn’t listen. He said if I really wanted to apologize to him, I would come here and tell you the truth. Whatever happened, whatever you saw, that’s on me. Don’t blame any of this on Remus.” He paused then and looked away from Sirius unable to keep eye contact as he said the next part, “Don’t make the same mistake that I did.”</p><p>“Yesterday,” Sirius said, almost as if he was in a dream. “He was trying to tell me, but I was too upset. I wouldn’t listen.”</p><p>“I mean, I know it probably doesn’t help but I understand. I know what that probably looked like, but I promise nothing is happening between Remus and me. He made it clear that he doesn’t want me in his life anymore and honestly its probably for the best. I don’t even know what I’m holding onto anymore.”</p><p>They sat in silence for a moment as Sirius worked his way through everything Caradoc had said, and Caradoc tried to figure out if there was anything else that he needed to tell him. Eventually, he decided there wasn’t and stood up to leave. </p><p>“Anyways, this isn’t about me, I’ve said what I’ve needed to say. I guess what happens next is up to you.” He started to head towards the door before Sirius stopped him.</p><p>“Hey, Caradoc?”</p><p>“Yeah?” He said as turned around to face Sirius.</p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p>Caradoc nodded and headed back towards the door but hesitated before leaving. He turned back one more time, “Take care of him for me okay?”</p><p>Sirius nodded and Caradoc smiled at him before slipping through the doorway.</p><p>Sirius slumped back into the chair, feeling a bit like an idiot. He didn’t know what he was going to do, all he knew was that he didn’t feel cold anymore.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Just needed a little escape today, so I've been living in the world of Sirius + Remus for most of the day. All caught up on comments now! Posting this here and on tumblr and then off to bed with me. Thank you so much for all your support and the hugs people have been sending my way, it means so much💜</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Ice Skates</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Remus needed something to do to keep busy and stop wondering about what Caradoc was telling Sirius and whether or not Sirius was listening. He didn’t have the first clue where Sirius lived and couldn’t really go chasing him down himself. He did still have his number from when they’d met up to change boots, but somehow texting him just didn’t feel right. Besides, Sirius needed space and Remus would respect that. When Sirius was ready, Remus would be here. </p><p>In the meantime, he could think and maybe finally process everything that had happened yesterday. He took his cup of tea into his bedroom and toed the door shut behind him. Then he sat down on his bed and pulled out the notebook and the box that Sirius had given him. He opened the notebook and felt his face break into a smile at the familiar writing. The writing that had come to feel so much like home. </p><p>
  <i>Remus, </i>
</p><p>
  <i>Hi, I don’t really know why I’m writing this. It seems kind of silly to be putting something down on paper when I’ll be handing this to you in person. Wow, I still can’t believe that I’m going to be seeing you in person. I mean I’m nervous, but maybe that sounds silly, I don’t know maybe you’re nervous too.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>	Anyways, maybe I’m just writing this down so if I get too overwhelmed I can just show it to you. So I can help you better understanding what I’m thinking or maybe I’m writing it down to better help me understand what I’m feeling. I don’t really know.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>When I saw your name on that Santa hat, everything made sense. I honestly feel a little thick for not figuring out earlier. It’s odd isn’t it? The way we keep crossing paths all these years without really colliding. I mean, I guess we did kiss at the Longbottoms’ party, so one might consider that a collision of some form. Damn, I’m really buggering this up. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>Okay, I Sirius Black, like you Remus Lupin. In fact, I think I can say I am hopelessly in love with you. I think I fell a little love with the boy who had me screaming ‘River’ around a bookstore and I’ve only fallen more and more in love since then. I think I’m scared that you won’t feel the same way. I think I’m scared you’ll see me, remember who I am and run away. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>I mean that’s largely because I managed to plant my foot squarely in my mouth when we were exchanging shoes. I don’t remember you, not really. I mean the pieces are vaguely coming together now. Your friend Lily, the one I met at the hot chocolate stand, she’s the one that my brother was obsessed with in school. I think I remember seeing you around, but I don’t think it was more than passing glances. The scars didn’t even really stick with me until my brother mentioned it. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>I think I know what you mean about wanting to cover up, about wanting to hide a part of who you are. When anyone from the wizarding world sees me, they usually know right away I’m a Black, which of course gives them a thousand different ideas about who I am and most of them couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s why I didn’t want to tell you my name. It’s part of why I’m so scared now. Because even though I might not remember you, I’m worried that you might remember me and that you might not like what you remember or what you heard.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>There was a lot of nasty rumours about me in school and while most of them are complete and utter poppycock, I still wasn’t the nicest person. I was mad and frustrated with the entire world, with the shitty hand I’d been dealt with my family, and I felt like it gave me a get out of jail free card to do whatever I wanted. I’m sure even if you don’t remember me, you’d remember some of the pranks that we pulled. And while some of them were a lot of fun, some of them were just mean. I don’t excuse anything I did. I have no right to say that because I was hurting, I was allowed to hurt other people, but I want you to know that I’ve changed. That if I could, I’d go back and hold that younger me and tell him that lashing out on others won’t change anything. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>I want you to know Sirius Black now, or Sirius Potter as I prefer, but know that I need to tell you more about Sirius Black then. The true story about what happened and dispel any of those rumours. But I know the telling is going to be hard and I’m scared how you are going to react.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>But what am I doing sitting here? Maybe I’m trying to calm myself down by imagining I’m talking to you or maybe I’m just stalling. But we’re Gryffindors right? House of the brave. I can do this. I can meet you. I believe that everything will be okay, because I’d like to think you’re a little bit in love with me too.</i>
</p><p>It was adorable how nervous Sirius was about meeting him. It hurt a little more in the hindsight of the way that meeting had gone, but it was nice to know that Sirius had been just as anxious as he was. Just as worried to tell him the truth, because even thought they’d been open and honest with each other about some of the most vulnerable experiences of their lives, it was still hidden underneath a veil of anonymity. Meeting each other in person, even knowing who the other was changed that. There would be nowhere to hide anymore. No turning back.</p><p>He turned his attention away from the notebook and to the small, gift-wrapped box. He gently undid the red bow and lifted the lid. Inside were two pairs of skates lying on a piece of soft cotton. Remus figured they were Sirius’ homage to the ornament collection he had given him and lifted them up by the laces to get a better look at them. As he ran his fingers over the details, he was met with a sharp pain and pulled back to see that his pointer finger was bleeding. He stuck it in his mouth and then turned his attention back to the skates giving them a closer look.</p><p>It was then that he realized that they weren’t ornaments at all, but in fact were two sets of real hockey skates. Sirius must have transfigured them in order to fit in them in the box. He imagined that he was planning on taking them both ice skating after he met up with Remus at the pub. Before everything had gone wrong.</p><p>Remus put the skates back in the box and found his wand to spell his hand better. Then he gathered up his jacket, the box, and the notebook before heading for the front door, stopping by Lily’s room on his way out.</p><p>He knocked and Lily called for him to enter, Remus did to see that she was sitting on her bed texting someone. </p><p>“I’m going out for a bit, just wanted to let you know.”</p><p>“Okay,” Lily said. “Did you want some company?”</p><p>“No,” Remus told her. “I think I’ll be alright.”</p><p>She nodded and turned back to her phone. Remus went to leave but stopped just before he shut the door.</p><p>“You knew, didn’t you? About Sirius?”</p><p>She nodded. “I kind of accosted him about it at the Longbottoms’ party. Well, him and his brother James. The two of us have been keeping each other in the loop. We just thought it was best if you figured it out on your own terms. That’s why I was so vague when you asked about him the other day. You aren’t mad, are you?”</p><p>“No, you were just being a good friend.”</p><p>Lily smiled at that. “Good, because I also may have accidently stunned the bottle and caused it to land on Sirius.”</p><p>“You what?”</p><p>“It was going to land on Caradoc! I was trying to save you from having to kiss him!”</p><p>Remus laughed. He couldn’t imagine how hard it must have been for Lily to keep that from him for so long. </p><p>“No more secrets now okay?”</p><p>Lily nodded in agreement and Remus closed the door to her room before heading out for the day.</p><p>Remus made his way to one of his favourite outdoor rinks and was delighted to see that the cold had kept almost everyone away. He was able to spell the skates back to their regular sizes without anyone noticing and laced them up before heading out onto the ice.</p><p>He had learned to skate on the pond near his house. His Mom and Dad used to take him out as a kid. Those were some of his golden memories of this time of year. The snow landing in their hair and on their clothes. Laughter bouncing across the crisp winter air as one or all of them fell on their butts. The way the sun shone down on them and how in those few moments it felt like nothing could ever go wrong. </p><p>He liked to remember them like that. In the moments when they could all forget about his furry little problem. It was nice to escape from their reality for a little while and pretend their biggest worries were bruised bottoms and cold fingers. </p><p>It had been a while since he had been out skating and his legs were a little wobbly. He knew if Sirius was here, he would have used that as an excuse for holding his hand, despite the fact that after the first few strides he was more than steady. </p><p>As he glided across the ice under the shade of the trees and the grey winter sky, he couldn’t help but remember how at the beginning of December, when all this had begun, he had picked ‘River’ almost subconsciously. He had wanted nothing more than to skate away from the holiday season and all the complicated feelings that came with it. Now, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was skating towards something, or maybe more accurately someone. </p><p>When the cold was getting a little too much to be comfortable anymore, he untied his skates and made sure no one was looking before shrinking them down again. He then tucked them back into the box for safe keeping before heading off in search of a warm drink.</p><p>The familiar bell jingled over the door as Remus made his way into The Gryphon and he noted it was considerably quieter than it had been the last few days. The cold must have been keeping people away from the pub too.</p><p>“My favourite customer,” the bartender said, and Remus smiled as he noticed that her hair was a soft baby blue today. “What will it be?” She asked as he took a seat at the bar.</p><p>“Can you do a hot chocolate with a little something extra in it?”</p><p>“Coming right up,” she told him as she headed off to make his drink. </p><p>Remus looked around the pub, glancing briefly down to where he’d been sitting when Caradoc had found him. He noted that all the mistletoe had been taken down. </p><p>“It was my boss who put the mistletoe up,” she said as she reappeared with his drink. “I always thought it was weirdest tradition. Although, that might just because I’m not from around here,” she said with a wink.</p><p>She was a witch then. That explained the endless cycle of hair colours. </p><p>“I wanted to ask how you were after yesterday. I never should have given him that last drink.” She wrinkled her nose up at the memory.</p><p>“It’s okay. I mean it’s not okay, he never should have done that. But I’m doing alright.”</p><p>“And Sirius?”</p><p>“So, you do know him.” Remus said, his suspicions confirmed.</p><p>She shrugged and gave him a subtle mischievous grin before her expression turned back to serious. “I’ve been trying to get a hold of him all morning. I saw him run out when he saw you. Wanted to tell him that guy was a drunken idiot if you hadn’t already, but he’s not answering me.”</p><p>“He wouldn’t listen to me yesterday,” Remus said looking down at his drink. He took a sip and realized she must have mixed it with some maple liqueur. It was delicious. “I sent the drunken idiot over to his house to explain what happened. Hopefully he’ll listen to him.”</p><p>“He better or I’ll break down his door and make sure he listens to me.”</p><p>Remus laughed and thought for a moment about all the lives that notebook had touched. Not just his and Sirius’ but all the people around them who had become invested in this in one way or another. The way that he was able to sit here and talk with this complete stranger and know that there was something that connected them, an understanding and care for a shared friend. A wish for Remus and Sirius’ holiday season to be just a little brighter.</p><p>“I’m Tonks by the way.” The bartender told him.</p><p>“Remus,” he replied. </p><p>“Nice to meet you Remus. I have to get back to work, but I hope to see a lot more of you. Did you want to leave anything with me in case he comes by?”</p><p>Remus shook his head. “I think for once we should do the talking.”</p><p>She smiled, “Sounds like a good idea to me.”</p><p>And then she was called away by another customer and gave Remus a little wave before heading back to work. Remus sat and finished up his drink and made sure to leave Tonks a good tip. Then he headed back out into the cold and made his way home, feeling just a little bit warmer on the inside, and just a little bit more certain that Sirius would find his way back to him soon.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If you haven't listened to Ben Platt's cover of River, you really should.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Hot Chocolate</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Merry Christmas Eve everyone! Or happy December 24th to those who don't celebrate!<br/>Thank you all for being so patient as I work to catch up!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The knock came on the front door early the next day. Remus wasn’t usually happy to be bothered during what he considered to be ‘early in the day’ but his face broke into a smile when he saw Sirius standing in the doorway. He looked nervous and couldn’t quite meet Remus’ eyes and had two to-go cups in his hands.</p><p>“Could we talk?” He asked.</p><p>“Of course,” Remus said. “Did you want to come in?”</p><p>“Actually, I was wondering if we could go for a walk.”</p><p>“For sure,” Remus said, taking in that Sirius was once again wearing the hats and mitts he gave him. He hurried to get on his own winter gear and called out to Lily before closing the door behind him. “Is one of those for me?” Remus asked as he gestured at the cups in his hand.</p><p>“Right,” Sirius said as he checked the sides before handing one over to Remus. “It’s from that place I sent you to in order to make up for the candy canes.”</p><p>“Still think it’s the best hot chocolate I’ve ever had.” He smiled as he took the cup and realized the name Moony was written on the side in black marker. “That was when you asked me to write about my worst Christmas.”</p><p>Sirius nodded as he held the door open for Remus and he left the apartment building and stepped into the winter weather. It had warmed up a bit since yesterday and the sky was a bright clear blue despite the fact it was supposed to snow later. Remus was doubly grateful for the hot chocolate now as it kept his hands warm through his thin gloves. </p><p>“The mistletoe,” Sirius said as he followed him outside. </p><p>“I take it Caradoc came to talk to you then.”</p><p>Sirius stopped abruptly and Remus turned to look at him. “I feel like a complete idiot. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions and I just want to say I’m so sorry. I hope you can forgive me?”</p><p>Remus knew just from the way that he was looking at him that Sirius meant ever word of it. “Consider yourself forgiven,” he said as he started to walk again. “Besides I know what it looked like. I didn’t want you to think that I was the kind of person who would do that. I hope by now I’ve shown you that I’m not.”</p><p>“You have, Remus. I should have known that wasn’t the kind of thing that you’d do. I think I just got in my head about the whole thing.”</p><p>“Like I said, all is forgiven. Though I think I’ll have to stay away from mistletoe for the rest of my life. Someone must have cursed me.”</p><p>Sirius laughed and Remus was grateful for the way that the sound cut through any remaining frigidness between them. </p><p>“I opened your gift.”</p><p>“Yeah, what did you think?”</p><p>“Probably could have used a heads up about the fact they were real skates. Nicked my finger pretty good.”</p><p>“I’m going to have to bubble wrap you. You’re too accident prone.” Sirius said frowning at him in joking frustration.</p><p>“What can I say? I like to play the damsel in distress.”</p><p>“You really need to stop losing your shoes Cinderella.”</p><p>It was Remus turn to laugh now and he loved this. The strangeness of it all. The way that he was standing here with a man he’d rarely spoken to in person but yet they were able to speak in a language all of their own. </p><p>“Do you have time?” Sirius asked. “I had an idea of somewhere we could go.”</p><p>Remus smiled, “For you, I have all the time in the world.”</p><p>Sirius grinned back at him and he was radiant. A beam of warmth in the winter’s cold. Remus figured he could bask for the rest of his life in that sunlight and it still wouldn’t be enough. </p><p>	More than anything though, he wanted to ask Sirius about what he’d written in the notebook, about what he’d said in the stairwell. He wanted to hear the answer to the question that he had left hanging in the air before Lily interrupted them. The question that seemed to be floating around him ever since. </p><p>But he was still too nervous, and them being in person was all still too new. He distracted himself by taking a sip of his hot chocolate and was delighted to find it was even better than he remembered. </p><p>“Holy shit, I forgot how good this hot chocolate was.” He said as he was overcome with competing desires to down it all in own go and to savour it for as long as he could.</p><p>“Still worth swearing off of men for?” Sirius asked, as he raised an eyebrow mischievously. </p><p>“I might have to ask them to make an exception for a certain someone.”</p><p>Sirius blushed and it sent Remus’ heart aflutter. He couldn’t believe that he had caused that perfect rosy glow. He couldn’t believe that he got the privilege of making Sirius react that way.</p><p>“Come on,” Sirius said. "We’re almost there.”</p><p>They walked in comfortable silence the rest of the way. Remus recognized that they were heading to one of the city’s seemingly endless supply of parks and wondered if there was somewhere in particular Sirius was leading them or if he just wanted a more peaceful and scenic place for them to carry on their conversation.</p><p>His question was answered when they got deeper into the park and rounded some trees to come across a beautiful antique carousel. The light of the snow made the gold and silver trimmings shine even brighter and they had decorated it with Christmas lights and décor for the season.</p><p>Remus turned to catch Sirius smiling at the look of awe and wonder on his face. </p><p>“Want to go for a ride?” He asked.</p><p>“Can we?” Remus replied like an over eager child.</p><p>Sirius chuckled as he started to head towards the line. Before getting in the queue, Sirius asked if Remus was finished with his hot chocolate and he tilted the cup upside down to get any last drops before handing it to Sirius to toss in the garbage. </p><p>With the loss of heat Remus’ hands quickly started to go numb. He held his gloves up to his face and blew into them gently in a futile gesture to warm them up.</p><p>“Cold?” Sirius asked. </p><p>Remus nodded. “Lily always jokes that my hands feel like a corpse's.”</p><p>Sirius looked a little confused. </p><p>“Yeah, she has an odd sense of humour.”</p><p>Sirius nodded as that seemed to track with his few abrupt encounters with her. </p><p>“Here,” he said. “Let me.” And he gently reached for Remus hands to take them in his own. The moment he had them he started to work his fingers over Remus’ palm gently to bring back some warmth.</p><p>“Sirius,” Remus said, his eyes trained on their hands. </p><p>“Mhm.”</p><p>“I read what you wrote in the notebook and what you said on the stairwell that day. I… I’d understand if it was just a heat of the moment thing and you don’t really feel that way. But you never answered my question.”</p><p>“And what question was that?” Sirius asked, despite knowing exactly what Remus was talking about. He just wanted to hear him say it out loud. </p><p>“You love me?” Remus asked.</p><p>Sirius let go of one of Remus’ hands so he could tilt his chin up so he was looking at him. “How could I not?”</p><p>Remus’ heart backflipped in his chest and he became suddenly aware of how close they had become both from the queue and from Sirius taking his hand in his. It was the first time Remus was really able to appreciate how handsome he was. The way his long dark hair curled gently over his shoulders and accented the various piercings he had in his ear. The gentle calm of his steely eyes and the way the snowflakes that were starting to fall landed perfectly on his eyelashes. His sharp cheekbones that easily led Remus’ eyes down to his lips which were red and slightly chapped from the cold.</p><p>Remus remembered those lips from the party, from their chaste, silly kiss. He wondered what they would feel like now, now that he knew who he really was.</p><p>“You boys coming aboard?” The conductor of the carousel called, and Remus turned to realize there was a huge gap in front of them in the line. He blushed at being caught in such a vulnerable moment, but Sirius seemed to take it in stride as he gave Remus’ hand a reassuring squeeze and led him onto the ride. </p><p>“Pick whichever horse you want,” Sirius told him.</p><p>Remus weaved his way throughout the various horses and riders before finding a beautiful chestnut mare that was perfect.</p><p>“This one,” he told Sirius as they got closer and he’d be lying if he didn’t admit that it made him a little sad to have to let go of Sirius’ hand to get on the horse. He waited for Sirius to get on the one beside it but noticed that he hadn’t moved. “Are you going to get on one?”</p><p>“I think I’d rather stay right here if you don’t mind.”</p><p>“Not at all,” Remus said. The familiar music started up as the ride came to life. Remus turned his eyes upwards like he had so many times as a kid. He watched the gears turn and the arm begin to rise as it lifted the horse up on the pole before bringing it back down again. After a few rotations, he looked back down to see Sirius gazing at him from where he was holding onto the golden pole.</p><p>“What?” He asked.</p><p>“Nothing. I just like watching you.”</p><p>Remus blushed and realized he’d lost count of the number of times Sirius had made him do so today. “I like watching the arm go up and down. Have ever since I was a kid. I don’t know, something about piecing together how things work. Here,” he said gesturing for Sirius to come closer. “Stand right there.”</p><p>Sirius obliged and pressed his body against the horse so that he could look up and see the metal arm with the horseshoe bend in it.</p><p>“It’s not really that complicated. When it looks like a U the horse is lower, then when it’s the other way around the horse is higher. I don’t know why but it was fascinating to little me.”</p><p>“I like it,” Sirius said. “There’s a comfort to watching it go up and down again.”</p><p>“Exactly,” Remus said, noting that he had known from the moment he’d started to explain that Sirius would understand.</p><p>As they both looked back down, Remus realized that once again they were so close to each other that if Remus had been lower down, their noses would have brushed together.</p><p>“Do you remember me from school?” Sirius asked and Remus felt the return of his anxious energy from earlier. </p><p>“I do,” Remus told him. “Bits and pieces but all of that doesn’t really matter to mean. I mean it does of course, I want to know all about Sirius Then or whatever you feel comfortable telling me. But it’s Sirius Now that I fell in love with. Knowing who you were won’t change that.”</p><p>“So, you love me too?” Sirius asked and Remus felt that gentle warmth of his smile wash over him again.</p><p>“It wasn’t already obvious?”</p><p>Sirius leaned in closer. “Can you say it?”</p><p>The mechanical arm pulled Remus up higher.</p><p>“I love you Padfoot.”</p><p>The crank turned and brought him back down to Sirius.</p><p>“I love you too Moony.”</p><p>And just as the carousel horse was at its lowest, Sirius pushed himself up on his toes and pulled Remus towards him until he could plant his lips on his. Remus leaned down to meet him, keeping one hand on the pole to steady himself and placing the other on Sirius’ shoulders. </p><p>He could taste the hot chocolate on Sirius’ lips as they pressed against him warm and sure. There was an insistence and a desire there that had been absent when they had kissed before. Sirius seemed to move his mouth in a different way as if trying to communicate something to Remus, as if trying to channel everything he couldn’t yet say about how he felt into their kiss.</p><p>It was fleeting as the pull of the ride quickly tugged Remus out of Sirius' reach, but it left Remus dizzy and wanting more and judging from the look on Sirius’ face he felt the same way. </p><p>The ride started to slow down, and Remus let out a laugh that Sirius swore made him hate the sounds of jingle bells a little less. It was honey and comfort. Sirius wished he could crawl into that sound and just stay there forever. </p><p>“I can’t believe our first kiss was in a game of Spin the Bottle,” Remus said.</p><p>The ride came creaking to a final halt and Sirius held out a hand to help Remus down and off the horse. </p><p>“It’s not the first kiss that counts. It’s the first one that matters.”</p><p>And then he wrapped his arm around the small of Remus’ back and tugged him towards him again until their lips collided. Remus looped his arms around Sirius’ neck and leaned into the kiss. As Sirius parted his lips with his own, Remus realized it was all worth it, every miscommunication, every dare, every time he doubted himself, because it was all leading to this moment. It was all leading to him finally having Sirius in his arms. Forget hot chocolate, he’d give up all the hot chocolate in the world just to be held like this by Sirius and to get to keep the memory of this perfect kiss.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>It only took us 50k words but we got there! THEY FINALLY KISSED!<br/>(For real this time)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Wrapping Paper</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Catching up!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sirius and Remus had walked back to Remus’ apartment hand in hand, the snow falling gently around them. They both subconsciously slowed down as they drew nearer. Neither one of them ready to part. </p><p>	“What are you doing tomorrow?” Sirius asked.</p><p>	“Hopefully something with you.” Remus teased with a mischievous grin.</p><p>	“Very smooth,” Sirius said as he leaned down to steal another kiss.</p><p>	“Oh shit,” Remus said as Sirius pulled back. “No, it’s not you, it’s just I completely forgot I haven’t wrapped any of my Christmas presents yet. I really need to get a start on that.”</p><p>	“Okay,” Sirius said. “Bring them over to my place.”</p><p>	“You sure?” Remus asked, wanting to be certain that they weren’t moving too quickly for Sirius. He knew he was fine. After all the build-up and waiting it felt like he couldn’t get enough of Sirius. But there was no panic anymore, no hurry to finish the dare to be able to move onto the next game. Now, they had all the time in the world. It just so happened that they’d both rather spend that time together.</p><p>	“Of course, I’ll text you the address.”</p><p>	“Can’t wait,” Remus said and leaned in to give him one last kiss before heading inside.</p><p>	That was how Remus came to find himself surrounded by wrapping paper and sitting next to a very frustrated Sirius who was covered in tape.</p><p>	“This is impossible,” Sirius said as he tried to fold in the edges of the paper on the side a gift. “How do you make yours so pretty?”</p><p>	“Well,” Remus said as he moved closer so he could better help him. “First off, you definitely do not need that much tape. He gently tugged the pieces off of Sirius' hands and balled them up before setting them aside. “Then what you want to do is push in the sides like this so that the top and bottom of the paper forms a triangle.” He put his hands over Sirius’ as he guided him through the steps. “Don’t push too hard or it will crumple, besides the paper will have a fold it will want to settle into. Then you simply tuck up this piece from the bottom, bring the triangle down from the top add a piece of tape and voila! You’ve wrapped a present.”</p><p>	He looked up to see that Sirius had spent most of the time not watching the gift-wrapping process but staring at him instead. The look in his eyes could only be described as lovestruck and every time Remus saw it, he was convinced that there must be someone else in the room. </p><p>	“How did you get to be so perfect?”</p><p>	Remus blushed and tried not to think of the one obvious way that he wasn’t perfect. Tried not to think about the fact that one day soon he’d have to tell Sirius about it and this bliss could all be over. “Not my fault I had a Muggle mum to teach me all these things.”</p><p>	Sirius seemed to draw quiet at that and Remus felt bad. He knew that family was a sore spot for Sirius, and he didn’t want to push him into sharing anything that he wasn’t ready for yet. It was odd, the way that they were so comfortable around one another even with these secrets dancing over their heads. There was a peace, or maybe just a hope, that whatever they had to share with one another wouldn’t matter so long as they faced it together. </p><p>	But instead of talking about all of that, Remus balled up a piece of wrapping paper and threw it at him. “She also taught me how to not make a disaster of a living room when I was wrapping presents.”</p><p>	Sirius grinned and Remus was grateful to see that warmth return.</p><p>	“Maybe I’ve just been saving up ammo,” Sirius said as he grabbed another scrap from behind him and balled it up before launching it at Remus’ head. </p><p>	This launched the start of a full-on wrapping paper war as the pair gathered up whatever pieces they could and barricaded themselves behind furniture before launching them at each other. The paper was too light, and half of their tosses barely made it near the other person, but it didn’t matter, they were too lost in the game and magic of it all. Every ball of wrapping paper was a bullet they needed to dodge. </p><p>	Finally, Sirius was able to sneak up on Remus by crawling on top of the couch in order to drop an armful of wrapping paper balls onto his head. </p><p>	“I’ve been hit!” Remus called out as he stood up to try and run away. Sirius followed and grabbed his arm and Remus pulled back in an attempt to escape. “Unhand me you fiend!” He called out which only set Sirius off laughing more. </p><p>	Before long they ended up on the ground in a tangle of arms and limbs as they tried half-heartedly to wiggle out from the other person’s grasp.</p><p>	“Gotcha!” Sirius declared as he finally pinned Remus to the ground. </p><p>	Remus groaned in defeat and raised a hand to cover the blush that had taken over his face. Partly from all the physical activity and partly from having Sirius hanging over him like this. </p><p>	Sirius slowly lifted Remus arm out of the way so that he could see him better and while Remus was sure the only thing anyone ever saw was his scars, the only that Sirius ever saw was the face of the boy he loved. Those amber eyes and the gently twist of his honey curls. Sirius reached up to brush a loose strand away from his face and as his skin brushed over Remus’ the air changed. </p><p>	The room seemed to narrow down to the two of them and the silence felt heightened except for the sound of their chests heaving as they tried to catch their breaths. There was a moment, a pause where the air that ran between the two of them was electric and then Sirius was diving down to press his mouth against Remus’.</p><p>	Remus freed one hand and placed it on the back of Sirius’ neck so he could bring him in closer. Sirius used one arm to steady himself as he slipped the other through Remus’ curls, loving the way they glided through his fingers. He parted Remus’ lips and slipped his tongue into his mouth. As he traced along Remus’ teeth and outlined the inside of his mouth, Remus struggled to pull himself up from the floor, desperate to get Sirius closer, to bring the kiss deeper.<br/>

Sirius repositioned himself so he could better support himself without collapsing onto Remus. As he leaned further down their bodies brushed against one another and Remus let out a moan at the sudden friction in all the right places. Sirius felt his heart race as he captured that sound inside and his mouth and he rolled his hips in an attempt to get Remus to make it again.</p><p>	By now, it was very obvious that they both wanted this. Remus knew that he wanted it. He was aching to have Sirius closer to him any way he could. He wanted him to keep moving his body just like that. But he also realized that this felt a little too fast, a little too sudden. That they were trying to make up for all the time that they’d missed, that maybe they were both a little more scared of losing the other again then they realized.</p><p>	When Sirius surfaced for a breath, Remus laid a gentle hand on his chest. “Can we slow down a bit?”</p><p>	Sirius seemed to pause for a moment, before coming to the same conclusion. He wanted Remus, he really did, but he’d also waited so long for this moment. There was no use rushing into things, for once Sirius knew he didn’t need to be physical with Remus to prove his affection for him. Just the two of them being together would be enough.</p><p>	Sirius rolled off of him and landed beside him on a floor with a thump and they lay in silence for a moment as they worked to catch their breath and wait for the rest of their body to settle down too.</p><p>	“I can’t believe this all started less than a month ago,” Sirius said as he stared up at the popcorn ceiling.</p><p>	“Me too.” Remus told him. “People always think of change as this being overarching thing that spans months or years. In reality, change happens in moments. The second you look at someone different. The instance your hands brush.”</p><p>	“Or the moment that you stumble across a notebook that will change your life.”</p><p>	“Exactly.” Remus said and Sirius couldn’t see him but could tell from the curve of the words that he was smiling. “You know, if you stare at this ceiling for long enough, it almost looks like stars.”</p><p>	“Show me,” Sirius said as he scooted closer so their heads were touching. </p><p>	“Maybe these ones here are the big dipper,” he said as he held his hand above them and pointed to a collection of raised ridges in the ceiling. “Oh, and these ones here are Orion’s belt. And this one here is Canis Major and that, right there, that’s Sirius, the brightest star in the sky.”</p><p>	They turned their heads so they could see each other better and Remus loved the way that Sirius' hair was splayed out behind him like an inky cloud. He leaned in to give Sirius a kiss and it was different from the ones earlier; it was soft and gentle and filled with tomorrows. Every kiss was a star, and he couldn’t want to spend forever learning how to map out their constellations. </p><p>	“Show me another,” Sirius said as he turned to look back at the ceiling. </p><p>	Remus smiled and took a moment longer to drink in the look of whimsy on Sirius’ face before turning his attention skyward too. And there, in the wreckage of the great wrapping paper war, they charted the night sky together.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hoping to have one more chapter out before the end of the day!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Secret Santa</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>One more for you today! I'm finally caught up now! Thank you to everyone who has been reading and enjoying this story. It's really helping me get through this holiday season!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sirius woke up to find Remus nestled in his arms on the couch. The tv was still playing and he realized that they must have fallen asleep before the end of the movie. It only took a quick glance at the window to realize that it was light outside. It was Christmas Eve. Sirius smiled gently as he thought about how only a few weeks ago he had dreaded this day coming and now here he was, with the gentlest and kindest person he had ever meant curled up against him. Sirius watched as Remus’ chest rose and fell softly with his breathing and took in the quiet, peaceful expression on his face.</p><p>	He slowly slipped out from under Remus’ grasp and tucked a pillow under his head to replace where he had been. He froze as Remus twisted in his sleep, but he only turned over before curling in on himself again. </p><p>	Sirius found the remote and flicked the tv off and then made his way into the kitchen. He set the kettle on the stove for tea and opened the fridge to see what he had to make for breakfast. He wished he knew the first thing about making pancakes. He’d definitely have to enlist more cooking lessons from Euphemia when she came home. For now, eggs and toast would have to do.</p><p>	He was just cracking the eggs over the pan and listening to the satisfying sizzle when he heard a loud thud come from the living room. He turned the burner down as he left the kitchen, worried that Remus might have fallen off the couch. </p><p>	Instead, he was greeted by a very soot cover James straightening himself up as he stepped out of the fireplace. He was clad in the most ridiculous, oversized Santa costume that Sirius had ever seen, and the white beard was hanging askew from his chin, which only made him look more ridiculous. The black hair that was peeking out from under the cap and his thick black glasses didn’t help the image much. Still, Sirius couldn’t help but grin and hold back laughter at the sight of James in his living room.</p><p>	“Merry Christmas!” James boomed. “I’ve come to save you from your melancholy Christmas. Consider me your secret Santa!”</p><p>	Sirius raised a finger to his lip to shush James who was already starting to complain about Sirius’ less than warm welcome, but their brotherly bickering was quickly interrupted by another voice.</p><p>	“Sirius, is that you?” </p><p>	James eyes shot to Sirius as Sirius looked to the couch where a sleepy Remus was sitting up and rubbing his eyes. </p><p>	Remus seemed to take in that there was a rumpled looking Santa Claus standing in the living room and rubbed his eyes again. “I’m still dreaming right?”</p><p>	James shot Sirius a mischievous look and Sirius groaned in reply because of course his brother would decide to appear out of nowhere without even sending him an owl.</p><p>	“James this is Remus. Remus this is my brother, James, who took it upon himself to floo in for a visit without letting me know.”</p><p>	James raised his hands defensively, dropping the sack of presents he had on the floor. “Hey, last I talked to you, you were a miserable mess who hung up on me and refused to answer my text messages. I told Mom and Dad what happened and that I wanted to come home. It took everything for me to stop them from coming with me.”	</p><p>	It was Sirius’ turn to rub his face now, frustrated with himself that in the hubbub of the last two days he hadn’t taken time to let James know he was alright. </p><p>	“Shit, sorry James I should have texted you back.”</p><p>	“No worries,” he said and glanced again at Remus before breaking out into a shit-eating grin. “So, I take it you figured out it was all a big miscommunication?”</p><p>	“Caradoc came by and explained it to me.”</p><p>	“Told you, you were being daft.” James said as he clapped him a little too hard on the back. “What’s that smell?”</p><p>	“I was making breakfast,” Sirius said with a sympathetic glance at Remus.</p><p>	Remus smiled, grateful that Sirius had let him sleep and happy that he was considerate enough to cook for them.</p><p>	“Smells delicious,” James said as he made his way into the kitchen. “I’m starving.”</p><p>	Sirius rolled his eyes and shrugged at Remus in a way that he hoped communicated “I’m so sorry but he’s family.”</p><p>	Remus simply shook his head and got up to follow Sirius into the kitchen.</p><p>	“This was not my plan for the morning.” Sirius told him as he leaned down to kiss his curls. “My brother’s not good at taking a hint.”</p><p>	“It’s alright,” Remus told him giving his hand a gentle squeeze. “Come on, let’s go have breakfast with Santa Claus.”</p><p>	They made their way into the kitchen where James was standing over the stove with his beard dangerously close to the burner as he flipped the eggs. Sirius gestured for Remus to take a seat at the table as he turned his attention back to finishing up the toast and making the tea. </p><p>	“You should write Mom and Dad. Let them know you’re doing alright. They miss you, ya know.” James said as he slid the eggs onto plates.</p><p>	“You’re right,” Sirius said. “I just didn’t want to bother them.”</p><p>	“You’re never bothering us,” James said as he wrapped his arms around his Sirius.</p><p>	“I missed you,” Sirius said.</p><p>	“Missed you too.”</p><p>	Remus looked at Sirius trapped in the arms of Santa Claus and immediately decided that he liked James.</p><p>	“So, Remus,” James said as he helped Sirius bring the plates over to the table. “Tell me everything about you. You must be pretty interesting because Sirius won’t shut up about you.”</p><p>	“James, leave him be.” Sirius said as he rolled his eyes at Remus in exasperation and poured cups of tea.</p><p>	“Fine, but I’ll have to ask him a few questions later. Gotta know whether he’s been naughty or nice.” He said as he grinned at Remus, oblivious that he was dragging his beard through his eggs. “So, now that I’m home, what do you want to do for Christmas?”</p><p>	Silence fell then as Sirius and Remus looked between each other.</p><p>	“Well,” Sirius said sheepishly. “Remus and I got talking last night and we both realized we don’t really have plans tomorrow so Remus was going to teach me to bake sugar cookies.”</p><p>	“It’s okay if you can’t Sirius.” Remus said not wanting to get in the way of him having time with his family. “You didn’t know James was coming into town.”</p><p>	“It’s alright. We’ve spent every holiday together since we were sixteen. I think we can take one year off, right James?” He shot his brother a pleading look and hoped that for once in his life James would catch his signal.</p><p>	“It’s fine.” James said. “Besides I’ll need to sleep off a night of delivering presents with my moose.”</p><p>	Remus laughed and tried not to choke on his tea. </p><p>	“It’s reindeer James, reindeer.” Sirius said as he buried his face in his hands. </p><p>	James gave him a little punch in the arm. “C’mon you’re glad to have me home for the holidays.”</p><p>	The truth was Sirius was. No matter how bad his timing or how terrible his Santa costume was, Sirius would always be happy to see James. He felt so silly now for being such a Scrooge earlier. Over the last month his dreary apartment had transformed into a bit of a Christmas tornado with the big tree in the living room, the wreckage of gift wrapping scattered everywhere, and now Santa Claus was seated at his breakfast table. He was so lucky to get to spend Christmas Eve eating breakfast with two of the people of meant the most to him. What could be more magical than that?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Christmas Cookies</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>MERRY CHRISTMAS! Get ready for some soft Christmas baking ❤️💚❤️</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sirius and Remus were standing in the kitchen of his and Lily’s apartment with their hands deep in cookie dough. </p><p>	“You should have seen what the gingerbread dough looked like the first time I tried to make it. I swear that stuff was radioactive.” Sirius said as he recounted his failed attempt at baking earlier in the month.</p><p>	Remus was doubled over with laughter as Sirius explained everything he had to use to wash the dough out of his hands before he could start over.</p><p>	“I can’t believe you didn’t just give up right then and there.”</p><p>	“Oh, believe me,” Sirius said. “I considered burning the apartment down and making a run for it. But I had a certain someone to impress, didn’t I?”</p><p>	“Yes, well your baking skills need work but it’s nothing we can’t iron out.” </p><p>	“Hey!” Sirius said and playfully hip checked Remus which only caused him to laugh more.</p><p>	Lily wandered out into the kitchen carrying her backpack with her and took in the baking explosion that had taken over their apartment. It was something that she’d gotten used to in her time living with Remus, but as long as she got her share of anything he made, she wasn’t complaining.</p><p>	“Merry Christmas!” Sirius called out to her.</p><p>	“Merry Christmas Sirius,” she said with a smile. “Remus, you’ll make sure there’s at least one batch that’s not poisonous for me to eat later?”</p><p>	“Hey!” Sirius called out with mock hurt. “I didn’t poison Remus with gingerbread, did I? He’s still standing here!”</p><p>	“Yeah,” Lily said as she fumbled through her bag looking for something. “That’s probably on account of his w- wonderfully strong stomach.” She looked up at Remus abruptly, glad that she’d caught herself before she let anything slip and shot him her best “I’m sorry” look.</p><p>	He shrugged at her in a way that she knew meant that he wasn’t mad and finally located her phone at the bottom of her bag and started to put her winter clothing on.</p><p>	“Okay, I’m going to go spend some time with a friend for a bit if you two are good here.”</p><p>	“Yep, have fun!” Remus told her as he reached up to brush his nose with the back of his hand. </p><p>	“Alright, don’t burn the place down!” She called out and waved as she headed out the door.</p><p>	“Merry Christmas!” The boys yelled at her as she left.</p><p>	After the door shut, Remus quickly turned his attention back to the dough, which was almost ready to be rolled out and cut. </p><p>	“Not curious who she’s spending Christmas with?” Sirius asked.</p><p>	“Nah, probably going to see Dorcas or something. We aren’t really the kind of friends who need to know each other’s every move.”</p><p>	“Okay,” Sirius said, but the tone he used told Remus that he knew something that he wasn’t sharing.</p><p>	“Should I know who she’s spending her Christmas?” He asked.</p><p>	Sirius shrugged and Remus shook a messy hand in his direction to get him to open up.</p><p>	“Alright, alright," Sirius said not wanting to wreck their hard work with an all-out flour war. “Once James found out we were spending the day together, he may or may not have asked her if she wanted to spend Christmas with him, and she may or may not have agreed.”</p><p>	Remus felt a slight tinge of guilt in his gut as he felt like he was gossiping behind Lily’s back. If there was something going on between her and James, he knew she’d tell him when she was ready, and he didn’t want her to think that he wouldn’t respect that. Still, he was glad that she had someone to spend her holidays with since she wasn’t big on visiting with her family, especially if her sister was going to be around. </p><p>	“I swear James followed her around for at least half of the time we were at Hogwarts.” Remus said, steering the conversation back to something that felt less conspiratorial. </p><p>	“Yeah, it was pretty hard to watch. I promise he’s calmed down a lot, but he used to practically start drooling any time someone mentioned her name.”</p><p>	“Yet you couldn’t even remember what her name was.” Remus teased.</p><p>	“I couldn’t remember what a lot of people’s names were.” </p><p>	There was a tinge of sadness to Sirius’ voice and Remus gave him a smile and a playful nudge in the side to remind him that it didn’t bother him that Sirius hadn’t remembered him. In fact, in some ways it made it easier.</p><p>	“Okay, I think we can roll this dough out now. Just put some flour down so it doesn’t stick.” He told him.</p><p>	“Yeah, I learned that the hard way with the gingerbread. Let’s just say that first batch had a lot of amputees.”</p><p>	Remus shook his head at Sirius as he picked up a measuring cup and began to shake flour over the last clear surface on the counter. But as he started to spread the dough out, his mind wandered to other things.</p><p>	Sure, it was simpler that Sirius didn’t remember him, but still Remus worried about what rumours he had heard. About what he thought when he saw Remus’ scars, if he wondered where they came from. Lily’s almost slip up earlier had got him thinking about how Sirius still didn’t know the truth about him: that he was a werewolf.</p><p>	“You’ve got something on your cheek,” Sirius said and swiped a thumb along Remus’ cheek to brush it out of the way before turning his attention back to his own blob of sugar cookie dough.</p><p>	When Sirius touched him, he wasn’t afraid. He didn’t touch him like he was worried he might break or hurt him. He touched him like it was the easiest thing in the world, like his scars weren’t even there.</p><p>	As Remus dusted his rolling pin, he realized that there was something building in him that had been rising since this whole notebook thing had started. A feeling that the truth needed to come out. It wasn’t that he had been lying to Sirius, he just hadn’t been telling him the whole truth. The odd time altering or sanitizing stories to keep out the werewolf bits but more often than not just omitting that part of his story. He was tired of always having to hide. But more importantly, he didn’t want to hide from Sirius anymore. </p><p>	“I have to tell you something,” Remus said.</p><p>	“Sure, shoot.” Sirius said as he floured his own rolling pin and started to flatten the dough. </p><p>	Remus stopped and laid his hands flat on the counter and took in a deep breath.</p><p>	“I’m a werewolf.”</p><p>	There was a beat of silence before Sirius spoke and in that moment Remus couldn’t breathe. It felt as if the whole world had slowed and that moment of not knowing was an eternity.</p><p>	“Okay,” Sirius said.</p><p>	“Okay?” Remus echoed. </p><p>	“I mean, I’ll have to do my research cause a lot of what I know comes from that crap that they taught in school. And maybe, if you’re okay with it, I could ask you some questions to fill in the gaps. And of course, we’ll have to talk about whether or not you want me around at full moons. If you don’t I understand, but I think I could handle it. I mean I want to be there for you and learn how to help and… Remus?”</p><p>	Remus stood stock still just staring at Sirius as he prattled on and continued rolling out the dough without missing a beat. There were tears forming in the corner of his eyes. </p><p>	“Are you okay?” Sirius asked, setting the rolling pin aside and reaching up a hand to lay it on Remus’ cheek.</p><p>	Remus nodded and bit down on his tongue as he squeezed his eyes tight to stop the tears from coming. He lifted one hand to hold Sirius’ in place as he leaned into the warm touch. </p><p>	He was crying because he didn’t know that it could be like this. Pure, unconditional acceptance. No need for him to give an hour-long lecture on what it means to be a werewolf. Just understanding and a commitment to learn more. </p><p>	“Is that what the scars are from?”</p><p>	Remus nodded again, not yet ready to vocalize anything he was feeling.</p><p>	“And the missing year?”</p><p>	Sirius watched as a flash of fear and pain passed through Remus’ eyes and reached out for his other hand to give him a reassuring squeeze.</p><p>	“It’s okay, we don’t have to talk about it. But maybe, one day, when you’re ready you’ll tell me about?”</p><p>	Remus smiled at him as tears ran down his cheeks.</p><p>	“Do you want to take a break?”</p><p>	“No,” Remus said, and it was the one thing he was sure of. “No, let’s keep going.”</p><p>	“Okay,” Sirius said and planted a floury kiss to his forehead and turned his attention back to rolling out the dough before rambling on about all the different shaped cookies he wanted to make.</p><p>	And Remus just basked in the normalcy of it all. Because he’d dreamed about this. The day when revealing this part of his identity didn’t require fanfare, a parade, or a long, drawn-out conversation. The day when it would just be a part of him like everything else. The day when the burden of explanation would no longer lay on his shoulders. He just never dreamed that this day would actually come true. </p><p>	He turned his attention back to his own dough and tried to settle the tremble in his hands as he got back to work.</p><p>	Sirius in the meantime was content to fill the silence with stories of pranks him and James had committed and the Christmas they tried to eat all their chocolate in one sitting and ended up horribly ill. It wasn’t that he didn’t recognized how monumental what Remus had shared with him was. It was just that it didn’t matter to him, obviously it was important in the sense that he wanted to know all of Remus and if he was struggling Sirius would want to be there to help him, but it didn’t matter when Sirius thought about who Remus was. Remus was just Remus. His Moony. Nothing was going to change that. He wanted to show Remus that nothing was going to change that.</p><p>	They finished rolling out the dough and cutting their cookies. Remus stuck with the traditional Christmas shapes but every time he turned around Sirius was transfiguring the cutters into something new, whether it was a hippogriff, a flying snitch, or what Sirius informed him was a cookie shaped like Remus’ perfect ass. Sirius seemed to have a limitless number of ideas for what he wanted to make.</p><p>	While the cookies baked, they made the icing and separated it into different bowls before Remus cast a quick spell to have them shift to each be a different colour. Sirius seemed to consider this cheating at Muggle baking and looked at him with shock.</p><p>	Remus shrugged. “Food colouring is too expensive.”</p><p>	And Sirius laughed at what was the most reasonable explanation he’d ever heard. </p><p>	Many sugary kisses later, after the cookies were decorated and they both changed into clothing that was not covered in flour, cookie dough, or icing, they curled up on the couch to enjoy the fruits of their labour in front of the fireplace.</p><p>	“Not bad,” Sirius said as he took a bite of a cookie that he had buried in icing and sprinkles.</p><p>	“Can you even taste the cookie under all of that?” Remus asked.</p><p>	“Does it matter?” Sirius replied. </p><p>	Remus chuckled and snuggled in closer to him, trying to take in all of his warmth.</p><p>	“Can I ask you something?” Sirius said, as he finished his cookie and checked his hand for leftover icing before running it through Remus’ hair.</p><p>	“Mhm,” Remus mumbled as he closed his eyes and focused on the soft feel of Sirius’ fingers as they tugged gently at his curls.</p><p>	“Is that why you picked the name Moony? Because you’re a werewolf?”</p><p>	Remus paused to think about it. That night that he had stood under the stars with Sirius’ snitch in his hand simultaneously felt like yesterday and months ago. At the time he had been thinking about being a werewolf, about silver and moonlight. While he had picked the name as a way to honour this beautiful thing that brought out such monstrosity in him, maybe some small part of him felt like if he acknowledged that part of himself in his chosen name, he wouldn’t be completely lying about who he was. Maybe in some subconscious way, Remus had always wanted Sirius to know.</p><p>	“Maybe,” Remus said. “When I was little, I used to really hate the moon. As I got older, I realized it wasn’t right to blame something so wonderful for something that I couldn’t control. I think borrowing its name was my way of trying to apologize for feeling so angry at it for so many years.”</p><p>	Remus felt Sirius’ head move as he nodded and was so grateful for the way that he just understood.</p><p>	“I still love you,” Sirius said. “Knowing this doesn’t change that.”</p><p>	Part of Remus wanted to argue, the way he always did, that Sirius didn’t know the full extent of how his condition impacted his life, or that he might change his mind in the future. And maybe it was because his head was leaning on Sirius chest so he could feel his steady heartbeat, or maybe it was all the sugar in his veins, or maybe it was just because it was Christmas, but for once Remus decided to believe him without questioning at all.</p><p>	“Merry Christmas Sirius.”</p><p>	“Merry Christmas Moony.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope all of you who celebrate Christmas had a nice day today, or as wonderful as it can be under the circumstances as I know the holiday season can be a difficult time of year. I've definitely had my ups and downs this past week. For those of you who don't celebrate, I still hope you had a great day and got to take some time for yourself 🥰</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Snow Shovel</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had snowed through most of Christmas and into Boxing Day. The heavy flakes were still falling steadily by the time that Sirius got up. Sirius didn’t mind the snow. He was probably one of the few people who actually enjoyed it. There was something about it. It just felt like it was washing everything clean. </p><p>	He bundled himself up in his winter coat and tugged on his good boots before grabbing an old pair of mittens. He had been wearing the ones from Remus almost religiously, but he didn’t want to risk ruining them with salt. </p><p>	The apartment building used to hire a maintenance company to clear the walkway in front of the building and take down the banks left by the sidewalk snowplow, but they could never be relied on to show up until most of the snow had already melted or another storm had made the job harder. Sirius had volunteered at their last tenants meeting to take over the job of shovelling. It wasn’t that hard, and the walkway wasn’t too big. Besides Sirius enjoyed the work, the steady push and pull of the manual labour helped him clear his mind.</p><p>	He made his way down to the lobby and grabbed the old metal shovel from the maintenance cupboard. He’d come back for the salt once he’d gotten the snow out of the way. He then stepped out into the brisk winter morning and set to work, listening to the steady scrap of the shovel along the ground.</p><p>	He had gotten home late last night. He was sure Remus would have let him stay over, but they both knew that it was good for them to spend some time apart. Sirius had stayed up until the early hours of the morning reading about werewolves. He’d found a decent forum on the magical web for those who had lycanthropy and their supporters. </p><p>	He had known everything they had taught him in school was wrong, but he didn’t realize just how wrong it had been. The stories of loss and discrimination he had read were heart wrenching. Families who left their kids out in the cold, partners who walked away when they found out, employers that refused accommodation and fired employees without just cause. It was easy to understand why Remus had been so scared to tell him, but it hurt to know that he had grown up in a world that made him feel that his life was less than.</p><p>	Underneath Sirius anger at the unjust treatment, was a hollow sadness, a wish that he could take away all the pain. That no one else would have to feel like they had to hide that part of themselves. That no one else would have to believe that it was a part of themselves not worth loving. </p><p>	Sirius wanted to ask Remus more about it. He wanted to try to understand what it had been like for him growing up, try to help him hold and ease some of the pain of the past, but he didn’t want to push too hard. After all, they’d only started spending time with each other in person a few days ago. Still, Sirius felt that in some way his heart had known Remus forever. That all this time he had been searching for him and when he finally stumbled into his life there had been a settling in his bones, a feeling of “there you are” and “this is home.”</p><p>	Perhaps it was because Sirius’ mind was occupied with other things or the fact that it had been a particularly brutal snowfall after a flash freeze, but either way Sirius didn’t see the patch of ice until it was too late. </p><p>	His boots searched for traction for a moment before slipping away from him and sending him flying in the air. The shovel flew from his hand and landed on the ground with a loud clatter. There was a brief moment when he was airborne that Sirius tried to remember which way you were supposed to fall to protect your body. He tried to twist at the last moment, so he’d land more squarely on his bum, but it was too late, and he came down hard on the shovel with a sickening crunch. His hip made contact first and Sirius was almost certain that he’d heard it fracture. His arm was next as he tried to catch himself, but it caught the edge of the metal blade and sent pain radiating all the way up to his shoulder blade.</p><p>	He lay dazed on the ground for a moment before seeming to understand that he was out in the cold with the snow coming down and if he didn’t move, they wouldn’t find him until spring. He reached instinctively for his wand before remembering that he’d left it on his nightstand, right next to his phone. He rarely brought his cellphone outside when shovelling. He didn’t need it and the cold drained the battery. He briefly considered apparating but didn’t trust that he could do it without his wand and not splinch himself.</p><p>	Okay, he thought to himself. How am I going to get out of this mess? In a slow, agonizing movement, he rolled so he was on his belly and used his good side to army crawl his way towards the edge of the building. When he’d reached the brick he flipped back over, catching his hip in a weird way and gritting his teeth against the jolt of pain, before propping himself up against the cold stone. </p><p>	The apartment building had an awning, so at least he had some shelter from the cold. He had his keys, but knew that there was no way he’d be able to stand on his leg for long enough to get to the door, open it, and get inside the building, let alone up to his apartment. He’d have to wait, which was what scared him. He knew at least three of their neighbours were out of town for the holidays, and many of the others had plans for Christmas and Boxing Day. The chances of someone coming home anytime soon were rare. </p><p>	That left James. He’d left a note this morning telling Sirius he’d gone out for breakfast with Lily, but Sirius had no idea when he’d left or if he’d be back anytime soon. The two of them could decide to see a movie or something afterwards and then he’d really be stuck. Maybe Remus would come by, but Sirius was sure he’d would text to ask if it was okay first. Hopefully, if James never appeared, Remus would get worried enough about Sirius’ silence and come looking for him. </p><p>	It was an over an hour later that James finally came home. By that time Sirius was shivering from the cold and every tremble of his body only made the pain in his hip and arm worse. His eyelids felt stiff and frozen and his cheeks were beyond cold. He wished he had bundled up tighter, but the truth was he was only supposed to be outside for half an hour tops. Now here he was, with his fingers numb, as cold blew through the holes that his gloves had collected over the years. </p><p>	James was whistling when he came home and Sirius was sure he was imagining the sound at first, but then he saw him round the corner, and apart from that night Sirius had shown up with nothing but his wand and the clothes on his back on his doorstep, Sirius didn’t think he’d ever been happier to see him.</p><p>The second James lay eyes on Sirius’ crumpled form he was dropping his takeout container in the snow and running to his side. </p><p>	“Sirius, holy shit, Sirius! Are you okay, what happened?” He took in the blue tinge on Sirius cheeks and noted that even through Sirius’ coat that his left arm looked wrong.</p><p>	“Fell,” Sirius managed to spit out through chattering teeth. </p><p>	“Can you walk?” </p><p>Sirius shook his head and tried to gesture towards his hip. </p><p>“Okay,” James said, and Sirius could see the gears turning in his head as he tried to figure out the best way to get them out of this. He glanced around the street and realized it was just as deserted as it had been earlier. “I’m going to help you up and then we’re going to apparate to St. Mungo’s.”</p><p>Sirius nodded as tears started to sting behind his eyes. He hadn’t realized how scared he was until James was here. The whole time he’d been sitting on the cold ground he’d tried to be positive, tried to think of warm things like Remus’ smile or James’ laugh, but under all of that had been a dark voice that told him: “You’re going to die out here. Alone. Like you always knew you would.”</p><p>The tears came harder now, both from the pain as James looped his arm under Sirius and helped him stand on his uninjured leg, and from joy at having James here beside him.</p><p>“I’m so sorry.” Sirius said. </p><p>“What the hell do you have to be sorry for mate?”</p><p>“Ruin… your… visit.” </p><p>“You’d only ruin my visit if you froze to death in the snow. Now come on, let’s get you to St. Mungo’s before it gets any colder.”</p><p>James took one last look around to make sure no one was looking. Then he took his out wand and the two of them disappeared with a pop.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Remus' turn to show Sirius how loved he is next 💜</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. Winter Wonderland</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Editing this chapter was a mess. I swear I completely forgot how grammar worked when writing it. I've combed over it a few times but I apologize if there's any errors I missed.</p><p>Content warning for mild mention of past parental abuse</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>James sat in a chair next to Sirius' bed. Even though the healers had assured him that he got there just in time and that he would make a full recovery, he still felt guilty. It was something that came from growing up around Sirius. Every bruise he couldn’t stop, every awful letter from his family, James just wished he could take it all away. That he could always be there in time for all of Sirius’ wounds to heal fully.</p><p>	Sirius' eyelashes fluttered as he came to slowly and saw James before taking in where he was.</p><p>	“Hey, Siri, do you remember what happened?”</p><p>	“Fell and the cold.” Sirius whispered. “What’s broken?”</p><p>	“You’ve got a bad fracture in your pelvis and your arm is broken too. They gave you some Skele-Gro already but said you’ll need a second dose in a bit just to be sure. A couple potions for frost bite, something to help you sleep, and then they wanted to monitor you for a concussion.”</p><p>	Sirius nodded along as James prattled off all the symptoms. He could remember being outside and James finding him but everything after that was a bit of a blur.</p><p>	“Can’t believe I broke my hip shovelling snow like an old lady,” Sirius said with a teasing grin.</p><p>	James chuckled. He knew Sirius was doing okay if he was up to making jokes, but he’d always wonder if he was just deflecting from what was bothering him.</p><p>	“Listen mate-“ James started but he was interrupted by a soft knock at the door.</p><p>	“Hope I’m not interrupting,” Remus said.</p><p>	“Not at all,” James said. “I’m glad you’re here. I need to go give our parents a call anyways.”</p><p>	He got up to leave the room and gave Remus a squeeze on the shoulder on the way out.</p><p>	Remus went and took up James’ post next to Sirius.</p><p>	“Hi,” Sirius said sleepily.</p><p>	“Hi, James told me what happened. Are you alright?” He asked as he brushed a loose strand of Sirius' hair out of his face for him. </p><p>	“Not bad. Forgot that Skele-Gro tastes like goblin piss though. I haven’t had any since I was still playing Quidditch.”</p><p>	“You get used to the taste of it after a while.” Remus told him.</p><p>	Sirius wrinkled his face in disgust. “Just how much Skele-Gro have you drunk Remus?”</p><p>	“Probably enough to drown a few small animals.” It wasn’t uncommon for Remus to need Skele-Gro after a full moon, especially after the bad ones where his bones would grate together as they transformed back wrong. </p><p>	Remus watched Sirius' face tense and he worried that he’d crossed a line.</p><p>	“It’s fine Sirius. I don’t mind joking about it really. It helps it all feel a little more normal.”</p><p>	Sirius nodded slowly, knowing exactly what he meant. </p><p>	Before Remus could say anything else, James was bursting back into the room with Euphemia and Fleamont Potter right behind him.</p><p>	“Sorry,” James tried to offer as explanation. “They insisted on coming home immediately.”</p><p>	“Well, I’m sorry I want to take care of my son,” Euphemia said, and Remus moved out the way that she could take up the seat beside him. She ran a loving hand over Sirius’ cheek and then took a disapproving look around the plain hospital room.</p><p>	“Oh, this just won’t do,” she said as she pulled out her wand and started to wave it around the bare room.  </p><p>	As she cast spells, little decorative snowman appeared over every surface with fake snow covering tables and shimmering icicles dripping off the edges. Little woodland animals appeared in every corner and Remus could have sworn that they moved and blinked if you looked at them for long enough. Snow laden branches grew out of nowhere and she ran blue glimmering lights around the edge of the ceiling. Finally, she finished the whole thing off with actual snow that seemed to float through the room.</p><p>	“There,” she said looking approvingly at her work. “Much more festive.”</p><p>	“Mom, maybe the falling snow isn’t such a great idea when the bloke almost froze to death.” James told her and Sirius laughed. He hadn’t realized how much he’d missed their banter.</p><p>	“Right,” she said and with one last wave of her wand turned the snowflakes into ornate paper ones that dangled from the ceiling.</p><p>With that problem taken care of, Sirius’ family set off in a tizzy of preparations and rituals before he could even say hello. Euphemia was adding more blankets to Sirius’ bed and asking if he needed anything else, Fleamont was asking every available doctor a million questions about Sirius’ condition, and James was arguing with both them about everything. Every once in a while, Sirius would catch Remus’ eye in the corner of the room and roll his eyes in exasperation, but Remus could tell from the smile on his face that he wasn’t really bothered by their company.</p><p>	But then as if a dam had broken, Sirius started crying, deep racking sobs that seem to shake his whole chest. Euphemia was sitting at his bedside in a flash, running her fingers through his hair to calm him down and Fleamont was getting him a glass of water. They were both whispering sweet nothings to him about how everything was going to be okay, about how much they loved him, about how he would always be their sweet, darling boy.</p><p>Remus felt as if he’d interrupted something sacred and slipped carefully out of the room so that he wouldn’t disturb them. But James caught him leaving and hurried after him.</p><p>“Remus,” he called out once he had reached the hallway.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Remus said, stopping to face him. “I just didn’t want to interrupt or intrude.”</p><p>James nodded and Remus noticed how tired he looked. How upset and beaten down he was about this whole incident and it hit him again in the chest, the understanding that James loved Sirius so deeply and unconditionally, but this time Remus could see how much it hurt James that Sirius couldn’t see that. </p><p>James let out a heavy sigh and tugged a hand through his hair. “Family is... complicated for Sirius. He has a really hard time accepting that people are here.”</p><p>Remus nodded, knowing how hard it was to let people in, to be vulnerable and allow them to see your pain.</p><p>“But I know, even if he can’t always say it, that it means a lot to him that we’re here.”</p><p>Remus wasn’t sure if James was trying to reassure him or himself.</p><p>“Stay?” James said his eyes exhausted and pleading. “I know it would mean a lot to him.”</p><p>“Okay.” Remus said and started to head back into the room.</p><p>As he passed James, the boy reached out and tugged Remus into a bruising hug.</p><p>“I’m so glad that he has you.” James whispered to Remus.</p><p>Remus’ heart clenched as he got over his surprise and reached out to hug James back.</p><p>“Thanks for taking care of him.” He told him and hoped that he knew that he wasn’t just referring to finding him and getting him to St. Mungo’s.</p><p>James pulled out of the hug and lifted his glasses so he could wipe the tears from his eyes. “Fuck, I promised myself that all four of us couldn’t be crying.”</p><p>“It’s okay,” Remus told him and then because he knew James needed to hear it. “I know he loves you more than he has the words for.”</p><p>James smiled and punched Remus lightly in the arm. “You’re supposed to be helping me to stop crying, you git.”</p><p>Remus simply smiled at him, refusing to apologize for saying the truth, and the two of them headed back into the hospital room. </p><p>“James,” his mom said the second they walked back into the room. “Will you help me take our things back home? I could use a hand unpacking.”</p><p>“Oh no, you don’t. If you unpack my suitcase, I’ll never find anything again,” Fleamont replied.</p><p>Soon there was bickering between them about who would go and who would stay at the hospital and the familiarity of it all made Remus miss his parents more.</p><p>“I can stay.” Remus said, breaking through the din of their chatter. Everyone seemed to turn at once to look at him. “You should all go and unpack, and I’ll stay with him. I have James’ number so I can call you if anything happens.”</p><p>There was a pause for a moment but then Euphemia nodded curtly in a way that told Remus she approved. He got the feeling that she was the one in control of this family.</p><p>With a flurry of thank yous and more bickering the three Potters managed to make their way out of the hospital room and the silence that followed allowed Remus to breathe a little more deeply.</p><p>Sirius had fallen asleep again and Remus was more than content to just sit with him for a bit. He tugged his phone out to update Lily on everything that was going on and then just sat and watched the gentle rise and fall of Sirius’ chest. The way that when his breath came out it caused his hair to flutter slightly.</p><p>Shortly after that there was a knock at the door and a nurse came in with Sirius’ next dose of Skele-Gro. They woke him up gently, but when she handed him the smoking cup, he gave them both a look of disgust.</p><p>“Squeeze my hand,” Remus told him. “Just focus on that and not the taste of goblin piss.”</p><p>The nurse let out a little giggle at that and watched as Sirius took back the Skele-Gro like it was shot of cheap liquor. He shook his head afterwards as if he could shake the taste from his mouth. Remus handed him his water, guiding the straw to his mouth so he could rinse the taste out. </p><p>The nurse finished up checking Sirius’ vitals and then left them alone again. </p><p>“My family gone?” Sirius asked.</p><p>“Just for a bit. They’ve gone to unpack.”</p><p>Sirius nodded slowly. “Come lie with me?” He said as he shimmied over so that Remus could squeeze onto the hospital bed. </p><p>Remus obliged, turning on his side so that he could face Sirius so he wouldn’t have to move. The bed was so small that their foreheads practically touched.</p><p>“Hi,” Sirius said as he smiled at Remus and with him so close Remus could see that his eyes were still a little red and puffy from crying.</p><p>“Hi. Are you okay?”</p><p>“Don’t worry about me Remus, I’ll be right as rain soon.”</p><p>“I meant with your family. You seemed a bit… overwhelmed there.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Sirius said as he looked down at where he was tracing Remus hand with the fingers of his injured hand. Slow and steady so as to not move his cast.</p><p>“Does that happen a lot?” Remus asked. “Like at that first Christmas with them you told me about?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Sirius said, still not meeting Remus’ eyes. “My family, my biological family, they could be very physical in their showing of how they disapproved of me. I don’t think they liked me much to begin with, getting sorted into Gryffindor was the last straw.</p><p>“I’d come back from the holidays pretty beat up sometimes. One night, I just couldn’t take it anymore. So, when they were done with me, I ran, left behind my brother and everything. I showed up at James’ with nothing but my wand and the clothes I was wearing. Been there ever since.</p><p>“They’re good to me, the Potters, and I know they’re my real family. But sometimes, I can’t shake the feeling that they my biological family was right. That I don’t deserve to be loved. That I don’t deserve any of this. Any of you.”</p><p>	Remus kissed his forehead. “You deserve to be loved Sirius. I need you to know that loving you isn’t a chore. It’s like breathing for me. I don’t know how I got by without it. But I’ll tell you as many times as you need to hear it and I know James and your parents will too. You deserve to be loved. You are worthy of love. What your parents did to you, you didn’t deserve that, none of what they did was your fault. None of this is your fault.”</p><p>	Tears had come back to Sirius’ eyes and Remus simply lay with him and brushed his hair out of the way and tried to keep the darkness at bay.</p><p>	Eventually Sirius spoke, smiling at him sleepily. “I think my mum may have went a little overboard with the decorating though. It looks like Jack Frost threw up in here.”</p><p>	Remus laughed. “I don’t know, I think it’s kind of sweet. It’s like your own personal winter wonderland.”</p><p>	Euphemia returned with James a little while later and they stood in the doorway looking at Remus and Sirius’ sleeping forms. </p><p>	“Are you sure that the kiss was a whole misunderstanding?” Euphemia asked her son, knowing, as she always had, that she would do anything to protect Sirius from more pain.</p><p>	“Yes,” James told her. “Remus would never knowingly hurt Sirius.”</p><p>	“I can see that.” </p><p>	James followed his mother’s eyes to where she was looking. Remus had moved over to the other side of the bed, so he could curl himself around Sirius better as they slept. But before doing that, he’d taken off his hoodie and bundled it up so it lay as a barrier between Sirius’ broken arm and Remus’. And that’s when James knew that everything was going to be okay.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Protect them at all costs.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0028"><h2>28. Sweater</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>We've officially hit the 60k mark!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sirius was allowed to go home the next morning after the healers had made sure that there were no signs of a concussion. They gave him some ointment to put on his hip and arm and another potion to make sure there was no lingering joint pain or weakness. For the most part, he was good as new. He just needed to go gentle on his body for the next few days. </p><p>	Of course, that didn’t stop the Potters from smothering him with care and concern. He had missed his parents dearly, but after the last twenty-four hours he’d become a little tired of having to remind them he was an adult now and could take care of himself. Euphemia had scoffed at that and said he would never stop being her child. He had finally managed to convince them to go and get some rest and food after promising to update them if there were any concerns and to meet them for breakfast tomorrow. He’d sent James along with them and gratefully had an opportunity to finally have a quiet moment alone with Remus.</p><p>	They had decided to watch Home Alone and were cuddled together on the couch under piles of blankets. They had only made it about halfway through before Remus had fallen asleep on Sirius. He didn’t mind. It was nice to be able to worry about someone else. All of the attention that he’d gotten over his injury was enough to last him for a year. Besides he had noticed that Moony had seemed tired lately. He’d caught him in the kitchen earlier with a vice grip on the counter when he was supposed to be making tea. When he asked if he was okay, Remus had quickly schooled his pained expression into one of calm. Sirius hoped that he wasn’t getting sick and if a nap was what he needed to fight off this bug then he definitely deserved it.</p><p>	There were about ten minutes left in the film when Sirius felt Remus’ stirring next to him.</p><p>	“How long was I out for?” He mumbled as he rubbed his eyes groggily.</p><p>	“Long enough for Macaulay Culkin to outwit and maim a bunch of burglars.”</p><p>	“Sorry,” Remus said. “I know you wanted to watch it together.”</p><p>	“It’s alright.” Sirius said, wrapping his good arm around him protectively. “Are you feeling okay lately? You seem a little off.”</p><p>	Remus sat up and grinned at Sirius. “Yeah, just tired.”</p><p>	Sirius didn’t believe him but decided not to push it. </p><p>	“You want to stay for a bit or are you thinking of heading home?”</p><p>	“Probably should head home before I end up sleepwalking back, if you’ll be alright on your own?”</p><p>	Sirius chuckled. “You sound like my family. It was a few broken bones, I’ll live.”</p><p>	“Okay,” Remus said with a soft smile. He knew what it was like to feel tired of being treated like a patient. “Just asking.” </p><p>	Sirius smiled and tugged Remus closer to him, wondering if he should have dreamt up something he needed help with so that he’d stay a little longer. </p><p>	“If you keep stroking my hair like that, I’m gonna fall asleep again.” Remus said, already fighting against his heavy eyelids. </p><p>	“Maybe that’s my master plan.”</p><p>	“You villain,” Remus teased. </p><p>	They fell into a comfortable silence for a while and that was one of the things they both loved about the other. When they were together there were no expectations, no need to prove themselves or feel like they needed to fill the space, they could simply just be with each other and it would be enough.</p><p>	“Oh,” Remus said. “I almost forgot. I got you something.” He extracted himself from the couch with some difficulty, coiling one of the blankets around him for warmth as he went to find his bag. He came back a few minutes later with a beautifully wrapped gift complete with a bow. He handed it to Sirius and settled back down on the couch beside him. “We didn’t really get to do Christmas presents so I wanted to get you something small.”</p><p>	“You didn’t have to do that, Moons.” Sirius said as he admired the care that Remus had put into the gift wrapping.</p><p>	“I know,” Remus said, loving the way that his nickname sounded coming from Sirius’ mouth. Every time he thought he couldn’t love him more he’d slip that name into a conversation and Remus would find himself falling hard all over again. “But I wanted to. Go ahead and open it.”</p><p>	Sirius pulled the bow off first and stuck it firmly within Remus’ curls.</p><p>	“Look it’s my Christmas gift!” Sirius exclaimed and pulled Remus in for a kiss.</p><p>	Remus chuckled against his lips. “Very funny, now come on, I really want you to open it.”</p><p>	Sirius obliged and finished tugging off the rest of the paper to reveal a Cheerios box.</p><p>	“Cereal? You shouldn’t have.”</p><p>	Remus rolled his eyes, thinking of the way that one of his cousin’s always had to make a joke like that at his family Christmas. “It’s just the box, you nut. Now open it up.”</p><p>	Sirius grinned and instead of going for the flaps proceeded to rip the cardboard in half. He then reached inside and tugged out the present.</p><p>	“I may have cheated a bit with the knitting and sewing since I didn’t have much time and it’s lined so it won’t be itchy, but you don’t have to wear it if you don’t like it.”</p><p>	Sirius unfolded the fabric and held up a red knitted sweater that depicted a snowy scene. There was a full moon hanging in the night sky and soft snowflakes drifting down over the ground and in the centre of it all was a black dog. </p><p>	“I love it,” Sirius said and immediately tugged it over his head. </p><p>	“You haven’t even seen the best part yet.” Remus said and leaned in close to Sirius like he was going to give him a kiss but stopped at the last moment. “Merry Christmas Padfoot.” He said and then he pulled back and Sirius followed his eyes to the sweater, where the black dog was now galloping in circles around Sirius’ torso. </p><p>	“It’ll do that anytime someone says Padfoot. You said you were a bit like a dog, and I figured that’s where the name came from. Plus, if you’re going to keep calling me Moony or Moons, I want an excuse to get to call you Padfoot.”</p><p>	“It’s perfect,” Sirius said as he gave Remus a soft kiss on the cheek, grinning as he watched him blush sheepishly. </p><p>	“I’m glad you like it.”</p><p>	Sirius stared down at the happy dog as he wagged his tail for another moment before he suddenly remembered that he hadn’t given Remus his present yet.</p><p>	“Shit Rems, I haven’t had a chance to finish your present yet. I was supposed to get it done yesterday but what with my fall and everything…” He trailed off, feeling embarrassed that he didn’t have something to give him now in return.</p><p>	“You got me something?” Remus said and Sirius' heart warmed at the surprise in his voice. Of course, Remus would be the person that would put together a thoughtful gift for someone and expect nothing in return.</p><p>	“Of course. Is it okay if I bring it by tomorrow?”</p><p>	“Sure!” Remus said but then seemed to pause as if he was remembering something.</p><p>	“If you’re busy we can totally do it another time.” Sirius added quickly, not wanting him to feel bad.</p><p>	“No, it’s just… don’t worry about it. Tomorrow is perfect.”</p><p>	“Awesome, I’ll see you then.”</p><p>	Remus nodded and stood up to get ready to go home. The second he was on his feet he seemed to stumble and then double over as if in pain before catching himself. </p><p>	Sirius reached out a hand instinctively to steady him. “You sure you’re okay?”</p><p>	“Yeah, I think I’m just really overtired. I’ll be okay after a goodnights sleep.”</p><p>	“Okay,” Sirius said not really believing him. “Text me when you get home okay? I don’t want you falling asleep halfway there. I’d walk you but I’m not supposed to do that much with my hip yet.”</p><p>	“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be alright,” Remus told him as he made his way to the door and put on his boots while Sirius found his coat.</p><p>	Sirius held his jacket out for him, and Remus slipped into it carefully. He could have imagined it, but he was sure he felt Remus tremble slightly as his hands brushed against his back.</p><p>	If he was feeling poorly, Remus hid it well because when he turned around to say goodbye he was smiling and gave Sirius one last kiss before glancing down at his sweater again. </p><p>“Goodnight Padfoot.” He said and watched the dog jump up eagerly and then roll over in the snow before he waved goodbye to Sirius and headed out the door.</p><p>	After he was gone, Sirius went to put the ointment on and finish off the last of the potions. He was in the midst of brushing his teeth when he got Remus’ text that he was home safe. Sirius was glad he had gotten back okay. Maybe tomorrow after breakfast he’d go home with his mom and get her to show him how to make her famous chicken soup. If Remus was coming down with something, Sirius wanted to be able to help warm him up and make him feel better. </p><p>But despite Remus’ reassurances, Sirius couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something else that Remus wasn’t telling him. He shook his head at himself in the darkness. He was probably just being paranoid. </p><p>	He stripped out of his pyjamas and climbed into bed. The potion had made him sleepy and despite his concern, he drifted off quickly. He slept soundly through the night and dreamt of a black dog playing under the full moon.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>My heart is both happy and sad as we come up to the last few chapters. I finally have the rest of the fic mapped out and I can't wait to write it and share it with you all!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0029"><h2>29. Quilt</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I think it's finally hit me that I only have two chapters left after this one. As tiring as writing a chapter a day can be, I don't think I'm ready to say goodbye to this world yet.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sirius woke up early the next day and noticed that his arm and hip which had still felt a little fuzzy the day before felt even better now. The ointment and potion must have done exactly what they were supposed to. He pulled out his phone and sent Remus a good morning text before messaging Marlene to make plans to finish Remus’ gift, and then texting James to confirm where they were having brunch together.</p><p>	A few hours and a steaming stack of pancakes later, Sirius was standing in the kitchen with his mom working on the chicken soup. The way she lit up when Sirius had asked for her help, you would have thought that she’d won the lottery.</p><p>	She had Sirius chopping vegetables while she turned the chicken over in a frying pan on the stove. Sirius wasn’t quite sure why she happened to have all the ingredients lying around considering she’d just gotten back from vacation, but he decided to put it off as some kind of parental magic.</p><p>	“So, this Remus,” she asked. “You really like him, don’t you?”</p><p>	The smile that crossed his face when she said his name was answer enough.</p><p>	“We have to have dinner together sometime so you can meet him more formally. But he’s the sweetest, mom. He knows just what to say to make me feel better if I’m having a rough day and he’s so kind and caring to everyone around him. He’s the kind of person that wants to make the world better and then actually tries to do so with the way he lives his life. And the way I feel around him… I’ve never felt like this before. It’s like I can’t remember what life was like before him.” Sirius paused and then seemed to find a phrase that encompassed everything he felt about Remus. “He feels like home.”</p><p>	“No wonder you were willing to try baking to impress him.” Euphemia teased.</p><p>	“Hey,” Sirius said raising his hands defensively. “My cooking skills aren’t that bad.”</p><p>	“Honey, I would have had those vegetables done ages ago.” She said with a sly smile. With Euphemia Sirius knew that the little jabs and jokes weren’t real. That they were simply another way for her to communicate her love for him. With Walburga they had been meant to sting, and the memory of just how badly they burned always seemed to hit him at the worst times.</p><p>	Sirius turned his attention back to his chopping, not wanting to lose a finger and have another trip to St. Mungo’s in one week.</p><p>	“And that kiss?” She asked the rest of her question hanging in the open air. </p><p>	“It was just a misunderstanding. I shouldn’t have rushed to conclusions.”</p><p>	“I know, but the way James talked about it… you sounded so upset.”</p><p>	“It’s really fine Mom,” he said, surprising himself with how defensive he sounded. “The guy kissed Remus, but he didn’t want it. It was the wrong place, wrong time. I know Remus would never actually have done something like that. I was just too upset in the moment to see it.”</p><p>	She nodded before letting out a soft sigh as she dug around in the cupboard looking for a bouillon cube. </p><p>	“I’m sorry if I push too hard Sirius.” She told him as she added the cube and water to a large pot. “I don’t want to be one of those parents that thinks they can dictate everything in their child’s life. It’s just with everything you went through… I wish I could have protected you earlier. Maybe it’s me trying to make up for that guilt or maybe it’s my mom instinct, but I just don’t want to see you hurt like that ever again. You’ve had enough pain for one lifetime.”</p><p>	“I know Mom. I know you and Dad and James would take it all away if you could, but you’ve given me more than enough. You’ve given me a family – a real family.” He paused and she knew in that moment that he was thinking of Regulus, that he often was. “I know there will be more pain in my lifetime, but I can get through it because of you. You don’t have to worry about Remus. I mean I’m sure eventually we’ll have our fights and our disagreements, but he makes me so happy. I know that having him by my side will make whatever pain I have to go through easier.”</p><p>	She smiled and maybe it was her mother’s intuition but there was something in Sirius’ voice that told her that this was the one. That maybe she could rest a little easier at night knowing that Sirius would always have Remus at his side. </p><p>	“We’ll have to him over for dinner soon then.”</p><p>	“Of course, I know you guys are going to love him. Especially Dad, I’m sure the two of them could talk books all day.”</p><p>	Euphemia laughed. “Oh no, your father doesn’t need more excuses for that.”</p><p>	Sirius chuckled. She was right. Fleamont would find any excuse to discuss literary theory or textual analysis and once he got started it was almost impossible to stop him.</p><p>	“Now,” she said as she took the cutting board from Sirius and dumped the vegetables in the pot. “What’s with James and this red head?”</p><p> </p><p>	Sirius knocked on Remus’ door, balancing a container of soup and his gift in one hand. He heard soft footsteps on the other side before Lily tugged the door open. </p><p>	“Hi Sirius,” she said with a smile. “Remus mentioned you’d be dropping by.”</p><p>	“Hope you don’t mind having me around all the time,” Sirius said as he stepped into the apartment so Lily could shut the door. </p><p>	“Not at all. Honestly, this whole notebook idea worked out better than I planned.”</p><p>	“It was your idea?”</p><p>	Lily nodded and gave him a coy smile.</p><p>	“While I guess I owe you a debt of gratitude.”</p><p>	She laughed, “Oh believe me, you’ve already paid me back in full.”</p><p>	He was just about to ask her how Remus was doing, before he walked into the kitchen. He looked worse than when Sirius had seen him yesterday. His face seemed ashen and gaunt and he seemed to move slowly as if each step required all of his focus.</p><p>	Still, he lit up when he saw Sirius and went to help free up his hands so he could take his jacket off.</p><p>	“Chicken noodle soup,” Sirius said as he handed the container over to him and set the gift on the floor for now. “My mom and I made it this morning. Thought you might be coming down with something with how tired you’ve been lately.”</p><p>	“Thank you,” Remus said, ignoring Sirius’ unspoken question. “I’ll go and heat up two bowls for us. Do you want any tea?”</p><p>	“I’m okay for now, thanks though.”</p><p>	Lily followed Remus into the kitchen and Sirius saw her whisper something to him. She then gave him a reassuring squeeze before disappearing into her room. It made Sirius nervous, there was something about all of this that didn’t sit right with him. </p><p>	Sirius picked up the gift and headed to the couch to wait for Remus who came in shortly after with a bowl in each hand. There was a definite tremble to his hands as he walked into the living room and set the bowls on the coffee table. He almost seemed to heave a sigh of relief as he let himself sink into the couch.</p><p>	“How was breakfast with your family?” </p><p>	“It was great,” Sirius said as he picked up one of the bowls. “Had a really nice chat with my Mom afterwards. She wants me to have you over for dinner sometime soon.”</p><p>	“That would be lovely,” Remus said as he picked up his bowl too. “I hadn’t really planned on meeting them in a hospital room.”</p><p>	“What can I say?” Sirius grinned. “I like to keep life interesting.”</p><p>	They sat and ate their soup and chatted for a bit. Sirius noticed that Remus almost seemed to be bracing himself for each mouthful. Moving it slowly onto the spoon and then into his mouth before swallowing it down. Usually, Sirius would blame it on his cooking, but the soup tasted more than fine to him. </p><p>	When Sirius set his bowl down after finishing, Remus took it as his cue to do the same and Sirius noticed that it was still more than half full.</p><p>	“That bad?” Sirius asked.</p><p>	“No, not at all! I just ate before you came that’s all.”</p><p>	“Okay,” Sirius said and tried to ignore the weight of whatever was hanging unspoken between them. “Oh! Your gift,” he said as he reached for the package and handed it over to Remus.</p><p>	Remus laughed when he saw the mangled wrapping paper and the fact that it looked like there was a whole roll’s worth of tape on the box.</p><p>	“Well, I can definitely tell this is from you.”</p><p>	Sirius smiled. “Guess I’ll need a few more lessons.”	</p><p>	Remus blushed and turned his attention back to unwrapping the gift. His arms were shaking again, and he squished himself further into the couch to help steady himself. </p><p>	He got the paper off and opened the box slowly before lifting the tissue paper out of the way so he could get the present out. Sirius helped him unfold it so it lay across both of their laps.</p><p>	“I can’t take full credit for this.” Sirius told him. “Marlene helped and we did have to use some magic to get it done on our timeline, but since you gave me the ornaments, I thought it would be nice for you to have something to remember our dares by too.”</p><p>	Remus ran his fingers over the quilt tracing over the ornate stitching. Even with magic this would have taken them hours to cut and lay out all the pieces before binding it all together. The background was a soft baby blue, and it was divided into squares with each one representing one of the dares they had given each other. There was a candy cane that resembled the awful, toasted marshmallow one, a reindeer suit with a seam around the middle, a Christmas tree, a golden snitch, and a gingerbread cookie. </p><p>	“Sirius,” Remus said, his heart full, knowing the care and love that had been put into this gift. “This is amazing.”</p><p>	“You should hold it up so you can see them all better.”</p><p>	“Here,” Remus said passing the quilt over to Sirius. “You hold it up. I’ll be able to see it better that way.”</p><p>	Sirius obliged and stood up taking a corner of the quilt in each hand so he could display it for Remus. </p><p>	Remus’ eyes ran over the quilt as he took in all the details that he’d missed. The carousel horse that represented their first kiss. The cup of hot chocolate that had curls of steam stitched above it. A white wolf looking skyward. He knew he’d never get tired of looking at it. Never get tired of being wrapped up in the memory of Sirius and his history. It reminded him of a storybook, each stitch was a word that charted the history of how they found each other, the struggles that they’d overcome, and the love that they shared. </p><p>	“It’s perfect Sirius,” he said as he reached out his arms for Sirius to place the quilt back in his lap. He was torn between taking in the details in the fabric and turning to look at Sirius’ smiling face. </p><p>	“I’m happy. I really wanted to make it perfect for my perfect Moony.”</p><p>	Remus’ smile seemed to falter a bit at the last word and Sirius took that as his opening to finally figure out what was going on. He reached out for Remus’ hand. </p><p>	“What’s going on Rems? You’ve seemed off the last two days. And before you say anything, you don’t have to worry; you can tell me anything. If something is bugging you, I want to know.”</p><p>	Remus looked away from Sirius before speaking in a voice that was barely a whisper. “It’s the moon. The full is tomorrow night.”	</p><p>	Sirius felt like an idiot. All that research that he’d been doing on lycanthropy and he’d never thought to look at a calendar to see when the next full was. </p><p>	Remus took a shaky breath before speaking again. “Lily will take me out before sunset and I… I don’t think I’m ready for you to see me like that yet. But I thought, if you wanted, you could be here when I get back.”</p><p>	Sirius kept tracing over Remus hand with his fingers, hoping it would serve as a tangible reminder to Remus that he was here. That he wasn’t going anywhere. </p><p>	“Is it okay if I come over earlier? I can stay here when you and Lily go and then I’ll be right here when you get back.”</p><p>	Remus looked up at Sirius surprised. “You’d want to spend the day with me? I… I’ll be in worse shape than I am now. We probably won’t be able to do much. I tend to sleep a lot when the pain isn’t too bad.”</p><p>	“Of course,” Sirius said, placing one hand under Remus’ chin before he could look away again. “When are you going to get it in that pretty head of yours? I’m not going anywhere Remus Lupin. You’re stuck with me.”</p><p>	Remus smiled as he sniffled and tried to hold back his tears. </p><p>	“Ugh,” he groaned. “Look at me, now I’ve gone and ruined your Christmas gift by getting all emotional.”</p><p>	“You couldn’t ruin anything,” Sirius said and pulled Remus closer to him as he tucked the quilt around them. </p><p>	“I’d say the same for you, but we all know what happened to that first batch of gingerbread.” Remus teased.</p><p>	“That was one time!”</p><p>	Remus laughed and gave him a kiss of the cheek so that Sirius would know he hadn’t forgotten what he said. He hoped it showed just a little bit how much it had meant to him.</p><p>	Sirius returned the kiss with one to Remus’ forehead before reaching for the remote.</p><p>	“You want to watch Home Alone?</p><p>	“Again?” Remus asked.</p><p>	“What can I say? I appreciate the kid’s genius. From one prankster to another.”</p><p>	Remus laughed as Sirius flicked the tv on and easily found a channel where the film had just started. Remus swore that they had that film on loop through the holidays. The second the credits rolled on one channel; the opening title was playing on another. </p><p>	“Who knows?” Sirius said, “Maybe this time you can stay awake long enough for the mom to realize they left him behind.”</p><p>	Remus grinned because he knew that it didn’t matter if he fell asleep one second from now or an hour after the film ended. Either way Sirius wouldn’t mind, and he’d still be here when Remus woke up.</p><p>	“Can you pass me my soup?” Remus asked him. “I think I can eat a bit more now.”</p><p>	“Sure,” Sirius said and dug around for his wand to cast a quick warming spell on the bowl before passing it to Remus.</p><p>	Remus wiggled out from under the quilt and moved it out of his way before taking the bowl and seeing Sirius’ questioning expression.</p><p>	“What? I don’t want to spill any on the quilt.”</p><p>	“You know we could spell it clean if you did. Perks of the whole magic thing.”</p><p>	Remus shook his head. “It’s the principal of the thing, can’t ruin the perfect Christmas present.” He blew on his spoon in a vain attempt to cool the broth before bringing the soup to his mouth. “This is really good by the way. You’ll have to give me the recipe.”</p><p>	“Only the best for my Moony.” Sirius said and while Remus’ eyes were firmly fixed on the film, Sirius only had eyes for him, taking in the curl of his cheeks at each smile, the furrow of his eyes as he tried to remember where he knew the actors from, the warmth of his laughter, or the adorable way that he flinched in sympathy with the bandits’ pain. And when Remus inevitably fell asleep somewhere between the tall guy, whose name Sirius could never remember, getting a nail through his foot and Joe Pesci’s head being lit on fire, Sirius simply tucked the quilt tighter around the two of them, turned the tv off, and fell asleep next to him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>What can I say? It's not the holidays until you've watched Home Alone</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0030"><h2>30. Sugarplums</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sirius showed up early the next morning with chocolate, blankets, and a bunch of movies. Lily answered the door and Sirius noticed how tired she looked, as if she hadn’t gotten much sleep last night. She looked more than happy to have help arrive.</p><p>	“How is he?” Sirius asked her, casting a look down the hall in the direction of Remus’ room.</p><p>	She shook her head. “Not great, winter full moons are usually the worst because the sun is only up for so long.”</p><p>	Sirius nodded and then realized that despite all his reading, he really wasn’t sure what he should be doing  </p><p>	“Can I… can I go and see him?”</p><p>	Lily nodded, “He was awake the last time I was in there.”</p><p>	Sirius set his things down in the living room and then made his way down the hall, pausing for a moment outside of Remus’ room before pushing the door in.</p><p>	“Remus?” Sirius called out quietly. </p><p>	The room was dark, save for a small strip of light getting in between the curtains. Remus was curled up in a tight ball in the middle of his bed. All of the blankets and covers had been tossed on the floor. </p><p>	“Hi,” Sirius said as he kneeled down beside the bed so he could see him better. </p><p>	Remus smiled weakly and tried to sit up, but Sirius just shook his head and made sure he stayed lying down. Remus skin was damp with sweat and by pressing the back of his hand to his forehead Sirius found he was burning up.</p><p>	“I’m going to get you a cold cloth,” Sirius said and left the room in search of one. With some directions from Lily, he found a small facecloth and ran it under the cold water in the bathroom. He wrung it out a few times and then brought it back to Remus’ room where he laid it over his head. </p><p>	Remus moved more through cycles of feverish temperature before becoming freezing cold. Sirius stayed with him most of the time and helped add or remove layers when needed. Lily came in often with broth or water that they tried to get Remus to drink with little luck.</p><p>	For the most part Remus slept, and Sirius kept watch, looking out for the subtlest of change in his behaviour that meant that something was wrong. Sometimes he’d come to for long enough that Sirius would sit down beside him, and they’d chat, but Sirius was always sure to let Remus know that it was okay for him to doze off again whenever he needed to.</p><p>	It felt too soon when Lily came to knock on his door and tell Remus it was time to go. Sirius helped him up into Lily’s arms and then stood and watched helpless as they disappeared with a pop. There was nothing he could do now except wait until morning and hope that everything was alright. </p><p>	Sirius slipped into the bathroom to freshen himself up a bit before heading out into the living room where he’d planned on sleeping or at least on trying to sleep. It just felt wrong to be in Remus’ bed without him.</p><p>	He was sitting on the couch when he heard another pop and Lily reappeared. She made her way into the kitchen and called out to Sirius.</p><p>	“Do you want tea? I won’t be getting much sleep either way.”</p><p>	“Sure,” Sirius said and listened to the familiar sounds of her filling the kettle, waiting for it to boil, and then pouring and mixing together the two cups before bringing them into the living room. She handed Sirius his and then sat down on the couch with a sigh. </p><p>	“You do this every month?” He asked</p><p>	“Sometimes.” She asked. “Sometimes his parents take him. Either way he usually comes back here the day after, doesn’t want to bother them for too long. Usually he’s a lot more mobile before the full, but today was hard.”</p><p>	“Where’d you take him to?” Sirius asked, surprising himself a bit with how forward he was being. </p><p>	“His parents’ place. They have a room there. Better than the cells the Ministry calls ‘werewolf care.’” She wrinkled her nose up at this and took a sip of tea.</p><p>	“A room?”</p><p>	Lily sighed and Sirius felt bad. She was exhausted. He shouldn’t have been so pushy, but all day he’d felt lost and helpless. He had no idea what he was doing or what was going to happen, and he wanted to understand. He wanted to be able to help Remus the best he could.</p><p>	“I’m sure Remus will tell you all this anyways, but yes. His Dad used to let him run in the woods when he was little but as he got bigger the wolf did too. So they fortified a room in the basement. Concrete walls, there’s chains down there but we only use them if Remus is certain it’s going to be a bad moon. I hate them. For the most part, you just set him down there and then you leave. Put up the protection wards on the heavy wooden door and seal all the padlocks too.” She sniffled and Sirius realized she was crying. She used her free hand to rub the tears away from her face. “I’m sorry. I should be used to this by now and I really don’t care he’s a werewolf, I don’t, but I just hate leaving him there like that.”</p><p>	Sirius couldn’t imagine what it would be like. He had seen how weak and exhausted Remus had been all day. He probably would have collapsed on the floor the second Lily set him down. He wasn’t sure if he would have been able to walk away. He understood Lily better now, understood why trust and friendship mattered so much to Remus. It’s hard when people choose to walk away because of a part of yourself you can’t leave behind.</p><p>	Sirius wanted to say something to thank Lily for taking care of Remus until they found their way to each other, to let her know that she was doing the right thing, that she was the truest friend someone could ask for, but nothing he could think of felt like enough.</p><p>	“How are your healing spells?” Lily asked, likely sensing Sirius’ hesitation and wanting to change the subject.</p><p>	“Good, I… I had to use them a lot growing up. I brushed up on some of the one’s I don’t remember as well before I came over.”</p><p>	“Alright,” Lily said. “If you’re okay with it, I’ll probably need a hand tomorrow.”</p><p>	“Of course,” Sirius said. “Anything I can do to help Moony.”</p><p>	Lily smiled at him and then reached for the tv remote.</p><p>	“If neither of is going to get any sleep, we might as well kill some time.”</p><p>	Despite their best-efforts, Lily and Sirius both dozed off for a bit somewhere in the middle of the second season of The Office, but they were both still up well before dawn and sat waiting nervously as the sun crested over the horizon.</p><p>	“Just a few more minutes,” Lily said, “to make sure he’s had time to change back.”</p><p>	Sirius nodded but got the feeling she was talking to herself. Neither of them liked the idea of leaving him down there alone for any longer than necessary. </p><p>	Eventually, Lily left, and Sirius stood alone in the apartment waiting, wand ready at his side. Not sure what he was going to see. </p><p>	Soon enough the eerie silence was broken by Lily’s reappearance with a crumpled looking Remus held barely up at her side, a dirty blanket was wrapped around him, blood soaking through the thin fabric.</p><p>	“Help me get him to his room?”</p><p>	Sirius nodded and surprised Lily by simply scooping Remus’ body up in his arms bridal style and walking him down the hallway before laying him out on the bed. The second he was flat Lily was stripping the blanket off of him and running her hands over his body to check for damages. </p><p>	“Don’t see any broken bones yet, which is good,” she said as her hands danced over his arms. She started down his chest and besides the obvious three gashes, there was a large sliver of wood stuck in his side. “That bloody door,” Lily mumbled. “Hold him still for me?”</p><p>	Sirius nodded and braced Remus’ body with a hand on both of his sides just above the wound Lily was looking at. He put enough pressure to hold him still but not enough to hurt him anymore. Lily tugged the piece of wood out of his side eliciting a loud groan from Remus. </p><p>	“Sorry Rems,” Lily said as she set to work casting a healing spell over the open wound. “Would you mind getting his chest Sirius? And then you can start checking his legs.”</p><p>	Sirius nodded, brought out of his stunned daze, he quickly cast a spell over Remus’ chest and watched as the slashes knit themselves back together leaving nothing but faint pink lines.</p><p>	He then moved down to Remus’ feet and started to work his way up the legs, healing cuts, bruises, and scrapes as he found them before getting to the knee on his left leg that was purple and swollen. </p><p>	“Lils?”</p><p>	“Mhm?” She mumbled from where she was examining a nasty bruise around one of his wrists. </p><p>	“I think his knee is dislocated.”</p><p>	She glanced down at the purple mass and seemed to agree with Sirius conclusion. “Do you know the spell?”</p><p>	“It’s been a while since I’ve used it. Probably best if you do it.”</p><p>	“Okay,” she said and surprised both Remus and Sirius as she sent the spell flying at his knee almost immediately. There was loud pop and Remus’ let out a howl of pain before relaxing again. “Sorry,” Lily said again and then to Sirius, “It’s best to do it when he doesn’t know it’s coming. Hurts more if he tenses up beforehand.”</p><p>	Sirius nodded and got back to work. It felt like Lily and him had been going over Remus’ body for hours before they were done when in reality the process of healing had probably been only thirty minutes. </p><p>	“I’m going to grab some ointment and an ice pack for that bruise. You okay to sit with him for a second?”</p><p>	Sirius nodded and the second Lily was gone he took a seat on the chair that sat in the corner of the room. In all the rush, Sirius hadn’t had time to process everything that had happened. He had flipped into survival mode and now, sitting here, he could take in Remus’ small, fragile looking body. Could process just how much blood there had been when Lily had brought him in. How cold he had felt when Sirius had held him in his arms. </p><p>	A sudden well of emotions surged in Sirius chest and he felt himself overcome by racking sobs. Lily made her way back into the room quietly. She rubbed ointment over Remus’ wounds and balanced an icepack on his wrist carefully. Then she helped Sirius to his feet and got him into the living room before kneeling down in front of him and waiting. </p><p>	“I’m so sorry,” Sirius said. “I shouldn’t have fallen apart like that, not when he was there.”</p><p>	“It’s okay,” Lily told him. “You did amazing. Besides he’s so tired he probably won’t remember anyways.”</p><p>	“I thought I was ready t- to see him like that but,” the tears were coming again, and Sirius couldn’t stop them. Lily just sat and rubbed his knee soothingly until he was ready to speak. “It’s not fair Lily. He didn’t do anything, and I just look at him like that and wish that I could take it all away.”</p><p>	“I know,” Lily said thinking of how young she was when Remus let her in on his furry little secret. How quickly the anger had changed to a feeling of hopelessness.</p><p>	“I want to find a way to make better.”</p><p>	“Maybe one day. But for now, you’re making it better by being here, by not letting him go through this alone.”</p><p>	She smiled up at him and Sirius smiled back. How he had been so lucky to meet not one but two incredible people in the last month he’d never know. </p><p>	After Sirius had calmed down, the two of them fell into an easy routine as they took turns checking on Remus while the other showered, got dressed, and ate breakfast. Before they knew it, it was mid-afternoon. Sirius was sitting next to a sleeping Remus, running his hand gently through his hair when Lily knocked quietly on the door before coming in.</p><p>	“I need to run out and pick up a few things. Will you be alright to look after him for a bit?”</p><p>	“Of course,” Sirius said, understanding that Lily could have run her errands any day and that this was perhaps the last test before she decided to fully trust Sirius with her best friend.</p><p>	“I’ll have my phone if you need me,” she said, and Sirius listened to her footsteps leave the room and the sound of the front door closing.</p><p>	Shortly after she was gone, Remus started twitching in his sleep. He was mumbling to himself and seemed to be moving as if he was trying to jerk away from something. He was having a nightmare. Sirius found Remus hand and started to trace over the palm of it with his fingers, brushing over the skin just lightly in a way that would tickle. It was a habit the Potters had used to pull him out of his own bad dreams over the years. </p><p>	Slowly, Remus eyes fluttered opened and he fought against the urge to close them again. The way you do when you know that if you drift back off to sleep too soon, you’ll find yourself right back in the nightmare you were trying to escape.</p><p>	“Hi,” Remus mumbled as he smiled at Sirius sleepily. </p><p>	“Watcha dreaming about?” Sirius asked, lying down so he was facing him better.</p><p>	“Visions of sugarplums.” Remus whispered. “And fairies.”</p><p>	Sirius smiled at him and waited a moment before speaking.</p><p>	“I used to have nightmares all the time. Usually, it was of the time my Mom used the Cruciatus curse on me. Other times it was my Dad hexing me until I bled. The worst ones were that they were attacking my brother and I could see it all happening but I can’t get to him to stop them.”</p><p>	“Do you miss him?”</p><p>	“Regulus?” Sirius asked, even though he know that was who Remus meant. He just wanted to buy himself some more time to form his thoughts.</p><p>	Remus nodded at his response.</p><p>	“Everyday. I always thought that we’d find our way back to each other, but sometimes I wonder. I feel bad for leaving him behind, but he was still so young. Still in that phase where he believed that if he did everything right Mom and Dad might love him. I tell myself he wouldn’t come even if I asked, but some days I wonder.”</p><p>	“It’s one of the hardest things,” Remus whispered, “realizing that we can’t always rescue the people we love. Realizing that sometimes, we need to save ourselves instead.”</p><p>	Sirius nodded, wondering who Remus was thinking of. If it was Caradoc who Remus couldn’t rescue from his fear of himself or if there was someone else that he had longed to protect. </p><p>	“I was four when I was bit,” Remus said and despite being more awake his voice still sounded scratchy. Sirius had read about that, the way the howling tore at your vocal cords. “My Dad worked for the Ministry, still does. This nasty werewolf, Fenrir Greyback, got off on a crime he clearly committed. My Dad was a little too vocal about it for Fenrir’s taste. Fenrir decided if he hated werewolves so much, he deserved to have a son who was one.</p><p>	“I barely remember that night, but in my nightmares, I relive it over and over. I don’t know how long he hid under my bed, waiting to strike, but in my dreams, I know it’s coming, it’s like this sickening dread. In the worst ones, I’m older and he comes back to finish the job.”</p><p>	Sirius wanted to tell him that he was sorry, that it was so unfair, that he wished that Remus would never have to experience that pain, that he’d take it away if he all could, but he understood that these were likely all things Remus already wished for himself. That someone reminding him of the unattainable would only make his reality hurt more. This was Remus’ reality. This was his normal and Sirius needed to treat it that way. Needed to show him that to him it didn’t make him any different, if anything it made him love him more. </p><p>	So instead, he just planted a kiss on his forehead and told him, “I love you.” And in those three words was everything that Remus needed to know. </p><p>	When Lily came home, she opened the door to find both Sirius and Remus asleep, tucked under the quilt Sirius had got him for Christmas. There was a fresh glass of water and some crackers on Remus’ nightstand, which told Lily that Sirius had been able to get him to eat and drink something. She smiled and felt bad that there had been any lingering doubt about Sirius in her mind. </p><p>	The way they were lying on the bed, heads leaning in against each other, bodies curled up, they looked like a heart or like two question marks whose answers lay in their other half. Remus twitched in his sleep and Sirius’ hand reached out to curl around Remus’ reassuringly. She closed the door quietly and hoped they dreamed of each other.</p>
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          <p>One chapter left...</p>
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<a name="section0031"><h2>31. Champagne</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I spent all morning editing and rewriting parts of this chapter because I want it to be as perfect as possible for y'all. I hope it lives up to at least of sliver of that expectation.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The rest of the day had passed without incident and before they knew it, it had bled into tomorrow. Remus was getting some of his strength back and Sirius had drawn up a bath for him. He had turned the most adorable shade of pink when Sirius asked if he needed any help of if he’d be okay. Remus stammered that he’d be alright, and Sirius left him and wandered into the kitchen in search of caffeine and found Lily munching on toast at the table.</p><p>	“Thanks for the pep talk yesterday,” he told her.</p><p>	“Don’t mention it,” she said with a little smile and while Sirius wasn’t awake when she came back yesterday, he took it as assurance that he’d passed her test. That was good. It was important to Sirius that he got to know the people who mattered to Remus the best he could. “How’s Remus doing?”</p><p>	“Still kinda shaky and I think his knee is still sore even though he won’t admit it.”</p><p>	“He’s a good actor that one, sneaky. Under no circumstances can you let him rope you into going to the Longbottoms’ New Year’s Eve party.”</p><p>	Sirius stopped stirring milk into his tea to look at Lily. “It’s New Year’s Eve?” He honestly couldn’t remember the last time he’d looked at a calendar. </p><p>	“Yeah,” Lily said around a mouthful of toast. </p><p>	“Damn.” It felt like just yesterday Sirius had wandered into that bookstore, yet somehow a whole month had gone by already. </p><p>	“You got plans?” She asked.</p><p>	“I might be making some now.”</p><p>	She gave him a mischievous grin to which Sirius responded with his best “who me?” expression. </p><p>	“As long as they involve stopping that loveable mule from overexerting himself, we’re good. Used to try and sneak out of the hospital ward to watch Quidditch games, just about gave Pomfrey a heart attack. Of course, his boyfriend was on the team at that time.”</p><p>	“Well,” Sirius assured her. “His boyfriend is staying here so I’d hope he isn’t planning on running off to ogle anyone else. Although, my plan may require me to dash off for a bit. Can you keep an eye on Moony? He’s just in the bath.”</p><p>	“Can do.”</p><p>	“Excellent, and there’s one more thing I might need your help with.”</p><p> </p><p>	When Sirius got back to the apartment, Lily pressed a small package into his hand and let him know that Remus was taking a nap. Sirius thanked her and slipped down the hall to Remus’ room. He was surprised to open the door and find Remus not asleep but looking for something as he chatted on the phone. </p><p>	“Yes Ma, I know,” Remus said, stopping when he saw Sirius to give him a smile and held up his finger to indicate he’d be done in a minute. “Hold on, Ma - Mom, I have to go… Yes, he’s here… No, I will not put you on the phone with him! You can meet him when you get back… Okay, love you too, bye Mom.” Remus hung up the phone and tossed it onto his bed.</p><p>	“Your mom wanted to talk to me?” Sirius asked.</p><p>	Remus chuckled. “Well, I was calling her to let her know I was fine after the full. But we’ve barely talked since they’ve been so busy with their trip and well, I think she just about fainted when I mentioned the tiny detail that I have a boyfriend now. Probably best to give her some time to process that so she doesn’t smother you to death.”</p><p>	“Well, I can’t wait to meet her too. You should let her know that.”</p><p>	“Give me twelve hours. She’s had enough excitement for one day.” Remus said and returned his search, tugging open the drawers on his dresser.</p><p>	“What are you doing?” Sirius asked watching him curiously.</p><p>	“Picking out an outfit.”</p><p>	“For?”</p><p>	“For the Longbottoms’ New Year’s Eve party.” Remus said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.</p><p>	“Remus-“ Sirius started, but he was quickly cut off.</p><p>	“I’m fine Sirius. I think I can handle one little party. See,” he turned around and held his arms out for Sirius to inspect him even though his clothes covered most of the damage. “Don’t tell me Lily put you up to this,” he murmured begrudgingly as he moved back to the dresser. He reached down to grab something out of the bottom drawer and stood up much too fast, the room spun and before he knew it Sirius had a hand under his elbow and was guiding him to sit on the bed. </p><p>	“What have you had to eat today Rems?”</p><p>	“I’m fine Sirius.”</p><p>	“Not the question.”</p><p>	Remus just looked at him and Sirius rolled his eyes as he got up off the bed. “Stay.” He commanded and then headed to the kitchen. He came back a few minutes later with a protein smoothie in his hand. “Drink,” he said as he handed it to Remus.</p><p>	Remus took a moment to sulk before taking the straw in his mouth and obliging but making it very clear through his facial expression that he wasn’t enjoying it. </p><p>	“You know,” Sirius told him, “there’s going to be other parties. It doesn’t matter if we miss this one.”</p><p>	“I know.” Remus said and then looked down at the floor sheepishly. “It’s silly really, but it’s just, this was going to be out first one as a couple.”</p><p>	Sirius heart warmed as he realized that Remus wasn’t excited for the party, but that he was excited to go to the party <i>with him.</i></p><p>	Sirius paused, knowing exactly how Remus was feeling.</p><p>“You know,” he started. “When I was in my fifth year of Hogwarts, I came back from the winter break with this nasty wound on my side, courtesy of my lovely mother. I didn’t want anyone to see it because I knew they’d send me to the hospital ward. I was so excited to be back at school that I didn’t want to miss a moment of it.</p><p>	“So, I hid it, and it got worse. It got infected something awful and I had a horrible fever, but we had a Quidditch game against Slytherin. It was playoffs too and I didn’t want to miss it, didn’t want to let my team down. James begged me not to play but I wouldn’t listen, insisted that I was fine. But halfway through the game, this fog came over me and I fell.”</p><p>	Remus gasped with realization. “I remember that! I was at that game and you… you just slipped off your broom.” He shuddered remembering the screams of horror from the crowd as they watched the limp form plummet towards the ground. “How bad was it?”</p><p>	“Well, let’s just say it was my first encounter with Skele-Gro. But it wouldn’t have had to have been if I let people know I was hurting.”</p><p>	Remus felt guilt well up inside of him, realizing that in trying to protect Sirius he was likely only hurting him instead. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to give you New Year’s. I wanted us to have a nice, normal New Year’s together.”</p><p>	“Hey,” Sirius said. “Look at me. You have nothing to be sorry for and you don’t have to give me anything. Being here with you, knowing that you’re okay, that’s all I need. That’s the perfect first New Year’s for me.”</p><p>	Remus pulled Sirius into a hug and Sirius was careful not to squeeze back too hard. </p><p>	“How did I get so lucky?” Remus asked as he pulled back, placing a hand on the side of Sirius’ face.</p><p>	Sirius smiled as he stared into his amber eyes, “I ask myself that question every day.”</p><p>There was a quiet moment when they just held each other’s gaze and they both knew the other was thinking of how far they’d come and how much further they’d get to go. </p><p>	“Now drink your damn smoothie,” Sirius said, ending the moment. “Don’t think that being so cute is going to get you out of that one.”</p><p> </p><p>	The rest of the day passed without incident and the new year was drawing near. Remus was dozing again in his room, and James and Lily were watching a film together on the couch. She decided to stay back from the party too, wanting to make sure Remus was okay, and had invited James to join her. To her surprise, he said yes. She had expected him to push harder for them to go to the Longbottoms,’ but he hadn’t. He’d just asked when he could come over and if there was anything he should bring. She was starting to see all the ways he’d changed from the boy who’d been her shadow years ago.</p><p>	Sirius was lying next to Remus, but anxiously checking the time every few seconds. He didn’t want to miss his window, but he also wanted to give Remus enough time to sleep. He waited another ten minutes before gently shaking him on the shoulder. </p><p>	“Remus?” He asked. “Are you awake?”</p><p>	“Mhm,” he mumbled back. “What time is it?”</p><p>	“It’s almost midnight.”</p><p>	Those three words snapped Remus awake and he forced himself up to sitting, not wanted to miss his midnight kiss with Sirius. As the rest of the room came into focus, he took in the mischievous grin on Sirius’ face.</p><p>	“What?” He asked. </p><p>	“Want to sneak out of here?”</p><p>	Remus narrowed his gaze. “But you said-“</p><p>	“Not the party. Somewhere else. I promise we’ll be back before they even know we’re gone.”</p><p>	Remus made a big show of seeming like he was thinking it over, when in reality he’d willing follow Sirius anywhere. </p><p>	“Okay, let’s do it.”</p><p>	Sirius beamed at him as he grabbed Remus’ hand, took out his wand, and apparted them.</p><p>	Meanwhile in the living room, both James and Lily overheard the audible pop from Remus’ bedroom.</p><p>	“Where do you think they’re going?” James asked.</p><p>	“I don’t know,” Lily said. “But if Remus gets hurt, I’ll kill him.”</p><p>	James laughed knowing she meant every word and simply raised his arm in an invitation for her to cuddle closer. Lily slid in next to him, tucking her head against his chest and listening to the steady certainty of his heartbeat as it counted down the time until midnight. </p><p>	Sirius and Remus both stumbled for a moment as they landed in their new location.</p><p>	Sirius turned quickly to look at Remus. “You okay?”</p><p>	Remus nodded as he glanced around at his surroundings. “Isn’t this…?”</p><p>	Sirius smiled and grabbed his hand. “C’mon.”</p><p>	They wove through the aisles of the store until Sirius found the one he was looking for. He pulled Remus in between the familiar stack of books and paused.</p><p>	“Ta-da!” He said holding out his hands, and there in the aisle that a month earlier Remus had placed a red notebook on the shelf, was a picnic set up on the floor. There was a blanket laid out with an array of pillows and two bottles of what Remus assumed were champagne. Glass flutes sat on either side of a tray that contained cheeses, crackers, and most importantly chocolate. </p><p>	Remus looked at Sirius astonished. “But how did you? I mean… Where did you get the keys?”</p><p>	Sirius basked in the look of wonderment on Remus’ face. “I may have slipped out this morning while you were in the bath and Lily might have convinced a certain friend of yours to loan me his keys. C’mon, let’s sit down.”</p><p>	He made his way over to the blanket and when Remus didn’t move, he patted the floor beside him encouragingly. That seemed to snap Remus out of his daze as he made his way over to Sirius.</p><p>	“Here,” Sirius said as he opened the bottles that were sitting beside him. “Champagne for me,” he said as he filled his flute “and sparkling apple juice for you.” He used the other bottle to fill Remus’ glass and handed it to him.</p><p>	Remus took it and rolled his eyes. </p><p>	“Hey, I know for a fact that smoothie was the first thing you ate today. Plus, your body is still healing, no alcohol for you.”</p><p>	Remus couldn’t be mad at him, not when he was so considerate. “It’s fine. I don’t even like champagne that much anyways.”</p><p>	Sirius wasn’t sure if he was lying to make him feel better but either way it didn’t matter, as long as he was happy. “You don’t have to eat anything either if you aren’t hungry. I just thought the picnic looked a little bare without it.”</p><p>	“Well, I’ll always have a stomach for chocolate.” He said as he grinned and popped a piece into his mouth.</p><p>	“I thought so.” Sirius said giving him a joking poke in the side. </p><p>	Remus chewed on the chocolate as he looked up at the bookcases. From his vantage point on the floor, they seemed to go on forever and he couldn’t think of any place that he’d rather be. Trapped in a bookstore, surrounded by stories, and with the person he loved more than anything at his side.</p><p>	“Better than a party?”</p><p>	Remus nodded, turning to see Sirius watching him with his cool silver eyes. There was such love and adoration there. He was looking at him like he was the answer and Remus would give anything to keep him feeling that way forever. He wanted to see himself the way Sirius saw him. He wanted to be everything for him. </p><p>“Definitely better,” he said. “Although Dorcas is going to kill me. She was dying for me to meet her new girlfriend.”</p><p>	“Really?” Sirius asked. “My friend Marlene said the same thing.”</p><p>	They stared at each for a moment before it clicked into place and they burst out laughing.</p><p>	“Oh my god, we’re idiots.” Remus groaned.</p><p>	“Do you think they knew?” Sirius asked.</p><p>	“Oh, definitely.”</p><p>	They laughed for a little while longer at their collective ignorance before the sound subsided, and a comfortable silence fell over them. Remus set his champagne flute down and leaned against Sirius, thinking about how this spot, with his head tucked comfortably against Sirius’ chest, was quickly becoming one of his favourite places in the world.</p><p>	“You know, when I left that notebook here, I was so scared. I tried to play it off as being mad at Lily and her silly game. But really, I just wasn’t ready to get my heart broken again.”</p><p>	Sirius stroked Remus’ arm gently. “I only came in here that day because I was miserable. I wanted something to distract me from how lonely I felt.”</p><p>	Remus turned his face so he could look up at Sirius. “Am I a good distraction?”</p><p>	“No Remus, you’re the cure.”</p><p>	His phone buzzed loudly between them and a quick glance told them that it was officially midnight. Sirius grinned as he leaned in to catch Remus’ lips with his own. As they kissed, Sirius thought that Remus tasted like chocolate and home. Remus thought Sirius tasted like champagne and the future. </p><p>	Sirius pulled back just enough that he could lean his forehead against Remus’.</p><p>	“Happy New Year’s Moony.”</p><p>	“Happy New Year’s Padfoot.”</p><p>	Neither of them ever wrote in the red notebook again, but some days one of them would take it out when they needed a reminder of how they got here. Instead that notebook was replaced with others. The green one that sat on Remus’ bedside table that Sirius filled with good morning messages. The yellow pad that they stuck on the fridge of their new apartment so they could make grocery lists. The receipts that Sirius would draw doodles on and tuck in Remus’ books. The sticky notes Remus would write love letters on and leave on the bathroom mirror or on Sirius’ coffee mug when he knew he needed a little pick me up. </p><p>Remus finally got his own class and while he wasn’t sure if he’d ever be ready to teach at Hogwarts, he was more than content with his wide-eyed group of first graders. Sirius started working for the Order and spent time campaigning for better rights and equal opportunities for all children. On the weekends, Remus would go with him and take over storytime for McGonagall who was more than happy to see Remus back and even happier to see the way that Sirius and him made each other glow. </p><p>They were so grateful for the life that they had with one another. So aware that their story all started when Remus was brave enough to pick up his pen and write his own destiny, and when Sirius had been brave enough to take a chance. The love those decisions had given them was a beautiful thing and something that they got to share with all those around them. Remus became a regular feature at Potter dinners and as expected spent most of his time in heated debate with Fleamont. Hope and Lyall adored Sirius and had the two of them over every Sunday for tea. Both sets of parents would swear that they’d never seen their sons any happier. Dorcas and Marlene finally went on that double date with Remus and Sirius, and Lily found that James had changed more than she could have ever imagined.</p><p>So Remus and Sirius got to keep writing their story. They wrote it in dares and pranks. They wrote it in quiet moments together curled up on the couch and at parties, like the one they first went to as a couple when a blizzard blew in. They wrote it in memories like the ornaments they hung on their tree every Christmas or a familiar quilt that covered the bed in their shared room. They wrote it in fights and work trips away from the other, but they never held any fear for they knew their storylines would always come back to one another. </p><p>After all, they were the moon and the stars. The Christmas cynic and the holiday lover. They were two halves of a fractured planet who after years orbiting around each other had finally found their way back home. They were brave and bold in the way that they loved each other: fearless and unconditionally because they’d been willing to face all that they were afraid of. For once, they stopped redacting their stories. Stop editing out the parts they didn’t like or that they were worried would scare people away. They were completely and unflinching themselves with each other because they knew this was one fairytale that was based on the truth. And the reminder of all of that sat on their bookshelf at home, nestled next to an old copy of Catcher and the Rye, was the unsuspected red notebook that had changed everything.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Over a month ago I watched Dash and Lily and the seeds of an idea started in my mind. Over one month, thirty-one chapters, and seventy thousand words later here we are. Usually when I type out the last word of a story I feel a sense of completeness but I didn't find that with this one, but I think that's because it's become so much more than a story to me. This month has been crazy, and through the heartbreak and loss, the last minute changes, and holiday rush, this story has been my constant and my safe haven. I hope it's brought you at least a piece of the joy that writing it brought to me. </p><p>Huge thank you to @remus-john-lupin on tumblr (AKA as pixelated on AO3) for putting together the holiday prompt list that this fic would not exist without and a thank you to the lovely @kattlupin for not calling me crazy when I pitched this idea to her. </p><p>And of course a big thank you to all of you! To everyone who gave kudos, left a comment every chapter (you know who you are 🥰), or just left a comment on just one, to those quiet readers whose support is still always appreciated, to the people who have been here since the start or just found this fic today, THANK YOU! Your support, patience, and understanding has meant everything to me. Thank you for coming on this journey with me and letting me know what it has meant to you!</p><p>Feel free to come find me on tumblr or Instagram @sleepcreatecaffeinate if you want to chat!</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Comments and kudos are always welcome or come find me on tumblr and Instagram @sleepcreatecaffeinate.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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